The depths of evangelical douche-iness seem to be as bottomless as the pits of hell itself. But sometimes a product or contrivance stands out so much that it deserves a closer look. And so it goes for the "Bible Bar." A health food snack sold at Megachurch gyms (which I also didn't know existed) in honkylicious suburban wastelands around the U.S.
I was first made aware of the Bible Bar from a passing mention in this ABC news report about "Body by God" programs available at some Jeebus Gyms (watch the video). Absurd? Yes. But it does bring us closer to the inevitable churches in Wal Marts that I've been predicting for a while.
You can't fault the smarmy bible beaters who love making a profit on the prophets for finding a niche market and exploiting it for all it's worth. And such is the case of the Bible Bar. Made with all the biblical tastiness of Deuteronomy, the Bible Bar finally gives you your righteous indignation in snack form. Made with wheat, barley, honey, olive oil, vines, figs and pomegranates, I have no doubt that the Bible Bar will, in fact, help you lose weight. Mostly because you'll be bazooka-shitting when that grenade of dense roughage hits your digestive tract. Why don't they just make a desert version that's bound together with chocolate laxatives to deal the final blow? I don't see why not.
So when you're looking for a snack, just think: What would Jesus eat? Probably the crap that they cram into a Bible Bar, since 2000 years ago they didn't have much of a choice. If he'd had his 'druthers, my guess is He'd be a Doritos man.
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