Weisenheimers Blogaverse

Writers Strike

2007-11-05T10:44:00.000-06:00

Monty here, because of the writer's strike I am taking this opportunity to advertise myself as a scab.

Here's some samples of what I can offer:

Monologue joke writer:

Shia LaBeouf was arrested early Sunday morning for refusing to leave a Chicago Walgreens. He was later released when he transformed into a SOBER celebrity

HEY YO!

Soap Writer:

INT
Heatherton Manor, sitting room
JESSICA
Oh Ross, this whole mess is my fault, I never should have interfere with your wedding.
ROSS
Don't you see Jessica, I wanted you to... Before I regained my memories I thought you were just another Grady, out to get me and my family's fortune... but now, no I know that you are the only one I can trust, Not only as my partner on the force, my
Chief of staff at the clinic but also the as the CEO of my publishing empire

WATCH OUT!

What's that you say, Two and a Half Men needs a writer!

INT
The same room they are always in on this effing
show.

CHARLIE
If I wanted that I'd get married!

SOME GIRL
Oh You!

Need some new shows? How about this... The new A-Team, a bunch of ex Blackwater guys protect various minorities from the actual Blackwater! Or uhm what about a show where a fat lose comedian moves to the big city and sex with a lot of total hot chicks... oh and his wife is totally in to, HBO Call ME! Kids Shows I got them! Why don't we laugh and learn with four crazy cheerleaders!

Anyway... I got more where this came from so hey producers call me!

Megatron interviews at the FedEx/Kinkos near campus.

2007-09-03T13:07:00.000-05:00

FedEx/Kinkos: Well Mr. Megatron, I’ve looked over your resume and it looks like you are qualified to join our team here, but since the job entails working seamlessly with your other team members I just have to ask you some questions, ok?

Megatron: No problem, thank you for time and Energon… eh energy.

FedEx/Kinkos: Ok let’s start .What are your long-range goals and objectives?

Megatron: Long term? Well I would love to deplete this pathetic rock of all its raw energy, convert it to Energon and then continue my conquest of the galaxy.

FedEx/Kinkos: What are your short-range goals and objectives?

Megatron: Well I would just like to earn some good money, get some good workplace experience and of course maintain my GPA, I’m on scholarship you know.

FedEx/Kinkos: Yes, I read that. How do you plan to achieve your career goals?

Megatron: By crushing my opponent, weather it be that fool, Prime or that sniveling whelp Starscream! Oh, and by maintaining a focus on the companies overall goals and doing my best to keep those aligned with our customers.

FedEx/Kinkos: What are the most important rewards you expect in your career?

Megatron: POWER, ABSOLUTE POWER… and by that I mean the respect of my supervisors and co-workers.

FedEx/Kinkos: Why did you choose the career for which you are preparing?

Megatron: I’ll be honest at first I majored in Poli-Sci at my father’s behest, but as soon as I started taking the classes I fell in love with the rule of law, the IRON RULE OF ABSOLUTE LAW. But I am also minoring in French.

FedEx/Kinkos: What are your strengths, weaknesses, and interests?

Megatron: I hate this question.

FedEx/Kinkos: EVERYBODY does.

Megatron: That’s why you have to ask it though right? Ok, strengths. Let’s see, I am a leader. I am flexible, I mean, I change all the time, also I have a high-powered energy beam attached to my arm. Weaknesses, I can some times get obsessive, I am passionate and can be ruled by emotions, like my love of Energon and my hatred for Prime… interests, well I love playing B-Ball out in the yard and I currently am treasurer of the Art-Appreciation Society.

FedEx/Kinkos: How do you think a friend or professor who knows you well would describe you?

Megatron: Driven.

FedEx/Kinkos: Ok, I can see that. Uhm, describe a situation in which you had to work with a difficult person (another student, co-worker, customer, supervisor, etc.). How did you handle the situation? Is there anything you would have done differently in hindsight?

Megatron: Once, this is a few semesters ago, I teamed with Cobra Comander. It was awful, it was like you know looking at a crack mirror, all my faults but with none of my abilities… After seeking advice from my father, I ended up making sure each of us had clearly defined roles and that we were on the same page goal wise. If I could do it all over again, I guess I would maybe not been such a control freak, let him have a little more room to grow… oh and I wouldn’t have tried to double-cross him so early.

FedEx/Kinkos: How do you determine or evaluate success?

Megatron: George Sheehan once said, “Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be.” I totally believe that at the end of the day you have to ask yourself, was I the best hand-gun and or maniacal killer robot I could be? If the answer is yes, than yeah, I call it a success.

FedEx/Kinkos: In what ways do you think you can make a contribution to our organization?

Megatron: Well let me ask you, do have a 40 foot tall mass of death and destruction behind the customer counter? Well with me you have an ultra advanced killing machine, which also speaks Spanish.

FedEx/Kinkos: Describe a contribution you have made to a project on which you worked.

Megatron: Well a few years ago, by that I mean 4 million years ago, the Autobots fled our home world of cybertron in their ship, the Ark. My task force was assigned to stop them. I not only lead the brainstorming sessions, I also used my laser cannon to blow a hole in the hull of the Ark to allow a boarding party to enter an kill as many of the Autobot scum as we could lay of cyberfingers on.

FedEx/Kinkos: What qualities should a successful manager possess?

Megatron: Confidence. Good listening skills. Laser cannon.

FedEx/Kinkos: Was there an occasion when you disagreed with a supervisor's decision or company policy? Describe how you handled the situation.

Megatron: Well the last leader of the Descepticons was a guy named Stanley, Middlebaum. He was all about peace talks, said that our war with the Autobots was bleeding cybertron dry of energon. I voiced my disagreement in a private meeting, transformed, shot him in the head, and then presented a united front to the rest of the Decepticons.

FedEx/Kinkos: What two or three accomplishments have given you the most satisfaction? Why?

Megeatron: Well with the help of Hot Rod I did manage to kill Prime… oh, I also won the Akron Corporate Cup, 10k.

FedEx/Kinkos: Describe your most rewarding college experience.

Megatron: Well academically it has been getting in to Wharton for my MBA, socially it was getting elected Pledge chair, TKE! TKE! TKE!

FedEx/Kinkos: What interests you about our product or service?

Megatron: You guys have a world class reputation for customer service, plus, I like planes.

FedEx/Kinkos: In what kind of work environment are you most comfortable?

Megatron: I work best in small groups; you know only three or four characters, so the plot doesn’t get bogged down by the 70 or so toys that are out there.

FedEx/Kinkos: How do you work under pressure?

Megatron: I am not going to try to fool you. When I stressed, there is a better than average chance I am going to shoot Starscream in the face.

FedEx/Kinkos: Will you relocate? Does relocation bother you?

Megatron: After coming from a distant Galaxy, moving to Augusta isn’t all that, as long as it’s near a power plant of some kind.

FedEx/Kinkos: Are you willing to travel?

Megatron: Sure I love to fly.

FedEx/Kinkos: Are you willing to spend at least six months as a trainee?

Megatron: FOOL, have you no idea who I am?

Lincoln County Fair

2007-08-07T13:26:00.000-05:00

The Weisen's (sans Monty) bringing love to the 4-H Barn

A great big Weisen-thanks to all the nice folks in Tyler, MN and surrounding communities for kicking off the Lincoln County Fair with us last Friday. As a community on the whole, your suggestions were superb and your midwestern wit was a delight. And a big Weisen-special thanks to the guy from the Rock for bringing the fans and the soundsystem.

It was our distinct pleasure to bring the comedy and the rain you so desperately needed. Don't mention it. That's just how we roll. Sorry you built the big stage in front of the grandstand that we couldn't use because of the rain. But we tore it up in that barn nonetheless.

The unused stage at the end of the Grandstands. Unsafe in a downpour.

We love you, Minnesotans. (So keep hiring us for stuff and we'll keep coming back and bringing the love.)

Matt and Theresa making a beeline for the corndogs & funnel cakes

Here's a big ups to our homies in Lincoln County! What-what!

(hearts) the Weisen's

Michael Cera and other dude on the Web

2007-07-29T16:35:00.000-05:00

Young comic geniuses Michael Cera (best known as George Michael Bluth from Arrested Development) and Clark Duke (mostly known as Fratboy #1 from an episode of CSI) have 10 rad webisodes of their show Clark and Michael up here. Do check it out. It's hard to describe, but it's got the wry sophistication of Curb Your Enthusiasm and the authenticity of your standard reality show. It follows two ne'er-do-wells as they try to pitch a sitcom in the third most evil family vacation destination on earth, Hollywood. It truly is brill.

Clark, Michael, Shenanigans

I hate how young and talented these boys are, yet am compelled to watch their shenanigans.

Also: Spoiler Bonus! Keep an eye out for Eric Warheim from Tim & Eric's Awesome Show Great Job! in episode 10.

That is all.

A Fun Sexy Time: Three-ways are illegal?

2007-05-25T09:09:00.000-05:00

Here's a chunk of this article from Military.com:

SPANGDAHLEM AIR BASE, Germany — A Spangdahlem-based airman was sentenced Monday to four months confinement for her part in a sexual act with two other airmen.
Airman 1st Class Ashley N. Rains pleaded guilty at a court-martial to two indecent acts charges.

She had faced rape and sodomy charges but admitted to the lesser charges as part of a plea deal.

It basically goes on to say that the lawyers argued that everyone involved was tanked (isn't that how most threegys happen in the first place?) and a lot of messing around took place.

I'm no military expert, but I'm confused a couple different ways on this: 1) This happened in Germany, where there is tacit understanding of BDSM poop sex being pretty yawny and typical. So if this happened off base, I find it hard to believe that Germany had a problem with it.

My #2 problem with this (no pun intended) is the article doesn't touch on how this went public. Were they having this 3-way on a runway or something? Is this the kind of thing you have to report to a superior? "Sir, yes sir, I was engaged in hot 3-way action and maintained the 'lucky Pierre' position for the duration, sir!" Are you not allowed "private time" (again, no pun intended) in the military? This is craziness. If a bunch of young, impressionable kids want to have a fun sexy time I say why not? If we don't let them, don't the terrorists win?

Holy Shit: My Favorite Falwell Quote

2007-05-15T15:45:00.000-05:00

"The Bible is the inerrant ... word of the living God. It is absolutely infallible,without error in all matters pertaining to faith and practice, as well as in areas such as geography, science, history, etc."
-- Jerry Falwell, Finding Inner Peace and Strength

Sure. Who would know better than you? Biblical historians? Feh.

Thanks for everything, Jerry. For the Moral Majority, The Teletubby thing, The blaming the gays for Hurricane Katrina, The blaming the ACLU for 9/11, and for every other little thing. So long, douchebag.

Now that you're gone someone needs to take your place. I heard Ted Haggard is looking for a gig.

(Here's a list of other Falwell quotes. Thanks to Positive Atheism!)

Bashin' on the MySpace!

2007-05-03T12:58:00.000-05:00

Rupert: In some circles may be considered "rough trade"

If you believe the blogger buzz floating around today, it would appear as though Aussie walking fossil and media whore enabler Rupert Murdoch has removed "gay" from the orientation listing on the News Corp. owned MySpace.

The story (excerpted) from Raw Story:

The popular social networking site MySpace appears to have eliminated the ability of users to list their sexual orientation as 'Gay' within their profiles.

The screen shot below shows that the function that allows MySpace users to edit their personal profiles has eliminated 'Gay' as an option under the 'Background and Lifestyles' section. Curiously, users can still list themselves as 'Lesbian' or 'Bi.'

Who what on the who now? So muff-munching is kosher, and apparently it's okay to suck the occasional ding-dong so long as you don't turn pro? Cue my confusion-face.

Frankly I think this was some overzealous database tomfoolery (or in MySpace's case "Tom"-foolery). Likely the data monkeys were working on the MySpace DB and neglected to turn the gayness back on or something after a routine scrubbing. Whatever. Big deal. Even a tin foil hat wearing conspiracy theorist like myself finds this a little goofy. Why eschew gay but leave in "bi," which as every regular viewer of the long lost Rikki Lake show knows means "Bi the way, I'm gay!" To be generous, "bi" is just shorthand for Junior Varsity Gay.

Relax kids, there's always facebook, and friendster, and the innumerable clones that are being built currently by Rolling Stone, Spin, Amazon, Clearchannel, and every other corporate stooge standing in the wings trying to sell you sneakers and Doritos.

To save our lives you've got to envision the Fiery Crash

2007-04-24T13:15:00.000-05:00

Omaha. Sokol Underground. 4.23.07
Indio. Coachella Music and Arts Festival. 4.27.07

Andrew Bird

turnstiles on mezzanine
jet ways and Dramamine fiends
and x-ray machines
you were hurling through space
g-forces twisting your face
breeding superstition
a fatal premonition
you know you got to envision
the fiery crash

oh, close your eyes and you wake up
face stuck to a vinyl settee
oh, the line was starting to break up
just as you were starting to say
something apropos, i don't know.

beige tiles and magazines
lou dobbs and the cnn team
on every monitor screen
you were caught in the crossfire
where every human face has you
reaching for your mace so it's
kind of an imposition
a fatal premonition

to save our lives you've got to envision
to save all our lives you've got to envision
and to save all our lives you've got to envision
the fiery crash
it's just a formality
why must i explain?
just a nod to mortality
before you get on

before you get on a plane.

oh, close your eyes and you wake up
face stuck to a vinyl settee
oh, the line was starting to break up
what was that you were going to say?

The Blind Leading the Stupid

2007-04-23T13:26:00.000-05:00

Is the enemy of my enemy by definition my friend?

Not really.

But in the interest of equal time I would like to point out that attention whore, townhall.com columnist and media weasel Mike Gallagher (no relation to the fruit-smashing variety of Gallaghers) will once again "selflessly"* be offering 3 hours of his airtime to the Westboro Baptist Church in exchange for them relenting picketing the funerals of the kids murdered at Virginia Tech. This will be the second time he's given over his show to the WBC. The first time was to prevent them picketing the funerals of the Pennsylvania Amish that were slain a few years ago.

I don't quite understand how negotiating with the WBC jives with Mike and his ilk's neo-con stances on not negotiating with other terrorists. But apparently when the deed serves your needs, the line blurs somewhat.

Hatemongering coot, or senile douchebag? Probably both.

Don't misunderstand, the WBC shouldn't picket funerals, period. It's tasteless, it dishonors the memory of the deceased, and it really doesn't help the WBC, since it muddies their message (which is almost exclusively gay-hatred). But giving them access to the airwaves seems to make less sense than maybe just making the funerals private, thus making their presence prosecutable.

I don't agree with Mike or any of his townhall.com hatemongering media whore pals (Bill Bennett, Hugh Hewitt, Michael Medved, etc.) on 99.9% of the topics they cover. However, I think anyone with a functioning heart and a mind can agree that it may be better for the Westboro Baptist Church to be anywhere else, even spreading their hate on Mike's not often listened to airwaves, rather than picketing at the funerals of those poor individuals in Virginia.

*By "selflessly" I mean making a big stink about it and exploiting people's hatred of the WBC to fill three hours of airtime and incite his listener base. He gets to play both sides, the hero and the villain.

Off Roadin': Marv Style

2007-04-22T22:38:00.000-05:00

If you are a stalker of mine, and I have many, then you know that I recently turned in my leased Volkswagen New Beetle Convertible. The third and final VW I will have anything to do with. I could, can, and have gone on and on about the woes of ownership (lessorship in the final one's case) of a VW from Olsen VW of Omaha. Crappy car, crappy service, crappy experience on the whole for me. Whatevs.

So I'm out of that frying pan and into the fire of Jeep ownership.

I've recently found out that in the world of 4WD the penis-measuring rivalries are even more irrational than the insane lameness that was driving around the bulbous vagina that was my VeeDub.

I am glad I went with the Jeep rather than some of the more absurd competition.

Take a gander:

If you happen to be a Hummer driver and you read this blog...

um, fuckin' stop it.

Thanks.

A Coke and a... smile?

2007-04-17T08:57:00.000-05:00

Here's something for you kinksters out there:

If you're looking at this and don't have any idea what it is, or can't imagine its usage, then you probably have a pretty tame sex life (no offense).

I don't know why, but I picture those Coca Cola memorabilia collectors having a hard time reconciling whether or not this should go in their Ethan Allan hutch in the formal dining room next to the polar bear driving the Coke truck figurine and the plush Santa enjoying a Coke.

I don't have exact measurements, but guessing by scale I would presume it's life size. So why you would buy this versus just jamming a regular Coke bottle up your hoo-hah I have no idea. But there it is nonetheless, once again proving that if you can imagine something (no matter how insane) it probably exists somewhere.

Thanks to sexblo.gs for the the original post (link very NSFW)

Mrs. Doubtfire held for questioning

2007-04-16T09:28:00.000-05:00

It was a run-by fruiting

Hate crimes are not funny. That said, check out this story from KTVU.com:

Pacifica Woman Charged For Assaulting Gay Couple With Produce

POSTED: 10:50 pm PDT April 15, 2007
UPDATED: 10:59 pm PDT April 15, 2007
SOUTH SAN FRANCISCO -- A woman accused of targeting a gay couple with a selection of produce in Pacifica in March was arraigned Friday in a South San Francisco courtroom, the San Mateo County district attorney's office reported.
Tiffany Adler, 20, is accused of heaving an assortment of apples and asparagus at the couple from the interior of a van driving past them as they walked down a city street, according to the district attorney's office.
Adler also allegedly yelled a slur at the victims, the district attorney's office reported.
Both victims were struck by the fruits and vegetables, and police investigating the incident reportedly discovered a piece of asparagus in Adler's purse, according to the district attorney's office.
On Friday, Adler pleaded not guilty to misdemeanor hate crime and battery charges.
A jury trial is scheduled to begin July 2. Adler remains out of custody on her own recognizance, the district attorney's office reported.
Copyright 2007 by KTVU.com and Bay City News

As hate crimes go, this borders on the insane. Although antiquated, the practice of throwing rotten fruit at sub-standard performances isn't unheard of (although I was never clear why overripe tomatoes were so readily available at vaudville-era theaters), the act of throwing fresh produce at people whose lifestyles you disagree with is very nearly performance art.

The tagline about her having an asparagus spear in her purse seals the deal.

Also, an apple chucked at you can do some damage, but asparagus flung from a moving car? Is that really all that dangerous? Did any of it even connect? And perhaps most importantly, WTF?

I do hope the gentlemen involved in the incident were unharmed, or at least no more psychologically damaged than anyone attending the first three rows of a Gallagher concert.

Your restaurant has gone too far

2007-04-16T07:24:00.000-05:00

This is a photo from W'Duck restaurant in Motosinhos (which is apparently in Portugal. Don't feel bad, I didn't know where it was either). Notice anything "odd" or "eccentric" about the seating?

That's right, they're toilets!

And instead of napkins you use toilet paper.

No shi.... uh, no kidding.

Do the toilets work? I don't know, but I hope not. Otherwise it's eerily similar to the Mr. Show episode "Rudy will await your foundation."

It's all a little too meta. And it's gone too far for my liking.

RIP Kurt Vonnegut

2007-04-12T10:40:00.000-05:00

RIP 1922-2007

I just found out that Kurt Vonnegut passed away last night at the age of 84.

He was one of my favorite authors, and ironically I was talking shit about him yesterday; Specifically in reference to how his later work talked about how old he was, death and dying.

He was stoic, funny, and ultimately a humanist.

And if ever the bummer tag applied, it's today.

In memoriam, at my next opportunity I'll try to take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.

Should MSNBC give the boot to Imus?

2007-04-10T15:06:00.000-05:00

In a word yes, but not for the racist, hateful, shitty things he said about the Rutgers Women's basketball team. He should be cut loose for the following reasons:

1) He's retirement age anyway. What is he, like 235 years old? The guy is a cross between an Anne Rice and a Louis L'Amour novel. Seriously.

2) Attention whores only truly disappear when you deprive them of attention. Don't waste your time hating Imus, Coulter, Sharpton, Hannity, Limbaugh, etc. etc. They feed off of your anger. They love attention whoring, and Al Sharpton doubled our pleasure by going toe to toe with the "I-man" on this latest kerfuffle. Whee! Twice the absurdness. They are one of the few problems in the world that actually go away when ignored. I suggest we do just that.

Honestly, I don't think anyone would've known what Imus had said if such a stink hadn't been raised. You know why? Because nobody under the century mark listens to Imus, save for a couple brain-dead rednecks. Sure, he's allegedly the third most listened to morning show in the continental U.S. But what does that mean in 2007? Not a whole hell of a lot, thanks to iPods, XM, Sirius, Morning Edition, and the like. In a market that splintered, all third place means is "second place loser."

3) The cryptkeeper has put on a few pounds, no?

Before

After

See the difference? Me either.

and finally...
4) Because when I turn off my TV at night watching Olbermann (AKA the single best talking head show on cable), I don't want to have to catch my news in the morning watching this baritone skeleton wearing a leather bag and a hat and his mustachioed sidekick "talking" about the "news," thank you very much.

It's like I go to bed in a world that's seemingly sane and then wake up in some alternate universe where in lieu of learning about world events that transpired in my sleep, I have to find out what's up with Mary Chapin Carpenter and then listen to a couple fossils ruminate while completely uninformed ad infinitum.

So MSNBC, if you would be so kind, lower Imus back into his crypt and seal it off this time. And here's an idea, put something on in the morning that doesn't suck.

Thanks a bunch!

Hugs,
M

UPDATE: Kevin Hench at Fox Sports agrees with me. And how often will you ever find anyone at Fox who agrees with me? It's rare. Mark your calendars.

UPDATE 2: I won! Hooray! MSNBC drops Imus’ show

Holy Shit: Peanut Butter and Bananas

2007-04-02T07:34:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: Believe what you want. I'm not here to poop on anyones belief system. If you're Christian, Buddhist, Scientologist, Raelian, Hari Krishna, Wiccan or a Moonie, or what the hell ever... I don't care. But I do have a problem with using crappy arguments to back up mostly-unprovable theories. So don't get all huffy just because I'm about to show why strict Christian creationists are bonkers, or at the very least they're use some very dodgy logic.

First, Peanut Butter:

That's right. Since life has never sprung forth from a jar of peanut butter, then God created the heavens and earth in 6 days. Wha-wha-whaaaat?

And now for Bananas:

That's right. God doesn't want us to eat things that are difficult to open and not made for our hands. So I guess that puts the screws to this year's clambake.

Also, someone was adroit enough to point out that the "tab" on a banana isn't on the top, it's on the bottom. Bananas grow upward. Also, bananas, as we currently enjoy them, were engineered by humans to make them more pleasingly edible. Apparently the big G wasn't concerned about the seeds. But most "natural" foods as we have them now have been at least manipulated on the genetic level a little bit to make them pest resistant, extend shelf life and heartiness for travel, and generally more edible. Aren't we defying "His" will just by making our crops more resistant to locusts, considering that one of "His" favorite old school plagues?

I'm just asking.

Now I think I'm going to go have a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

(As an aside: It's going to make the Growing Pains reunion that much more awkward with Kirk Cameron hanging with strict Australian creationists and Boner being a member of Anton LaVey's Church of Satan.)

Special thanks to Mike the Mad Biologist over at Science Blogs.

Fashion Don'ts 2: More Badness

2007-03-19T15:31:00.000-05:00

Not in that shirt it isn't, girlfriend:

I'm sure that it's true, particularly if she got you the shirt:

Stop laughing, you insensitive bastard.

Thanks to ilovebacon.com for the images.

You wouldn't like him when he's angry... or otherwise.

2007-03-16T15:15:00.000-05:00

Okay, okay... I promised that I was going to try and stray from politics and Mac vs. PC coverage and stick to comedy for a while here on the blog. But this one is too good to ignore. And besides, nobody reads this thing anyway. So who cares?

You may have already heard a little something about Bob Garfield (from Ad Age magazine and co-host of NPR's On the media) interviewing Microsoft Chairman and richest man in the universe Bill Gates. The interview was more or less solid until Bob started challenging Bill on his concept for the ramifications of internet-delivered network programming on local affiliates. In fairness to both parties, it's a difficult model to follow since there's no precedent. But once you could tell Bill was tiring of Bob not understanding the Microsoft-level convolution of how local affiliates will stay on the air when people can get all their first run TV directly on their PCs the mood in the room was turning. It was at this point that Bob gave Bill a Steve Jobs-ian "one more thing" in the form of a question regarding what Bill thought of being represented by John Hodgman in the mac ads...

And the temperature dropped about 50 degrees in the room. Bill got audibly testy and although you can't hear someone giving someone else the finger, you can practically feel it in the audio. Needless to say, Bill has no comment on the mac ads. He will not be made a fool of. Except, um... well... a little late for that.

iTunes users can click here and download the podcast excerpt of Gates losing his cool. (Just download "Bob Garfield vs. Bill Gates," it's free!)

Too bad the interview had to end so abruptly. A good follow up to that smackdown would have been "So how's the conversion to Vista going? Are people caught up in all the 'wow!'?"

(The answer would probably be a resounding yes, despite all evidence to the contrary.)

But lest you think I'm being unfair, I will note that were the roles reversed and Swami Steve was getting served I have no doubt that he'd get a whole hell of a lot angrier. Jobs is a feisty mofo, historically. But I think that may be why he's such a helluva guy. He certainly has a cooler OS.

But I digress... back to the comedy.

And THIS is Jennifer Smedley!

2007-03-14T09:31:00.000-05:00

In case you didn't know, our sweet Smed out in L.A. rocking shows and soaking up a ton of Improv experience at Second City and Groundlings. We love her because she rocks so much.

She shot a pilot for a sitcom called the Fan Club, and the trailer is online. You'll probably recognize a few of the faces in there. Among the other actors is Groundlings legend and Reno 911 regular Mindy Sterling.

Very cute, no?

Smed is spot on as Becca. Wish there was more of her in it, but still delightful to see the fairest of the Weisen's rocking balls on the coast.

Smed, we [heart] you!

Fashion Don'ts

2007-03-12T14:51:00.000-05:00

There is nothing, not ONE thing acceptable about this picture.

Likewise here.

This is simply unacceptable, people.

No socks with sandals. And no socks and sandals with kilts and polos or with satellite-dish cats and lattice work.

It simply will not be tolerated on my watch.

Unclear of the Concept

2007-03-08T19:51:00.000-06:00

But wait, I thought that Fox News was comedy 24 hours a day. How will people be able to distinguish?

Your eyes do not deceive you. That's Rush & Coulter doing their hilarious shtick of... um, being themselves?

Cindy Sheehan shooting spree? Hilarious. Hey, didn't her son get killed in Iraq, leading her to go on a one-woman mission of protesting an unjust war? Oh yeah... that was her.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE making jokes at the expense of the bereaved. I'll be the first to say that there's nothing funnier than a mother losing her kid. Except maybe AIDS or baby cancer.

I received the link to that video in an email and all I can do is echo the text in the subject line: "holyfuckingshit"

Good to see that Coulter can deliver a punchline with the same je ne sais quoi as she does calling John Edwards a "faggot" or 9/11 wives "grief-arazzis."

Seriously though, the execution on this is very SNL 80. And didn't Rush already prove that he was poison to TV?

My head would be exploding if I thought anyone other than the mouth-breathing NASCAR Smash-em-up trailer-tards that think the GOP give a shit about them will be watching this by default. Personally, I'll keep getting my comedy from funny people.

Holy Shit: God Tube

2007-03-05T14:46:00.000-06:00

You read it right, now you have something to watch while you're munching down on your Bible Bars. It's GodTube, a religious YouTube.

Please do not misunderstand, I AM NOT ridiculing anyones faith. Believe all you want in whatever you want as much as you want. So long as you're not bugging me I don't give a squeeze. (Which is far more benevolent than "Christians" are about things like... oh, I don't know, gay marriage. But whatevs.)

I do, however, reserve the right to ridicule thinking that flies in the face of science, fact and logic. And that brings us to Chatting with Charley:

&autostart

Seriously, did I miss the NASA scientists being "distressed" when they found out that Saturn's rings were braided and banded? I must've missed the press release. Nonetheless, it's a wee bit irksome when creationists try to throw science back in the face of evolution to try and prove it wrong. As though miscalculations in astrophysics and geologic hypotheticals not matching up means that there was a literal global flood.

It's a fascinating tack to take, as though if you speak slowly and deliberately and pepper your statements with scientific jargon, somehow your massive leaps in logic will somehow connect. An actual scientist (as in one that isn't working for a particular agenda) can rip these theories a new a-hole. But it's more disturbing to think about the people who watch this without a critical eye and give Charley the last word on the matter.

Scary stuff.

The "C" Word (I mean Coulter. Geez, lighten up)

2007-03-03T23:30:00.000-06:00

Well, if it's not inappropriate for Ann Coulter to call John Edwards a "faggot" then I guess it's not at all inappropriate for me to call her a ~~cunt~~. But I'm better than her, so I won't. Instead I'll just encourage her to continue attaching herself to the GOP. Because her patented hate speech couched in the "I'm a tall leggy blonde that makes snide comments, so I'm above reproach" bullshit will drown the neo-con movement faster than a boat made of swiss cheese.

Don't feel bad, if you read this Ann, you're still more manly than me.

But then again, you're manlier than most.

UPDATE:

GOP response to Ann's words of love have been predictably slow (as they measure the level of scandal), and tepid at best in response with everyone playing the

From Towleroad:

Mitt Romney's spokesman Kevin Madden said, "It was an offensive remark. Governor Romney believes all people should be treated with dignity and respect. Political discourse ought to be more substantive and thoughtful."

John McCain called the comments "wildly inappropriate" through his spokesman Brian Jones.

And Rudy Giuliani echoed his fellow candidates: "The comments were completely inappropriate and there should be no place for such name-calling in political debate."

Republican candidates Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee, Tom Tancredo and Vice President Dick Cheney, who also attended the CPAC conference where Coulter made her remarks, have not yet, to my knowledge, crafted public responses.

Ann responded with her usual snide nastiness, saying "I'm so ashamed, I can't stop laughing." This just furthers my theory that she feeds on hate the way vampires feed on blood. The difference being that I'd rather be trapped in an elevator with a vampire.

And how about the middle of the road response from Mitt Romney? And this guy is the GOP front runner as of now? Good one. Keep backing him. He's a gem.

Insanity.

AdWatch: Genius ad from Absolut

2007-03-02T09:03:00.000-06:00

An Absolut ad (from the E.U.) for their new "Cut" beverage.

It serves as yet another example of how European ad agencies push the envelope while U.S. agencies for some reason think we want to see Jared Fogle being intimidated by John Cena. Go fig.

Hi-freaking-larious.

Jesus H. Christ, Boston, get over yourselves!

2007-02-28T14:23:00.000-06:00

Authorities in Boston have detonated a suspicious "device" that was chained to a stop sign.

The "device" appears to be a traffic counter, placed there by... most likely... the city works department.

I'm curious, will the Mayor of Boston turn into a giant pussy and demand financial restitution from the Boston City Works department for placing a "hoax device" on a street corner in the financial district? For all the lost man hours and the bomb squad?

Or will this just be swept under the rug by a city's administration that sleeps with a gun under the pillow and has an itchy trigger finger?

Just wondering, as are Ignignokt and Err.

[Full Story]

You can't kill the Rooster

2007-02-26T22:41:00.000-06:00

A mugging in Brazil gone wrong.

Shots fired.

A MacBook Pro gets between the bullet and the intended victim.

The MBP takes the bullet, stops it... and still boots up.

Think your Dell, HP or Vaio could save your life?

Suck it, Panasonic Toughbook.

Complete Story Here.

For those of you with offspring

2007-02-25T16:25:00.000-06:00

Because I've not spread my seed, I'm regularly left out of the conversation when the other two Weisenheimers males discuss their children. The Wiggles, Bob the Builder, Thomas the Tank Engine and the Veggie Tales; sure I've watched some Lazy Town episodes for my own personal reasons, but by and large I'm in the dark.

As usual, Robert Smigel (the genius behind TV Funhouse and Triumph the insult comic dog) hit the nail on the head, at least so far as I can reckon, on the Veggie Tales.

Enjoy.

TV Funhouse - Religetables
Uploaded by PigLips

The shows went very well, thank you.

2007-02-24T20:06:00.000-06:00

Hey Weisen-buddies,

Sorry about the long sleep between postings. We've all been busy with work, projects, fun, touching ourselves and of course last weekend's run of shows at the Icehouse. Thanks to everyone who came out and braved the horrible weather to watch us do our thang. Three sold out shows (out of five) and the most reserved seats for a comedy show at the Icehouse. That factoid is courtesy of the door guy and alternately our Thursday night opener. We've heard different quantifiers like "this year" or "ever" so you be the judge. Regardless, it was a helluva turnout and everybody seemed to have a good time except for the inevitable table of douchebags who show up drunk, are mean to the wait staff, yell out stupid things at the wrong times and are asked to leave. We average about one table like that per week-long club run that we do. They got off light with merely being asked to leave, seeing as how Monty likes to shred drunk hecklers and eat their souls.

Anyway, if you missed the show we had Friday nights' early performance professionally taped and I'll be posting clips on youtube in short order. Also Home Office Brontosaurus Photography took pictures at all the Friday and Saturday night shows and will be cleaning those up and we should have some tasty new pics of us in action before too long. These things take time people.

I did run a stationary camera off stage for a portion of Saturday night's early show and have put those clips up on youtube. You can check them out on my channel here. The audio is a little muddy, but you get the idea.

Also, if you have not yet made us your myspace friend then stop foolin and head over to our myspace page and do so immediately. Times a-wastin'!

I'll be resuming regular comedy-related posts to the Weisen-blog this coming week, so take heart. I'm sure Monty might post something once in a great while as well. The other two? Not so much. But whatever, they're lovable nonetheless.

Love to you all, kids!

Junk Watch: Vista Launch pt.2

2007-02-01T12:40:00.000-06:00

As you see below, I made a little mention of the indifference Vista is receiving to the scorching popularity of the Zune.

Well, today things got a little uglier in Redmond. One of the Executives that launched the Zune project is "leaving" Microsoft.

From Seattlepi.com:

The Microsoft Corp. executive who oversaw the launch of the Zune music player, its challenger to Apple's dominant iPod, plans to leave the company.

Microsoft described the expected departure of Bryan Lee, 43, as a personal decision not related to the performance of the product. Before the Nov. 14 launch, the company acknowledged that it faced an uphill climb against the iPod, and it reiterated Wednesday that Zune has so far met its expectations.

Some analysts were skeptical of Microsoft's explanation. Lee was one of the two top executives leading the Zune project.

"This is clearly a sign of trouble in Zune-land," said Van Baker, industry analyst at Gartner Inc., citing sales results for the Zune device. "It had an acceptable launch week, but then it immediately slowed down."

How does this bode for the little brown Zunes that float like so much Microsoft debris in the toilet of technology? Not so well, one would imagine. Particularly in light of the iPhone, the inevitable widescreen iPod, and all of Uncle Steve's other little secrets he's got stashed up his be-turtlenecked sleeves.

Microsoft's official word is that the guy is "retiring."

He's 43 years old.

I totally buy it. Don't you?

2007 is going to be an interesting year in portable electronics.

Junk Watch: Vista Launch

2007-01-31T08:50:00.000-06:00

Which is worse: The Steve Jobs "Reality Distortion Field" or the Bill Gates "Denial Bubble"?

Making every possible media round Gates made a stop on American Morning, where his handlers apparently didn't tell him that Miles is a closet Mac addict. Hostile territory for someone pushing his "groundbreaking Aero interface" which bites so hard on Apple's style you can hear the crunch.

Case in point:

Oh yeah, because editing HD video and burning DVDs have never been integrated into an operating system before.

I haven't seen this much general indifference since the... well, the Zune.

Refer a Friend to Funny

2007-01-25T06:51:00.000-06:00

In celebration of the completion of the Weisenheimers first decade of dominance we've got a little contest for you, simply get as many of your friends to be our friends as possible.

But HOW?

Simple, post a bulletin in your myspace with this banner in it:

that's <a> </a> in html.

Tell your friends to go to http://wwww.myspace.com/weisenheimers and add us as a friend, but make sure they message us letting us know who referred them!

All of our friends will receive a special coupon to a mySpace night at the Icehouse, and the friend who refers the most new friends will win a fabulous prize!

Junk Watch: More Computer Toys

2007-01-23T12:29:00.000-06:00

Finally, somebody recognizes that to truly enjoy internet porn, you NEED to have a computer desk designed for "supine usage."

And yes, I know that this is more geared to the bed-ridden and those with special needs. But it'll be a boon to the internet porn industry as well. Just think, no need to leave the bed except to empty out the bucket of your filth. Fantastic!

Will wonders never cease?

For proper enjoyment of this actual product, visit their page here.

But they're the national bird...

2007-01-18T15:02:00.000-06:00

Sitting with Monty last Saturday night at Grumpy's Bar & Grill (the official B&G of the Beatrice, NE country club), as we waited patiently to offer the fine folk at Lottman Construction Company's holiday party the rare, but occasional 2-man Weisenheimers show, I happened to glance over at the TVs. Coming back from a commercial break where I was commenting about how the NFL "robot that does warm ups" next to the stats window on screen creeps me out, the camera panned the crowd, lingering on one woman with a lovely t-shirt:

At the moment I thought perhaps my eyes deceived me, but alas they had not. I mentioned it to Mont, who said that if it were true I could find it on youtube. (The link shows how correct he was.) But I thought at the time that with all the FCC regulation about "dirty" words in primetime, was this somehow exempt? Isn't the printed word just as offensive to uptight "call the FCC"-types as the spoken word? Apparently that answer is a resounding yes.

Hilarious.

I'm glad I know that I should be offended.

Bukakke? More like Bu-cookie!

2007-01-18T09:59:00.000-06:00

Do I have a serious mental problem, or is this the same conclusion anyone would draw from looking at these gingerbread men?

Yesterday was food day at the office and there's a mammoth tub of gingerbread fellas that remain. Whilst snacking on one I noticed that the frosting got out of hand. Rather than just a quick glaze-frost to accentuate the features of Mr. G. Bread, it looked more like he was the "pig-bottom" in a specialty video the likes of which one could find on many fetish sites.

Wouldn't anyone arrive at the same idea? Or is it just me?

And it's called the Nick's Hex

2007-01-15T16:30:00.000-06:00

How successful can you become writing faux white-reggae hits for bong-packing snowboarders? Judge for yourself:

From The Wall Street Journal Online

Nick Hexum, the lead singer for the band 311, is asking $10 million for a private island in the Florida Keys that he bought for $2.8 million three years ago.

The roughly six-acre island lies a half mile off Summerland Key, about midway between Marathon and Key West. A 3,500-square-foot house features three en-suite bedrooms, a third-floor great room with a 300-gallon aquarium, and a crow's nest balcony on the roof where Mr. Hexum says he likes to play guitar. The island also has a pool, barbecue deck, cement pier and its own propane-powered generator. Previous owner Cris Lesick says the lights stayed on even during Hurricane George in 1998, when most of the area lost power.

Ms. Lesick and her family bought the island in 1978 and built the house in 1995; they rented it out until Mr. Hexum bought it in 2003 (the Lesicks now serve as caretakers). Mr. Hexum, whose rock/alternative/reggae band 311 had two platinum-selling albums in the 1990s, renamed the island Melody Key from Money Key, and says he spent several million dollars renovating it, only to have to redo much of the work after the home and island were damaged during last year's hurricanes.

Mr. Hexum says he doesn't want to sell the island, where he has written several songs, but has too high a percentage of his assets tied up in the property, which he says is "mortgaged to the hilt." Nonetheless, Mr. Hexum, whose primary residence is in Los Angeles, says he won't accept an offer under $10 million. "Do not waste my time with $9,999,999," he says.

Apparently nobody told Nick that the bubble burst on the private-island real estate market. And does "planting premium ganja" count as "millions of dollars of improvements"? Methinks not.

Worse yet it would appear that Nick hasn't seen the M.C. Hammer episode of Behind the Music. Is it wise to super-mortgage personal real estate investments when one has yet to crack the Top 40? I think this would be proof that it would not.

And how come there's no discussion of the Des Moines crackhouse that S.A. Martinez is trying to unload? Kidding, of course. The crackhouse is in L.A.

This post is more funny "hmmmm" rather than funny "ha ha". But you already knew that.

Idiocracy: What happened?!?

2007-01-11T14:49:00.000-06:00

Mike Judge's second live-action feature film came out on DVD this last Tuesday. Idiocracy with Luke Wilson, Dax Shepard and Maya Rudolph. What's that you say? You hadn't even heard about it? Perhaps that's because after shelving it for a year, 20th Century Fox buried it with a release on a handful of screens and no promotion. They purposefully put it out to pasture. So certainly you must be thinking that the movie must be pretty crappy for Fox to so unceremoniously dump it, right? Well, I picked up my copy today and watched it end to end and I can tell you that the movie isn't bad. Is it fall-down hilarious? No, it isn't that either. Instead it's the kind of satire that starts with you laughing and ends with you feeling sick to your stomach.

You see, about two thirds the way into the movie it becomes evident, at least superficially, why Fox buried this film. Nearly an hour in we're treated to a vision of what Fox News will look like in about 498 years: all exploding graphics and inarticulate pituitary retards reporting a narrow, slanted and jingoistic version of the news. (I know, I know, how can you tell it's any different from right now?) The anchors are replaced by a shirtless bodybuilder and a gargantuan-breasted vixen throwing it to a live reporter who says things like "and they knew he was all guilty and shit." On the surface it would appear that maligning Fox News while your film is being released by 20th Century Fox, both part of the same company, might not be such a good idea. It is possible that Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox, News Corp. and Sean Hannity's balls, may have had a problem with Mike Judge portraying his beloved news network in such a way. But I think that's an oversimplification.

Idiocracy has some very funny parts, and it is listed as a comedy, or at least as a satire. But what I found was that it's actually a horror film. It's the extrapolated worst case scenario consequences of a disposable culture. Picture the current film Children of Men re-imagined as a comedy and you'd pretty much have it. Rather than the meek inheriting the earth, it's the contents of your average Wal Mart inheriting the earth. And it starts out funny, but as the movie's timeline progresses and the concepts become more feasible the laughter slowly turns to a sour sadness. There's a real rushed feeling to parts of the movie, which leads me to believe that as the studio was seeing the dailies they pushed to just get it out the door. It wasn't because the movie was bad, but because while straddling the line of funny and profoundly depressing it went over the edge a few times, including *SPOILER ALERT* at the end, where things aren't so much resolved as just finished.

So I highly recommend this movie for the peek into Mike Judge's darker comic sensibilities as well as a cautionary tale. Because if anything, this isn't a comedic look into what things may be like in 500 years. It's more likely the way things almost certainly might look in 75 years. Why would I say something like that?

Oh.... I don't know.

Satisfaction: BEP style

2007-01-09T15:10:00.000-06:00

It's not really a shocker that the hip-hop crew America hates to love, the Black Eyed Peas, are breaking into acting. Fergie already got her start backing up Martika on Kids Incorporated. And Will.I.Am oozes the kind of multimedia ambition usually reserved for a Trump or a Diddy.

And since BEP has made no qualms about selling out in every way imaginable, it isn't surprising that they've whored themselves out to Snickers (among the gajillion other brands they've affixed their music or likeness to).

What is a shock is that the cute little movies they've made for Snicker's mini-site Instant Def, are actually not bad. Not hilarious, save for the above screen shot of an imperiled Fergie, but quaint and acted in an intentionally over-the-top sort of way.

So enjoy what passes for modern urban drama on the web: Instant Def. It's not the Kitty Cat Dance or Peanut Butter Jelly Time, but it's just as solidly acted.

Holy Shit: Bible Bar

2007-01-08T08:52:00.000-06:00

The depths of evangelical douche-iness seem to be as bottomless as the pits of hell itself. But sometimes a product or contrivance stands out so much that it deserves a closer look. And so it goes for the "Bible Bar." A health food snack sold at Megachurch gyms (which I also didn't know existed) in honkylicious suburban wastelands around the U.S.

I was first made aware of the Bible Bar from a passing mention in this ABC news report about "Body by God" programs available at some Jeebus Gyms (watch the video). Absurd? Yes. But it does bring us closer to the inevitable churches in Wal Marts that I've been predicting for a while.

You can't fault the smarmy bible beaters who love making a profit on the prophets for finding a niche market and exploiting it for all it's worth. And such is the case of the Bible Bar. Made with all the biblical tastiness of Deuteronomy, the Bible Bar finally gives you your righteous indignation in snack form. Made with wheat, barley, honey, olive oil, vines, figs and pomegranates, I have no doubt that the Bible Bar will, in fact, help you lose weight. Mostly because you'll be bazooka-shitting when that grenade of dense roughage hits your digestive tract. Why don't they just make a desert version that's bound together with chocolate laxatives to deal the final blow? I don't see why not.

So when you're looking for a snack, just think: What would Jesus eat? Probably the crap that they cram into a Bible Bar, since 2000 years ago they didn't have much of a choice. If he'd had his 'druthers, my guess is He'd be a Doritos man.

Monty's Look at the Movies

2007-01-05T08:46:00.000-06:00

Happily N'Ever After

Stars the voices of Sigourney Weaver and Sarah Michelle Gellar and revolves around an alliance of evil-doers taking over Fairy Tale Land. Only to be toppled by a ragtag band of freadom fighters... it like Red Dawn, but less Swazee-ey

Freedom Writers

Hilary Swank leads this classic story of Teacher meets Class, Teacher inspires class, class overcomes social-economic difficulties, class teaches teacher, audience leaves inspired... its like Red Dawn except instead of the Cuban invading Minnesota, it inner city youth learning to express them selves in a creative writing class.

Home of the Brave

Stars Samuel L. Jackson, 50 Cent, and Jessica Biel. It's about a unit of short-timers in Iraq. After a devistating final assignment in a remote village, the remaining soldiers must try and readjust to life at home. This movie is nothing Like Red Dawn as Sam Jackson is the anti Swazie

Code Name: The Cleaner

A femme fatale convinces an amnesiac janitor played by Cedric the Entertainer that he's a super-agent in the midst of taking down an international arms ring... I am not sure why she would do that... I mean what purpose does that serve and how will that help Swazie push the reds back to the gulf of mexico?

Night at the Museum

Staring Ben Stiller As dim-witted nighttime security guard, his first night at the Museum of Natural History is full of danger and surprises, as the humans and other animals on display come to life, looking for trouble. In other words, like Red Dawn, it teaches valuable lessons about family and modern gurilla warfare.

The Pursuit of Happyness

Will Smith plays a down and out salesman/ rubic's cube phenon in this shot for shot remake of Red Dawn.

Gerald R. Ford, dead at 93

2006-12-27T21:54:00.000-06:00

Ironically, now former President Ford is as active as Chevy Chase's career.

ZING!

But seriously, back in the day SNL made no attempt to have the actors look like the people they were parodying. So as a youngster I never got that Chevy Chase was doing a spot on impersonation of the president. Maybe it's because I was only 2 years old. Whatevs.

I'm pouring out a 40 for ya Ger. Your long national lifetime is over. Seacrest out.

windOwS vista suX, apparently

2006-12-19T15:49:00.000-06:00

The NYT tech guy David Pogue snarkily fronted on the new Windows OS. Check it:

Ouch. In fairness, Windows was never all that original, so how high could the bar have possibly been?

PWNED! or POWNED! or Owned! or whatever the kids are typing these days.

Don't Breed!

2006-12-14T12:42:00.000-06:00

Happy Holidays, y'all. Pictured above is the reason for the season: a screeching porkpile wigging over and electronic "edutainment" game.

The great thing about the picture is you'll be seeing it in your nightmares for months.

Try to envision it holding a sustained middle "c" in a lilting tenor and get an extra chuckle.

(picture outright stolen from Dethroner)

Man, sure got quiet around here...

2006-12-11T15:28:00.000-06:00

Wow. Does a guy have to re-enact the snowbound James Caan scenes from Misery to get something posted on the Blogaverse? Jeez. Wha the fuuuh?

Planes, Trains and Marvmobiles or Escape from Missouri

2006-12-01T17:07:00.000-06:00

As you read below, the "first storm of winter" to hit most of the U.S. East of the Rocky Mountains brought most travel to a grindy halt. And I certainly wasn't immune. While trying to wait out the worst part of the front over an undercooked steak salad and some trucker chat at the Flying J in Joplin I had no idea from my booth that things were going from bad to fucking insane outside.

By the time I decided that I couldn't keep up the conversation with a scruffy fellow who was "haulin' an empty back to K-C-M-O with no extra supplies in the truck," or look at the remains of the steak tartar salad in my booth I saw that my truck (and by my truck I mean Randy Stout's truck) had frozen into a glacier and it was raining ice cubes. The Missouri Road Conditions Website showed every road I needed to take in a bright orange, code for "no road visible." So after chipping away at the truck so I could open the door and a quick phone discussion with Hobronto I decided to go ahead and spend the night in Joplin. Primarily because I didn't have any choice. So with zero visibility I drove to the "downtown" portion of Joplin to find salvation. With my windshield smeared past the point of even guessing distance I drove with my head hanging out the window like an eager golden retriever. I stopped at the first place I saw.

Here's the sign for the unseemly hotel I spent my Thursday night in.

The first place I saw wasn't a Motel 6, a Super 8 or a Ramada. No, that would've made too much sense. The first place I could navigate to was the kind of motel you normally see Robert Stack describing on Unsolved Mysteries or featured in a Quentin Tarantino movie. Back in its heyday the Riviera Motel was probably something out of a James Lileks wet dream. Cantilevered roofs, flower-umbrella tables around the pool and a multiple building complex of "pull up to the door" rooms. From the office I thought it was charming and chock full o' kitch, of course I was just happy to have made it to anything resembling a hotel. It wasn't until I got in the room that I realized it was a shithole. I mean that in the nicest way, but wow. Every crack pipe, dead hooker in the mattress, mobile meth lab scenario you could imagine looks like it could happen here. However if it was 1964 you can easily picture happy families vacationing here, although why they'd come to Joplin defies logic. Perhaps they wanted a change of scenery from Springfield or Neosho. Whatever. What should I have expected for $33.45 after tax. Renting a yurt at the DeGray State Park is more expensive.

So I spent the night in #38, a smoking double where according to the friendly night desk clerk, I had the best chance of getting out in the morning. That's reassuring, no? I got up pretty early partly because I went to bed about 9pm. What the hell else could I do? No internet, nothing in walking distance and the room was about 85 degrees when i walked in. I'm not complaining, it's 12 degrees outside, so it was a nice change. But the toasty make the sleepy. The other reason I was up early, and sporadically through the night, was because the people in #37 (I can only assume about 15 people are in there) have been making a hell of a lot of noise. Weird noise. Sounded like they were doing some redecorating around 2 am, clogging around 4, and doing a little Lincoln/Douglas debating at 6. I'll just be sneaking out to the car to avoid seeing what kind of carnival of humanity is going on in there.

The sun is up now and word on the weather channel is that the major highways are clear. I have about 170 miles of state highway before I get to "major" interstate, but once there it's smooth sailing. I'm going to give it a little longer in hopes the sun might unfreeze the door to the truck somewhat and maybe, just maybe, they'll plow the parking lot. Plus I want to see what strange skin diseases I'll get by using the Riviera Motel bathroom. For those of you who know of the story of the insane Country Bunk Inn motel in Pueblo, CO, this bathroom gives it a run for its money. It's a twister. So this may be my final dispatch from the road. Thanks for joining me on the last stupid journey of 2006. At least I hope.

Here's what the truck looked like after I cleaned it off and scraped. Pretty much a delight.

In other news:
According to Weather Channel there are 255 minute delays at Chicago/O'Hare. So it'll be a great day to be selling $9 frappuccinos at the O'Hare sundries shop.

Apparently nary a snowflake fell in Omaha, so this is doubly frustrating. Once I get north of St. Joseph, MO it's apparently the roads are dry as a bone. It's just the 3-4 hours it's going to take me to get to St. Joe. Feh.

Finally, I guess the Weather Channel has a nightly talk show, like a Regis & Kelly only weather themed (of course) called Abrams & Bettes. I caught a little last night. Take the most retarded "Morning Latté" sketch from Will Ferrell/Cheri Oteri era SNL, put it in the evening and make it all about weather and you'll have an idea. It's kind of a train wreck, only the rare kind you actually don't want to look at. They promise to take a look at the "high tech world of surge forecasting" this week. Wow. Just hearing that made my pants tighter.

Okay, that's it. I'm going to brave the creepy shower then go chip the Ford Ranger out of the ice and snow. Wish me luck. However, if you're reading this that means I made it.

Captain's Log Supplemental: I made it home.

This was part of the "cleared off" portion of the MO State Highway. I was too busy pooping my pants to take a picture of the rough spots.

The Calm, The Storm and the Truck Stop

2006-11-30T16:44:00.000-06:00

Hey Kids,

Well I made it out of Arkansas alive, sort of. For the most part.

I took the following photo about 20 minutes before I hightailed it out of there to "beat the weather" back to Omaha.

The calm before the stormy drive. Me as myself in front of DeGray Lake.

Well, as I sit here at the Flying J Truckstop in Joplin, MO, you've probably surmised that the weather beat me. It's been a white knuckle ride up MO State Highway 71 (the route recommended by Mapquest) Listening to the local talk radio station on the way up I was persuaded to stop since the Joplin Sherrif, State Police, and possibly President Bush have declared Joplin a snow-packed nightmare worthy of a Stephen King novel. So I pulled over since: A) I have no weight/ballast in the back of the truck to aid with traction, B) It's NOT MY TRUCK, therefore complicating any potential fender benders, and C) I've been downing Starbucks canned cappuccino double shots on the quarter hour since 9 am so I would stay awake. Now I'm wired like Whitney Houston jonesing for a fix and another few minutes behind the wheel would've made my head explode.

So I thought I'd eat my first real (non-gas station processed) food of the day, a steak salad that's surprisingly decent and reasonably priced, while hopefully the sand trucks and plows are out making the 300+ remaining miles I have to get home traversable.

Sadly, this doesn't look that much better in real life, but it beats the hell out of the Fritos I had earlier.

I called Monty a while ago to keep from freaking out in the truck and it was a strange mix of calming and upsetting. Calming to joke with a kindred spirit, upsetting because he looked at the weather map while we were on the phone and said that the shit was actually hitting the fan BEYOND Joplin. As it was I was guessing where the road was.

So anyway, I bought the $5 worth of 24 hours of Flying J internet, but hopefully I won't need much more than a couple hours of it.

In the words of John Lithgow as the deranged Dr. Emilio Lizardo in the classic cult film Buckaroo Banzai, "I feel-a so break up, I wanna go home!"

Dammit.

P.S. Watch out for the steak salad. Medium rare apparently means uncooked in the middle.

Hugs.

Marvy

Another Dispatch from Arkin-Saw

2006-11-29T15:41:00.000-06:00

Lest anyone out there think that this trip was a vacation, please refer to the photo below:

Me and my mother standing at the booth, as rendered by my crappy phone/camera.

Do I look like I'm having fun? Of course not. You know why? I'm not. Not that I'm miserable or that many many people have it worse, but that doesn't soften the blow of glad-handing a bunch of assistant buyers of middle managers. Feh.

The more distressing part: By all meteorological accounts, I'll be driving through an epic snowstorm to get home tomorrow. It'll start getting rough in Fayetteville and strengthen to Stephen King novella levels by the time I get to Carthage, MO. Once I'm at K.C. everything should be cool, though. So just the first 6 hours of the drive will be rough. After that, smooth sailing.

Don't worry about me, babies. As the Weisenheimers know, I am the best driver.

Hugs not drugs,

M

Tha Derrty Souf

2006-11-29T07:17:00.000-06:00

Hey kids, just when you thought it was dead, I decide to go ahead and post a little more here on the page that 1) Matt never even signed up for despite multiple invitations, 2) Smed never posted on, and 3) Monty gave up Entertainment News a couple weeks ago. So why post something now? Because I'm back in the south, yo.

Yes, you'd think I would've learned my lesson after a disasterous week in Tennessee, but no. Here i am in the great state of Arkansas. Specifically in room 132 of the DeGray State Park lodge. I drove down yesterday to help my folks with a trade show that supplies the gift shops for all the 50+ Arkansas State Parks. This is a big deal for them, and since I've depleted my savings on all these trips to the American South, it also counts as their Christmas present from me. Sucks for them.

It's also a big deal for me, because I tweaked my back Sunday morning and have spent the last two solid days on a consistent cocktail of Vallium, Darvocet, Ibuprofen and my last surviving Oxycodone. In fact, right now as I type this from my room which overlooks the lovely DeGray Lake, I am flying high as a kite after my continental breakfast of pills. I will have to start rationing, though as I'm down to just a handful of pills left, and it's a long (read: 10+ hour) drive back to Omaha.

But I did want to chime in and say that although I'm loopy and seeing trails I can tell that this is a truly lovely place. There's a nest of cardinals (the birds, not the Catholics) outside my window and they're fluttering around doing bird things. It's very serene. However that serenity is about to be demolished when I head to the convention center and peddle candles for the next 8-10 hours.

Some notes: Due to late registration I'm in a handicap accessible room, which means no tub, but a wheelchair-capable shower. This is exactly like the La Quinta the Weisenheimers stayed in when we auditioned for Disney in Orlando. My general take on it: It would suck to be in a wheelchair, if for no other reason than they lay out the room very poorly, I'm guessing from not knowing. The closet is in the shower, I shit you not. And the riser extension on the toilet seat makes you feel like you're 3 years old and being potty trained. Good news for a fetishist, bad news for people who need foot-plant leverage while they poop... I'm guessing, of course.

My room, although handicap accessible, is for some reason in the basement (ground floor from the rear). Strange that it's not on the main floor, but it does give me the opportunity to be next to the workout room (which will go unused due to my fucked up back), the pool/hot tub (which will go unused because I brought no trunks and won't have time anyway... and the fucked up back), and the "game room," I put it in quotes because they have four games in there. Atari's Pole Position 2 (with the rad 4-speed shifter), Ms. Pac Man, some Fritz Lang's Metropolis-inspired pinball machine and some multicade device. It's not lame enough to make the list of X-Entertianment's worst game rooms list, but it's pretty weak. I took a phone pic of the Pole Position and you can see it here. Enjoy.

As you can see, my phone takes great pics, but trust me, that's Pole Position II, right next to a weird robot-lady pinball machine.

That's it for me. My folks were going to come to the room and clean up about an hour ago. Still no show and the trade show opens in 28 minutes, so I'm going to man the booth. Give me strength, kids. I'll need it.

Meantime, Huzzah.

P.S. In other fanboy news, blogger Dave White read my blog where I name checked him (at docmarvy.com) and sent me an email. I am very stoked about this as he is the type of writer I would like to be if I was good. Okay, that's it. I'm starting to black out. Peace, babies.

What John Hodgman would look like...

2006-11-13T10:06:00.000-06:00

if he were Japanese:

Hodgman, aside from being the "PC" guy, is an NPR commentator, hilarious rogue, and author of a very funny book. But apparently in Japan he looks just like a Japanese guy.

Weird.

Let's Celebrate Us Some Diversity

2006-11-10T16:41:00.000-06:00

So I'm surfing the BBC looking for the news that might have more of a global impact than the concept of a "Speaker Pelosi," and what do i run across? A story about a documentary film featuring these fellas:

Meet the Crippendales. And no, that's not a typo. These are four fellas with different disablities (different-abilities? handicaps? handicapabilities? Hell, I don't know anymore) who take off their clothes a la the beefy Swayze-esque studs at Chippendales do. Apparently their stage show relies heavily on a "Smooth Criminal" look.

Now while I appreciate these guys' moxie to challenge stereotypes, there's one reason I can't get behind it. Yep. There's one exception that takes this from the realm of "hells yea" to "bleah": They're British.

Hello? Seriously, Despite what you may have seen in the hit Brit comedy "The Full Monty," British men in their pale wan bods shouldn't shake their pasty willies for folks. There's a reason Chippendales are sub-sterroidal beefcake monkeys in white neckties: That's what people want to see.

So hats off to the Crippendales for changing stereotypes, but pants on to the Crippendales for being pale skinny Brits, ambulatory legs or no.

Hooray for diversity!

This week in entertainment news 11-10-2006

2006-11-10T08:51:00.000-06:00

The HUGEST Story of the week? Well its a toss up, its either 1) After nearly 12 years out of the legislative driver's seat the Democratic Party of the United States has one control of both houses of congress. or 2) The Federlines Split... Who am I kidding its totally the fact that the re-skinny Britney is back on the market, and now with added MILFiness!

K-FED's 15 minutes struck 14:30 on Tuesday, but Britney listed the separation as Monday, the same day the once again attractive Miss Spears made a surprise drop in on Late Night and Canadian camera crew caught Kevin Ferderline receiving a text message that left him visibly upset. Yeah you read right Brit dumped him via her Sidekick, then went Ice Skating and shopping in Manhattan.

Recap of Britney's To Do list, 1) Get thin, buy wig- Check; 2) Have Lawyers draft Divorce Papers- Check; 3) Show my goodies off to Letterman and the world- Check; 4) Practice my Lutz, text the Putz- Check and Check 5) Get that sweater I saw at the Gap- Check

Brittney cited irreconcilable differences as the reason for the split and requested physical and legal custody of the couple's two sons, Kevin a day later filed for sole physical and legal custody the boys, one-year old Sean Preston and two-month-old Bargaining chip...I mean Jayden James. Britney is said to have an Iron-Clad pre-nup.

Speaking of divorces, less than a week after formally separating, Reese Witherspoon filed for divorce from Ryan Phillippe. The actress is asking for joint custody of the couple's two children and for the judge to block any attempt on Phillippe's part to get spousal support. However since they married for love and didn't have a pre-nup, Ryan is already looking at getting half of all the Leagally Blonde money

Faith Hill is insisting that her on-camera freak-out at the CMA Awards after losing Best Female Vocalist to Carrie Underwood was a joke. "The idea that I would act disrespectful towards a fellow musician is unimaginable to me," Hill said in a statement... riiiiight, and "I didn't Inhale" and "There are weapons of mass destruction" oh and the new favorite, "I just received a massage"

On the subject of losers, Gamers will be able to purchase TV shows and download them to their Xbox as well as rent and watch movies on their consoles beginning November 22... now if only there was a feature that allowed them to leave the house or get a girlfriend.

An Italian newspaper reporting that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes plan to wed at Castello Odescalchi, a medieval castle on the shores of Lake Bracciano north of Rome. The couple will reportedly kick off events with a celebrity-packed party Nov. 16, tie the knot in a Catholic ceremony Nov. 17 and seal the deal with a Scientology service on Nov. 18... I know what your are all thinking, what is longer the Catholic Mass or the talking with Aliens...well it depends on the alien.

Maybe K-Fed can put on some Zombie make up and get back to his roots, this week we learned Michael Jackson, The King of Nuts, is scheduled to perform Thriller at the World Music Awards on Nov. 15, where he will also receive the Diamond Award. The host of that show is none other than 20 year old actress/singer/afterschool special Lindsay Lohan.

Speaking of Lindsay, this week it was announced Miss Lohan will star in an adaptation of Tennessee Williams' The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond. In it she will play a debutante with a talent for shocking and insulting those around her... wow what a stretch. Oh and her week was even busier than that, she also managed to squeeze in yet another car crash in the wee hours of Tuesday morning while trying to flee the paparazzi... no wonder it took so long for Montana to count their ballots...

Two college students featured in Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan are suing , claiming members of their fraternity were tricked into getting drunk and engaging in other boorish behavior after being told that the movie wouldn't be screened in the U.S... You know what this is an outrage, it totally misrepresents the fraternity life style, without Borat these young men would have never drank in excess and watch pornography one their own.

Did I mention whiteguys? Taylor Hicks will sing the national anthem before the NASCAR Ford 400... I wonder how much he'll flail, I mean dance, during that number? Speaking of Idols, Kellie Pickler has landed a development deal at Fox. She is in talks to star in a sitcom about a Southern girl who discovers her long-lost father is a governor, who's running for president... Its called My Daughter, the Idiot Who Sings Every Episode... or something like that.

Speaking of the TV, NBC is ordering a full season of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, despite it being terribly insulting to the intelligence of anyone watching. And ABC announced a new animated Christmas special, Shrek the Halls, will premiere in December 2007... In the cartoon Shreck will learn the true meaning of Christmas, getting Eddie Murphy some work. Meanwhile ABC's Cash-cow, Lost, unveiled its action figures on Monday.. So now you too can make up your own convoluted Storylines that defy logic and conventional plot based norms. And lastly from the BOOB TUBE, "Fat Actress" Kristie Alley donned a bikini to show off her new shape on The Oprah Winfrey Show, fulfilling a pledge she made about a year ago... that pledge, "to make a million households celibate"

Speaking of pleasantly Plump, Mariah Carey's production company suing a concert promoter for breach of contract, asking for $1 million to reimburse her for expenses she incurred while prepping for a Hong Kong concert that got canceled. The Promoter said it nixed the performance due to poor advance ticket sales and the singer's "unreasonable demands."... What prepping did she do that's worth a million dollars? Build a time machine and retriever her younger, thinner, more talented self?

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt set to tie the knot in Las Vegas next week, with George Clooney serving as best man. Well their wax figures are. Madame Tussauds Las Vegas holding a waxen wedding for the star duo, mainly because they have already had same sex marriages in wax, Rosanne and Tom Arnold to name one. (What too old of a couple? Eat me.)

PSA: Vote

2006-11-06T16:45:00.000-06:00

Okay. Seriously. Go out and vote on Tuesday. If you don't, the Weisenheimers will come to your house, shit in your mailbox, rearrange your furniture, and throw your children in an industrial chipper/shredder. Specifically for you Nebraskans: Do you really want to see this guy in office:

Pete Ricketts shown relaxing at his Fairacres Farm.

I didn't think so. So go flex your freedoms while you still have some left.

A New Chapter in Doogie's Diary

2006-11-03T20:11:00.000-06:00

Neil Patrick Harris, star of stage, screen, and teenage medical drama (shown here in casual weekend attire) has announced to People Magazine that he is gay.

But wait, you're probably saying, what about that drug and lap dance crazed version of himself he played in the greatest American film since that dude fucked that pie, Harold & Kumar Go to that one place? Well, think back kiddies. He didn't say he wanted a lap dance... from a female! So there. Apparently Doogie had some chapters of his digital diary that he wasn't sharing with the rest of us. What does it mean for America, though? Can all the families that huddled around the TV 15 years ago come to grips with the fact that the boy genius they all loved was heading over to manhunt.net when the cameras stopped rolling? Could it be with all these seemingly normal icons of 80's (and early 90's) pop culture coming out, that maybe we as a culture are maturing to the point where we can... (gasp) handle homos walking among us? Next to Chad Allen, Lance Bass, and Ted Haggard (allegedly) this is among the most important revelations (or should I say rev-a-GAY-tions? No. Probably not.) of the last few years.

Be warned, decent Americans, the homos walk among you. They walk their pets near your home, they raise your property values by turning skanky old shops into trendy eateries, they style your hair like they always have, and they are the cute kids you watched on 80's comedies and light dramas.

If ALF comes out then I'm really gonna freak.

This week in entertainment news 11-04-2006

2006-11-03T08:56:00.000-06:00

Dick Clark we will once again be making us feel very uncomfortable by rockin' in 2007 with cohost and santa's little helper Ryan Seacrest plus musical guest Christina Aguilera on his annual New Year's Rockin' Eve special.

Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe have formally separated. Meanwhile Witherspoon settled her lawsuit against Star magazine for a cover story claiming she was preggers... So apparently Reese is settling with the tabloid but not settling with Ryan any longer... Lets just hope this doesn't go Baldwin/Bassinger or Mills/McCartney or even Hasselhoff/... that lady who married Hasselhoff

Oprah Winfrey gave away $1,000 Bank of America gift cards to members of her audience, with the instruction that they must give them away to a charitable cause... so some people get cars, some people get money they can't keep... how many audience members were like, "Oh I AM charity miss Oprah"

Michael Jackson due to receive the Diamond Award at the upcoming World Music Awards, according to a press release that touted the singer as the "world's most famous pop star on the planet." ... wait I am sorry that should have read, most INfamous, not just famous... Oh and instead of pop star that actually reads, nut-job.

Borat opens nationwide today but Universal Pictures is willing to bet $42.5 Million that Sacha Baron Cohen's follow up, Bruno will be a hit... me thinks that they are hoping the moviefilm does not suck

Madonna told Meredith Vieira on The Today Show that David's father turned down her offer to provide him with financial aid to help him raise his son. The also revealed that she will educate David in Kabbalah, but if "he wants to be a Christian, then so be it."... she will also educate the young master David in a fake English accent, and even instruct him on how to act terribly. Madonna continued her string of rationalizations, I mean interviews with the BBC. She told the Brits she would not rule out adopting from abroad again. However, she's giving it some time. "I would just like to experience David for a while and see how that works out first," she said... you know I just want to try this one out before I upgrade.

Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin will soon be on Broadway in Chicago as Roxie Hart and Billy Flynn... wow Dancing with the Stars does help your career... Good luck Drew!

Flavor Flav is expecting his seventh child, (though not with Deelishis). And I quote "I want 10 [children]. And one thing I will never do is deny any of my kids," ... the ONE thing you will never do? Can we add some things to your list? Because I have watched your show and there are dozens of things I want you to not do again.

Donald Trump was cited by Palm Beach officials for flying a 15-by-25 foot American flag from the roof of his lavish estate because the flag is larger than the size allowed by zoning laws... I want the largest most beautiful gold flag available, its gonna be huge, instead of Stars it will just have Trump 50 times.

Brad Pitt is in just boxers on the cover of December's Vanity Fair and he's a touch upset. The actor's peeps are calling the shot, "unauthorized," but the magazine says it has a photo release signed by Pitt... ok, Brad, your mad at vanity fair but you were happy about Troy?

Speaking of celebrities in less than formal wear, Marcia Cross is threatening to sue her trashman in an effort to reclaim naked photos of herself that she claims she discarded "accidentally". A representative of the garbage company, is claiming that Cross must "suffer the consequences." ... you know I do not think I am alone in this, but I have NEVER taken a nude photo of myself, and if I did, I think I would resign myself to the belief that someday that photo would be leaked, I mean it always is. If you're famous and you take a picture of yourself naked, it will get on the internet, end of story.

Brooke Shields says that she and Katie Holmes are friends... wow maybe Tom was right maybe Brooke should go off the meds...Speaking of Tom Cruise, he and his biznass partner Paula Wagner are taking over United Artists, the studio founded by Charlie Chaplin and Mary Pickford. Wagner will serve as CEO, while Cruise will be... Crazy.

Kenny G is the best golfer in music according to Golf Digest's "Top 100 in Music." well sure he has time to practice instead of you know selling albums or touring... by the way Justin Timberlake came in 15th, Snoop Dogg was ranked 44th and Pink took the 100 spot... Foreizzle muh nizziles.

Speaking of JT, Justin won Best Pop and Best Male Artist honors at the MTV Europe Music Awards in Copenhagen last night Christina Aguilera was named Best Female Artist and Red Hot Chili Peppers snagged Best Album for Stadium Arcadium, meanwhile Kanye West grabbed the microphone to rant on why he should have won best video... I can only assume Mike Meyers just looked on in shock.

David Hasselhoff will join the Las Vegas production of The Producers as the flamboyant cross-dressing director Roger DeBris...You know its always Springtime in Germany for the Hoff, they love him over there.

Maury Povich's attorney is asking for a gag order in the sexual harassment case against the talk-show host, a request opposed by the attorney of Povich's accuser, Bianca Nardi, who apparently wants to share the details... yikes, Sexual, Maury, Povich and details are four words that I never want to hear... Talk about a gag order.

Vote or Die

2006-11-02T09:15:00.000-06:00

It's election time again, a season filled with commercials designed to scare you in to civic duty. Here at the Weiseheimers Blogaverse we have decided to use the technologies at our Disposal to look into the future to see the political ads of tomorrow.

My number is 785934 mk 1 and I approved this message.

Canidate 9534-AK6 says she stands for moral values but did you know she has said she supports extending martial rights to non-humans?

Marriage has always been a sacred bond between two humans, but if Canidate 9534-AK6 becomes Senator 9534-AK6 you can count that the once honored institution of marriage will become just another in the long line of victims to the non-human agenda. If we let the Dolphins marry, what's next? Giving men the right to vote, Again?

Remember this Tuesday when you place your DNA Sample on the Ballot, vote for a canidate who believes in a Strong Moral Ameranada. Vote, 785934 mk 1 a vote for common sense.

James Whitney claims to be for stronger immigration laws, but is he?
In 1767 James Whitney's accestors immigrated to this country from England, illegally. Once in this area Whitney's forefather's worked the land as farmers, taking land and resources away from the area's aboriginal occupants.

James Whitney claims to be tough on immigration, but his family came here illegally what else is James Whitney Hiding?

Paid for by the committee to return Connecticut to the Mohegan and by Ashwat Casino, Ashwat has the loosest slots in the northeast and this December you can see the Rolling Stones in concert!

George Jameson is white. Are you ready to let a white guy back in government?

I'm Sayid Al Sufa and I would appreciate your vote for county clerk, because whitey just can't be trusted.

Remember to vote on November 7th, because if you don't they will... and we hate them don't we?

Life in 28.8k

2006-10-29T08:56:00.001-06:00

Hey kids. I'm still up on the mountain, trying to figure out what kind of person I was when 28.8kbps was a FAST connection speed for the internet. Because this is goddamned brutal. It takes a full five minutes just to sync up my email. Sure, it's a blip inside a blip in the space-time continuum, but an eternity when you're sitting in a hard rocking chair at a tiny rolltop desk hoping you don't get kicked off line.

Last night we went to the Ramsey house, which has no Wikipedia entry, or I would link it. It's the first free-standing structure/dwelling in the state of Tennessee. Pre-Revolutionary War, so it's damned old. They were having a Halloween hoedown trying to capitalize on the handful of ghost stories about the building circulated by drunk grad students working on the archaeological study of the property. (Part of the tour included talking with the resident archaeologist, who was a bearded retired college professor right out of central casting.) It's a nice short tour of a house where you get to hear, just about every three minutes, that the Ramsey's three youngest children died of malaria. The house was built in the middle of a swamp, by the way. So rocket science wasn't required to put the pieces together, fortunately they had about 17 other children, so not a big collateral loss. Frances Ramsey laid out most of the East Tennessee plot lines for land ownership (so I'm guessing the Cherokee indians loved him), and he was one of the co-founders of the University of Tennessee.

The whole trip, however, was hampered by some static between me and two uninvited tag-alongs in the back seat. One of them, in particular who lives on a diet of Xanax and Bloody Marys and got very confrontational with me about an issue I'm fairly passionate about. Being challenged in front of my parents, on my vacation, after not seeing them for almost a year left me no recourse but to threaten to unleash the torrent of verbal destruction I usually reserve for private rants in my head. (I was privy to some very damaging information regarding her personal life, and would never have considered using it under normal circumstances.) She backed down (very wisely, I must say), but that left the truck filled with the kind of awkward silence that most people hate... but as most of you know I get my giggles from. It was a feast of quiet tension that left me feeling almost remorseful for how much I was gobbling it up. It marred the whole trip and left her pouty, sniffling, and wolfing down mood altering medications when we got to the house. It was awesome. Maybe they shouldn't have invited themselves along. Lesson learned.

I thought they'd split for sure after that. But here they are in the other room, enjoying their first tomato beer of the morning. It's about 9a.m., that's not too early for the first of many... if you're an alcoholic. And I'm sitting back here not spending any time with my parents. The reason I made this trip, missing both a Weisenheimers show and my favorite Halloween party. I'm perilously close to heading into the kitchen and offering a "me or them" ultimatum, which wouldn't be fair to my folks, but I don't really have the latitude to just flat out tell these people to leave seeing as how this isn't my house. But I would if I could.

Okay, end rant from the mountain.
To be continued if I can get connected again.
Huzzah.

Stereotypes: Sad but True

2006-10-27T22:36:00.000-05:00

"Hey Marv, what do you hate about Tennessee?"

Great question, Weisenblog. Allow me to answer that question with a camera phone photo that I took at the "As Seen On TV" superstore in the Sevierville Mall (next to the K-Mart and the check cashing place):

How's that for classy?

Racism isn't a thing of the past around here. It's still pretty much the status quo.

Git-R-Done? Trust me, I'm done.
So far as I can tell, the only good things in Tennessee appear to be my parents, their dog, the bird and my fond memories of the Sunsphere. Beyond that, total crap.

Until my next hastily dashed off missive from the mountains,
Huzzah.

Discuss: Is Dennis Hastert attractive?

2006-10-25T13:08:00.000-05:00

Sure, he's powerful and commanding and he can sure fill out a suit, but is Speaker of the House of Representatives Dennis Hastert attractive. Discuss in comments.

2006-10-20T14:04:00.000-05:00

Beware the real red menace!

Know this! Even as you go about your daily life, surfing the internet for fetish sites, a threat to democracy lurks in retail stores and with general contractors...

Cover the Earth

Spread the word of Sherman, through the brissle of brush or the edge of the sword!

Discussion: Do Cows Go To Heaven?

2006-10-20T12:43:00.000-05:00

Do cows go to heaven, and if so, why? One would be inclined to believe that all dogs go to heaven, even the ones that eat babies because certain pit bull owners are retarded, but why cattle? Or brine shrimp? Or turtles? Certainly there can't be much of a need for such things once we shuffle off our mortal coil.

Sure, this isn't funny, but it demands discussion.

Carry on in comments.

Eat the Rich!

2006-10-17T15:11:00.000-05:00

I just wrote and deleted a scorching 2000 word essay on why rich people hate the working middle class. But then decided it wasn't funny, and really all I wanted to do was run this photo of your average Bently driver (that isn't a rapper). It lacks a tagline, so may I suggest: "Bently. Because Porsches are for common folk." Or, "Bently: The ultimate experience for rappers and elderly pricks." Enjoy, kids. (I'll save my serious political rants for docmarvy.com)

RFID-iculous

2006-10-16T08:38:00.000-05:00

Being a boring white person, I'm occasionally inclined to shop at the Gap or one of their affiliated businesses, Old Navy (Fat Gap) and Banana Republic (Monochromatic Thin Expensive Gap). And you probably haven't notices of late that the once-great Gap corporation has instituted the use of RFID tags to help with inventory and theft reduction. You probably haven't noticed, because the denim-clad drone behind the counter neglected to mention it. Now this shouldn't be a problem in most instances, so long as the only business you ever go into wearing these RFID-tagged clothes is the Gap. If you're a functional bipedal human being, however, you may be inclined to enter some other business wearing your new clothes. This is where a problem is posed.

Walking around Kansas City's Country Club Plaza last weekend wearing my new Old Navy Jeans (there was a sale at Fat Gap, so sue me), I set off almost every electronic theft reduction gateway I went through. In a shopping Mecca like the Plaza, that's about every 15 feet. Vexed, flustered and perplexed, it wasn't until setting off the alarm walking into Urban Outfitters that the culprit was determined. The bespectacled emo retail monkey restocking the ironic t-shirts asked if I'd recently purchased any of my outfit from the Gap.

"Yeah. The jeans. Old Navy, actually," I said it a little shamefully. Fat Gap always brings a defeatist tone to my voice. It's like admitting that you'll never be like the 30 inch wasted mannequins in the window at Thin Gap.

"Ah," he muttered, "they've been RFID tag crazy over there. Come on in."

And I did go in, but I didn't like spending the weekend feeling like mutant, setting off alarms everywhere I went. So an open letter to Gap, Inc.: How about you tell people when they check out that there's a huge fucking RFID tag hidden down the leg of their jeans or up the seam of their sweater, since once you finally do find this tag it reads "Remove before washing or wearing." I'm sorry, but I don't tend to inspect new clothing with that level of Sherlock Holmes style scrutiny. Maybe it's a personal flaw, but I'm inclined to believe that most men don't turn their jeans inside out prior to wearing. So how about just a little nod to the tag between the announcement of the total and the offer to open a Gap card account? Or here's a crazy idea, if there isn't a line, maybe go ahead and offer to cut them out on the spot, thus alleviating such hassles. That'd be nice.

Anyhoo... there's a whole bunch of hubub on the net about RFID tags being the mark of the beast and whatnot. You can read about it here or here or here.

That's all for today. I have unconfirmed promises from Matt and Smed that they'll be joining the fun soon. I hope so. Just having me and Mont ranting can get a little trying.

2006: The Year of Colbert

2006-10-13T15:40:00.000-05:00

Although it's undeniable that this site is going to be a nod to the comic genius of the four nerds who contribute, from time to time we need to pay heed to those whose stars shine just a skosh brighter than our own. In the case of comedy, one would be hard pressed to deny that 2006 has been the year of Stephen Colbert. Talk about a Second City success story. You can go to his Wikipedia page to read up on the basics, but a tip of the hat (with no wag of the finger) to a guy who got his start in the comedy business working at the Second City gift shop, now ascending to the heights of comic greatness. If you haven't seen Colbert this year, then your eyes have been closed. Homeboy been everywhere. From his scorching White House Press Dinner speech to his nightly Comedy Central show to the release of the at-moments-hysterical Strangers with Candy feature film, Colbert has been homebrewing a fanbase as ardent as Dane Cook's, but a whole hell of a lot smarter. So take a moment with me and let's reflect on the pillar of truthiness that is Mr. Stephen Colbert. May his Tek Jansen adventures strech beyond space and time. So ends the lovefest. Huzzah.

Ayn Rand was full of shit!

2006-10-12T16:31:00.000-05:00

Objectivism is great, if you're a rich industrialist asshole. If you're, say, the other 98% of the populace of the U.S. then it really isn't that super. What bugs me about Objectivists (AKA Randroids) is that they subscribe to it like Catholic dogma or Scientologist doctrines. Philosophy as religion? Thank you, no. I should note that I'm not implying that Objectivism holds together as a solid philosophy. It's just pretztel logic wrapped up in a box of flowery words and agonizingly long passages. Oh sure, it's couched in some pretty alluring concepts like reason and personal responsibility, but underneath the veneer lurks some pretty morally ambiguous and downright unnerving ideas.

So why am I ranting about it? Because Matt and Smed still haven't signed on and I'm damned angry. So keep that in mind, Objectivists. The next time I see Ayn Rand on the street, I'm going to kick her square in the balls. Because that's how I fight reason, with chaos.

That is all.

Happy Coming Out Day!

2006-10-11T10:51:00.000-05:00

Nine Abraham Lincolns agree: October 11th is the best day to make complete strangers uncomfortable by telling them your darkest sexual secrets. Enjoy!

The Rolling Stone Interview with James Monroe

2006-10-11T10:09:00.000-05:00

Journalist Pete Hamill spoke with James Monroe for an interview that was published in Rolling Stone Magazine's June 5th 1975 issue. James speaks of his recent separation and reconciliation with Yoko Ono. Other topics include his own recent albums and working with Phil Spector, Elton John, and Svante Nilsson.

Q: "What's your life like right now?"

James Monroe: Well you know I racked up a lot of debt in my public work, you know serving as governor, secretary of state and President. Then my wife got sick and since no one wants to talk about affordable health care that drained what little moneys I had left. Right now I am just crashing at my daughters place, looking for that next score.

Q: "What did happen with you and Yoko? Who broke it up and how did you end up back together again?"

James Monroe: Listen, the think about Yoko and me is this, she is an artist and I am a Democratic-Republican, that means were are always simultaneously pulled together and torn apart, plus she found some old letters I wrote to one of Jefferson's slaves... but come on, I mean have you seen the that stuff?

Q: "I loved your line: 'The separation didn't work out.'"

James Monroe: Yeah, well I mean we tried to function apart but love conquers all, well love and a strongly worded doctrine.

Q: "There's still a good feeling among the guys?"
James Monroe: Oh sure, John Quincy will send me a note every once and a while but you know now that he's the President he has a lot of things to do, you know, faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States, take out the slop for the pigs after supper. But every now and again I'll get a note that will read, "YOU SUCK." Its a joke we've been playing on each other since his dad was in the white house... when I was the United States Ministers Plenipotentiary to France, I'd call him over and just say, "YOU SUCK." Oh man we have some stories.

Q: "You went to one of George's concerts, what are your thoughts on his tour?"

James Monroe: Listen George William Smith is doing his own thing. When I was governor of Virginia, I had some big shoes to fill, I did my best. Now that George is running that crazy house all I can say is I wish him the best. Wait or were you talking about Washington?

Q: "George said at his press conference that he could play with you again but not with Paul. How do you feel?"

James Monroe: OK I see what your trying to do. Listen, John "Paul" Jones is a crazy Scott; you know he killed a guy in Tongo? Yeah he’ll mention it within five minutes of meeting you, that guy is a fruitcake and a half. Yeah, he flees to his brothers plantation and is all,"Paul is dead, I'm John Jones." Like he's the freaking walrus, or Martian Manhunter.

Q: "What was it about the year? Do you want to try talking about it?"

James Monroe: Well if I didn't want to talk about it I wouldn't be sitting here in this wing-backed chair would I? The last year since moving in with Marisa here in New Your City has been, rough, what with the TB and all. You wake up every morning and cough up blood and your like, "I need my pipe." A couple of bowls of Washington's Own and your ready to take on the day. But you know, I am feeling good, NYC has got some great clubs, leave it to the Dutch right?

Q: "Why do you feel better?"

James Monroe: Look, I just woke up and said, "You know what? I was effing President of the United States, I have a doctrine and Liberia named their capital after me. Yeah I am broke, yeah I am suffering tuberculosis, sure my first lady never invented zingers, but you know what BLOW ME."

Q: "Tell me about the Rock 'n' Roll album."

James Monroe: Well some of the gang and I threw some stuff together on a lark and suddenly we were like, "This is good," so I called Jermaine Dupri and he agreed to produce. Then, we brought in the Wall of Sound.

Q: "What about the stories that Spector's working habits are a little odd? For example, that he either showed off or shot off guns in the studios?"

James Monroe: Serriously, Phil Specter loves the 2nd Amendment but I, and the rest of the Framers of the Constitution, tried to tell him it wasn't about guns it was about the peoples right to defend their homes... you know organize a militia, fend off the Irriquios. Phil is going to get into trouble man, that guy is nuts. If he doesn't kill someone by February 4th 2003, I'll be very surprised. I mean the Teddy Bears were OK, but that guy is a few amendments short of a bill of rights.

Q: "What actually did happen those nights at the Troubadour when you heckled the Smothers Brothers and went walking around with a Kotex on your head asking the waitress, 'Do you know who I am?'"

James Monroe: Ok so let me get this straight, Jefferson can sire like a dozen mulatto kids and the press turns a blind eye, I get ripped on Pinot Nior and stick a feminine hygiene product in my hair and suddenly that's a top story. Well I was sick, I checked in to that Abigail Adams Center right after that incident, 28 days later I was more fit and I apologized to the wench and to Dick, Tommy can kiss my ass though.

Q: "What's your relationship with Nilsson? Some critics say that he's been heavily influenced, maybe even badly screwed up by you."

James Monroe: Svante Nilsson was a Swedish statesman and regent of Sweden under the Kalmar Union. He became a member of the Privy Council of Sweden, but acted with in opposition to his distant kinsman Sten Sture the Elder, going as far as supporting John of Denmark. Unwillingly he then switched sides and supported Sten Sture in overthrowing the king, which at the death of Sten Sture led to himself being elected regent. His resignation was demanded by the Privy Council of Sweden, but in practice he remained in power until his death.

Q: "...and that you've also been influenced by him."

James Monroe: Ok a little, but how can any modern statesman say that he is influence by Nilsson, the guy was pure emotion.

Q: "You mean that he'd gone into his primal period..."

James Monroe: Yeah, you know Washington was like that too, pretending to be an ape or a monkey... sometimes a lady of the evening.

Q: "Elton John has revived 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.' How do you feel about him as an artist?"

James Monroe: Elton sat in with The Framers, ended up playing piano on Article 3; I think he is a terrific showman, a bit flashy for my taste. But when he sang that candle song at Hamilton's wake... wow.

Q: "I read somewhere that you were very moved by the whole thing."

James Monroe: I was, you know, seeing a young guy like that pouring out all that emotion, I was like you know we all need to work together. Really that's when the Era of Good Feelings began.

Q: "There seems to be a lot of generosity among the artists now."

James Monroe: Well just look at what Hank Clay is doing, Maine and Missouri, I mean that's brilliant. I can see any reason why everyone couldn't get along like this all the time. I mean what issue could come up that would drive a wedge between the states now?

Q: "Do you think of New York as home now?"

James Monroe: Well yeah, Maria's letting me just relax, enjoy the city, I go to this head shop in the village and just hang out. You know my mother’s family had a lot of land but not a lot of money, my dad was a carpenter and grew herb... I am just a player trying to stay in the game.

Q: "You went through a period of really heavy involvement in radical causes. Lately you seem to have gone back to your art in a more direct way. What happened?"

James Monroe: Listen, sometimes you lead by holding the flag behind Washington while he crosses the Delaware, sometimes you inspire through your poetry, right now I am just concentrating on my word you know. Besides, I served my two terms, and lost my cash, now its time for this brother to get paid.

Q: "Is it called growing up?"

James Monroe: Its called get paid and get laid, that’s the new Monroe Doctrine.

Q: "Do you think much of yourself as an artist at fifty or sixty?"

James Monroe: I don't see myself slowing down until like 73, then I'll slow really down... to a stop.

Q: "Have you made any kind of flat decision not to ever go on the road again?"

James Monroe: I won't be leaving this city, well unless they move my body 27 years after my death.

Q: "So this last year, in some ways, was a year of deciding whether you wanted to be an artist or a pop star?"

James Monroe: Yeah, its like, I am I going to live my life for me, or am I going to live my life for the people... well you know what I choose me... its not like I am on the twenty, hell they didn't even give me the nickel.

Junk Watch: Toys

2006-10-10T13:06:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the one home accouterment that will fit perfectly in your parent's basement and pretty much guarantee you'll never get laid. It's the gaming chair from ROCCAFORTE. Perhaps Monty would dig it, but for anyone who isn't flying an X-wing fighter it's just some very unfortunate furniture.

-Marv

Welcome to the Weisenblog

2006-10-10T09:06:00.000-05:00

Finally, a way for all four mildly disconnected comic geniuses that comprise Omaha's legendary comedy troupe The Weisenheimers to connect with you... people with internet connections. Watch this space for big fun happy comedy time explosion.