Gerald R. Ford, dead at 93

Ironically, now former President Ford is as active as Chevy Chase's career.

ZING!

But seriously, back in the day SNL made no attempt to have the actors look like the people they were parodying. So as a youngster I never got that Chevy Chase was doing a spot on impersonation of the president. Maybe it's because I was only 2 years old. Whatevs.

I'm pouring out a 40 for ya Ger. Your long national lifetime is over. Seacrest out.

windOwS vista suX, apparently

The NYT tech guy David Pogue snarkily fronted on the new Windows OS. Check it:

Ouch. In fairness, Windows was never all that original, so how high could the bar have possibly been?

PWNED! or POWNED! or Owned! or whatever the kids are typing these days.

Don't Breed!

Happy Holidays, y'all. Pictured above is the reason for the season: a screeching porkpile wigging over and electronic "edutainment" game.

The great thing about the picture is you'll be seeing it in your nightmares for months.

Try to envision it holding a sustained middle "c" in a lilting tenor and get an extra chuckle.

(picture outright stolen from Dethroner)

Man, sure got quiet around here...

Wow. Does a guy have to re-enact the snowbound James Caan scenes from Misery to get something posted on the Blogaverse? Jeez. Wha the fuuuh?

Planes, Trains and Marvmobiles or Escape from Missouri

As you read below, the "first storm of winter" to hit most of the U.S. East of the Rocky Mountains brought most travel to a grindy halt. And I certainly wasn't immune. While trying to wait out the worst part of the front over an undercooked steak salad and some trucker chat at the Flying J in Joplin I had no idea from my booth that things were going from bad to fucking insane outside.

By the time I decided that I couldn't keep up the conversation with a scruffy fellow who was "haulin' an empty back to K-C-M-O with no extra supplies in the truck," or look at the remains of the steak tartar salad in my booth I saw that my truck (and by my truck I mean Randy Stout's truck) had frozen into a glacier and it was raining ice cubes. The Missouri Road Conditions Website showed every road I needed to take in a bright orange, code for "no road visible." So after chipping away at the truck so I could open the door and a quick phone discussion with Hobronto I decided to go ahead and spend the night in Joplin. Primarily because I didn't have any choice. So with zero visibility I drove to the "downtown" portion of Joplin to find salvation. With my windshield smeared past the point of even guessing distance I drove with my head hanging out the window like an eager golden retriever. I stopped at the first place I saw.


Here's the sign for the unseemly hotel I spent my Thursday night in.

The first place I saw wasn't a Motel 6, a Super 8 or a Ramada. No, that would've made too much sense. The first place I could navigate to was the kind of motel you normally see Robert Stack describing on Unsolved Mysteries or featured in a Quentin Tarantino movie. Back in its heyday the Riviera Motel was probably something out of a James Lileks wet dream. Cantilevered roofs, flower-umbrella tables around the pool and a multiple building complex of "pull up to the door" rooms. From the office I thought it was charming and chock full o' kitch, of course I was just happy to have made it to anything resembling a hotel. It wasn't until I got in the room that I realized it was a shithole. I mean that in the nicest way, but wow. Every crack pipe, dead hooker in the mattress, mobile meth lab scenario you could imagine looks like it could happen here. However if it was 1964 you can easily picture happy families vacationing here, although why they'd come to Joplin defies logic. Perhaps they wanted a change of scenery from Springfield or Neosho. Whatever. What should I have expected for $33.45 after tax. Renting a yurt at the DeGray State Park is more expensive.

So I spent the night in #38, a smoking double where according to the friendly night desk clerk, I had the best chance of getting out in the morning. That's reassuring, no? I got up pretty early partly because I went to bed about 9pm. What the hell else could I do? No internet, nothing in walking distance and the room was about 85 degrees when i walked in. I'm not complaining, it's 12 degrees outside, so it was a nice change. But the toasty make the sleepy. The other reason I was up early, and sporadically through the night, was because the people in #37 (I can only assume about 15 people are in there) have been making a hell of a lot of noise. Weird noise. Sounded like they were doing some redecorating around 2 am, clogging around 4, and doing a little Lincoln/Douglas debating at 6. I'll just be sneaking out to the car to avoid seeing what kind of carnival of humanity is going on in there.

The sun is up now and word on the weather channel is that the major highways are clear. I have about 170 miles of state highway before I get to "major" interstate, but once there it's smooth sailing. I'm going to give it a little longer in hopes the sun might unfreeze the door to the truck somewhat and maybe, just maybe, they'll plow the parking lot. Plus I want to see what strange skin diseases I'll get by using the Riviera Motel bathroom. For those of you who know of the story of the insane Country Bunk Inn motel in Pueblo, CO, this bathroom gives it a run for its money. It's a twister. So this may be my final dispatch from the road. Thanks for joining me on the last stupid journey of 2006. At least I hope.


Here's what the truck looked like after I cleaned it off and scraped. Pretty much a delight.


In other news:
According to Weather Channel there are 255 minute delays at Chicago/O'Hare. So it'll be a great day to be selling $9 frappuccinos at the O'Hare sundries shop.

Apparently nary a snowflake fell in Omaha, so this is doubly frustrating. Once I get north of St. Joseph, MO it's apparently the roads are dry as a bone. It's just the 3-4 hours it's going to take me to get to St. Joe. Feh.

Finally, I guess the Weather Channel has a nightly talk show, like a Regis & Kelly only weather themed (of course) called Abrams & Bettes. I caught a little last night. Take the most retarded "Morning Latté" sketch from Will Ferrell/Cheri Oteri era SNL, put it in the evening and make it all about weather and you'll have an idea. It's kind of a train wreck, only the rare kind you actually don't want to look at. They promise to take a look at the "high tech world of surge forecasting" this week. Wow. Just hearing that made my pants tighter.

Okay, that's it. I'm going to brave the creepy shower then go chip the Ford Ranger out of the ice and snow. Wish me luck. However, if you're reading this that means I made it.

Captain's Log Supplemental: I made it home.


This was part of the "cleared off" portion of the MO State Highway. I was too busy pooping my pants to take a picture of the rough spots.

The Calm, The Storm and the Truck Stop

Hey Kids,

Well I made it out of Arkansas alive, sort of. For the most part.

I took the following photo about 20 minutes before I hightailed it out of there to "beat the weather" back to Omaha.



The calm before the stormy drive. Me as myself in front of DeGray Lake.

Well, as I sit here at the Flying J Truckstop in Joplin, MO, you've probably surmised that the weather beat me. It's been a white knuckle ride up MO State Highway 71 (the route recommended by Mapquest) Listening to the local talk radio station on the way up I was persuaded to stop since the Joplin Sherrif, State Police, and possibly President Bush have declared Joplin a snow-packed nightmare worthy of a Stephen King novel. So I pulled over since: A) I have no weight/ballast in the back of the truck to aid with traction, B) It's NOT MY TRUCK, therefore complicating any potential fender benders, and C) I've been downing Starbucks canned cappuccino double shots on the quarter hour since 9 am so I would stay awake. Now I'm wired like Whitney Houston jonesing for a fix and another few minutes behind the wheel would've made my head explode.

So I thought I'd eat my first real (non-gas station processed) food of the day, a steak salad that's surprisingly decent and reasonably priced, while hopefully the sand trucks and plows are out making the 300+ remaining miles I have to get home traversable.


Sadly, this doesn't look that much better in real life, but it beats the hell out of the Fritos I had earlier.

I called Monty a while ago to keep from freaking out in the truck and it was a strange mix of calming and upsetting. Calming to joke with a kindred spirit, upsetting because he looked at the weather map while we were on the phone and said that the shit was actually hitting the fan BEYOND Joplin. As it was I was guessing where the road was.

So anyway, I bought the $5 worth of 24 hours of Flying J internet, but hopefully I won't need much more than a couple hours of it.

In the words of John Lithgow as the deranged Dr. Emilio Lizardo in the classic cult film Buckaroo Banzai, "I feel-a so break up, I wanna go home!"

Dammit.


P.S. Watch out for the steak salad. Medium rare apparently means uncooked in the middle.

Hugs.

Marvy

Another Dispatch from Arkin-Saw

Lest anyone out there think that this trip was a vacation, please refer to the photo below:



Me and my mother standing at the booth, as rendered by my crappy phone/camera.

Do I look like I'm having fun? Of course not. You know why? I'm not. Not that I'm miserable or that many many people have it worse, but that doesn't soften the blow of glad-handing a bunch of assistant buyers of middle managers. Feh.

The more distressing part: By all meteorological accounts, I'll be driving through an epic snowstorm to get home tomorrow. It'll start getting rough in Fayetteville and strengthen to Stephen King novella levels by the time I get to Carthage, MO. Once I'm at K.C. everything should be cool, though. So just the first 6 hours of the drive will be rough. After that, smooth sailing.

Don't worry about me, babies. As the Weisenheimers know, I am the best driver.

Hugs not drugs,

M

Tha Derrty Souf

Hey kids, just when you thought it was dead, I decide to go ahead and post a little more here on the page that 1) Matt never even signed up for despite multiple invitations, 2) Smed never posted on, and 3) Monty gave up Entertainment News a couple weeks ago. So why post something now? Because I'm back in the south, yo.

Yes, you'd think I would've learned my lesson after a disasterous week in Tennessee, but no. Here i am in the great state of Arkansas. Specifically in room 132 of the DeGray State Park lodge. I drove down yesterday to help my folks with a trade show that supplies the gift shops for all the 50+ Arkansas State Parks. This is a big deal for them, and since I've depleted my savings on all these trips to the American South, it also counts as their Christmas present from me. Sucks for them.

It's also a big deal for me, because I tweaked my back Sunday morning and have spent the last two solid days on a consistent cocktail of Vallium, Darvocet, Ibuprofen and my last surviving Oxycodone. In fact, right now as I type this from my room which overlooks the lovely DeGray Lake, I am flying high as a kite after my continental breakfast of pills. I will have to start rationing, though as I'm down to just a handful of pills left, and it's a long (read: 10+ hour) drive back to Omaha.

But I did want to chime in and say that although I'm loopy and seeing trails I can tell that this is a truly lovely place. There's a nest of cardinals (the birds, not the Catholics) outside my window and they're fluttering around doing bird things. It's very serene. However that serenity is about to be demolished when I head to the convention center and peddle candles for the next 8-10 hours.

Some notes: Due to late registration I'm in a handicap accessible room, which means no tub, but a wheelchair-capable shower. This is exactly like the La Quinta the Weisenheimers stayed in when we auditioned for Disney in Orlando. My general take on it: It would suck to be in a wheelchair, if for no other reason than they lay out the room very poorly, I'm guessing from not knowing. The closet is in the shower, I shit you not. And the riser extension on the toilet seat makes you feel like you're 3 years old and being potty trained. Good news for a fetishist, bad news for people who need foot-plant leverage while they poop... I'm guessing, of course.

My room, although handicap accessible, is for some reason in the basement (ground floor from the rear). Strange that it's not on the main floor, but it does give me the opportunity to be next to the workout room (which will go unused due to my fucked up back), the pool/hot tub (which will go unused because I brought no trunks and won't have time anyway... and the fucked up back), and the "game room," I put it in quotes because they have four games in there. Atari's Pole Position 2 (with the rad 4-speed shifter), Ms. Pac Man, some Fritz Lang's Metropolis-inspired pinball machine and some multicade device. It's not lame enough to make the list of X-Entertianment's worst game rooms list, but it's pretty weak. I took a phone pic of the Pole Position and you can see it here. Enjoy.



As you can see, my phone takes great pics, but trust me, that's Pole Position II, right next to a weird robot-lady pinball machine.


That's it for me. My folks were going to come to the room and clean up about an hour ago. Still no show and the trade show opens in 28 minutes, so I'm going to man the booth. Give me strength, kids. I'll need it.

Meantime, Huzzah.

P.S. In other fanboy news, blogger Dave White read my blog where I name checked him (at docmarvy.com) and sent me an email. I am very stoked about this as he is the type of writer I would like to be if I was good. Okay, that's it. I'm starting to black out. Peace, babies.

What John Hodgman would look like...

if he were Japanese:



Hodgman, aside from being the "PC" guy, is an NPR commentator, hilarious rogue, and author of a very funny book. But apparently in Japan he looks just like a Japanese guy.

Weird.

Let's Celebrate Us Some Diversity

So I'm surfing the BBC looking for the news that might have more of a global impact than the concept of a "Speaker Pelosi," and what do i run across? A story about a documentary film featuring these fellas:



Meet the Crippendales. And no, that's not a typo. These are four fellas with different disablities (different-abilities? handicaps? handicapabilities? Hell, I don't know anymore) who take off their clothes a la the beefy Swayze-esque studs at Chippendales do. Apparently their stage show relies heavily on a "Smooth Criminal" look.

Now while I appreciate these guys' moxie to challenge stereotypes, there's one reason I can't get behind it. Yep. There's one exception that takes this from the realm of "hells yea" to "bleah": They're British.

Hello? Seriously, Despite what you may have seen in the hit Brit comedy "The Full Monty," British men in their pale wan bods shouldn't shake their pasty willies for folks. There's a reason Chippendales are sub-sterroidal beefcake monkeys in white neckties: That's what people want to see.

So hats off to the Crippendales for changing stereotypes, but pants on to the Crippendales for being pale skinny Brits, ambulatory legs or no.

Hooray for diversity!

This week in entertainment news 11-10-2006

The HUGEST Story of the week? Well its a toss up, its either 1) After nearly 12 years out of the legislative driver's seat the Democratic Party of the United States has one control of both houses of congress. or 2) The Federlines Split... Who am I kidding its totally the fact that the re-skinny Britney is back on the market, and now with added MILFiness!

K-FED's 15 minutes struck 14:30 on Tuesday, but Britney listed the separation as Monday, the same day the once again attractive Miss Spears made a surprise drop in on Late Night and Canadian camera crew caught Kevin Ferderline receiving a text message that left him visibly upset. Yeah you read right Brit dumped him via her Sidekick, then went Ice Skating and shopping in Manhattan.

Recap of Britney's To Do list, 1) Get thin, buy wig- Check; 2) Have Lawyers draft Divorce Papers- Check; 3) Show my goodies off to Letterman and the world- Check; 4) Practice my Lutz, text the Putz- Check and Check 5) Get that sweater I saw at the Gap- Check

Brittney cited irreconcilable differences as the reason for the split and requested physical and legal custody of the couple's two sons, Kevin a day later filed for sole physical and legal custody the boys, one-year old Sean Preston and two-month-old Bargaining chip...I mean Jayden James. Britney is said to have an Iron-Clad pre-nup.

Speaking of divorces, less than a week after formally separating, Reese Witherspoon filed for divorce from Ryan Phillippe. The actress is asking for joint custody of the couple's two children and for the judge to block any attempt on Phillippe's part to get spousal support. However since they married for love and didn't have a pre-nup, Ryan is already looking at getting half of all the Leagally Blonde money

Faith Hill is insisting that her on-camera freak-out at the CMA Awards after losing Best Female Vocalist to Carrie Underwood was a joke. "The idea that I would act disrespectful towards a fellow musician is unimaginable to me," Hill said in a statement... riiiiight, and "I didn't Inhale" and "There are weapons of mass destruction" oh and the new favorite, "I just received a massage"

On the subject of losers, Gamers will be able to purchase TV shows and download them to their Xbox as well as rent and watch movies on their consoles beginning November 22... now if only there was a feature that allowed them to leave the house or get a girlfriend.

An Italian newspaper reporting that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes plan to wed at Castello Odescalchi, a medieval castle on the shores of Lake Bracciano north of Rome. The couple will reportedly kick off events with a celebrity-packed party Nov. 16, tie the knot in a Catholic ceremony Nov. 17 and seal the deal with a Scientology service on Nov. 18... I know what your are all thinking, what is longer the Catholic Mass or the talking with Aliens...well it depends on the alien.

Maybe K-Fed can put on some Zombie make up and get back to his roots, this week we learned Michael Jackson, The King of Nuts, is scheduled to perform Thriller at the World Music Awards on Nov. 15, where he will also receive the Diamond Award. The host of that show is none other than 20 year old actress/singer/afterschool special Lindsay Lohan.



Speaking of Lindsay, this week it was announced Miss Lohan will star in an adaptation of Tennessee Williams' The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond. In it she will play a debutante with a talent for shocking and insulting those around her... wow what a stretch. Oh and her week was even busier than that, she also managed to squeeze in yet another car crash in the wee hours of Tuesday morning while trying to flee the paparazzi... no wonder it took so long for Montana to count their ballots...


Two college students featured in Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan are suing , claiming members of their fraternity were tricked into getting drunk and engaging in other boorish behavior after being told that the movie wouldn't be screened in the U.S... You know what this is an outrage, it totally misrepresents the fraternity life style, without Borat these young men would have never drank in excess and watch pornography one their own.

Did I mention whiteguys? Taylor Hicks will sing the national anthem before the NASCAR Ford 400... I wonder how much he'll flail, I mean dance, during that number? Speaking of Idols, Kellie Pickler has landed a development deal at Fox. She is in talks to star in a sitcom about a Southern girl who discovers her long-lost father is a governor, who's running for president... Its called My Daughter, the Idiot Who Sings Every Episode... or something like that.

Speaking of the TV, NBC is ordering a full season of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, despite it being terribly insulting to the intelligence of anyone watching. And ABC announced a new animated Christmas special, Shrek the Halls, will premiere in December 2007... In the cartoon Shreck will learn the true meaning of Christmas, getting Eddie Murphy some work. Meanwhile ABC's Cash-cow, Lost, unveiled its action figures on Monday.. So now you too can make up your own convoluted Storylines that defy logic and conventional plot based norms. And lastly from the BOOB TUBE, "Fat Actress" Kristie Alley donned a bikini to show off her new shape on The Oprah Winfrey Show, fulfilling a pledge she made about a year ago... that pledge, "to make a million households celibate"

Speaking of pleasantly Plump, Mariah Carey's production company suing a concert promoter for breach of contract, asking for $1 million to reimburse her for expenses she incurred while prepping for a Hong Kong concert that got canceled. The Promoter said it nixed the performance due to poor advance ticket sales and the singer's "unreasonable demands."... What prepping did she do that's worth a million dollars? Build a time machine and retriever her younger, thinner, more talented self?

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt set to tie the knot in Las Vegas next week, with George Clooney serving as best man. Well their wax figures are. Madame Tussauds Las Vegas holding a waxen wedding for the star duo, mainly because they have already had same sex marriages in wax, Rosanne and Tom Arnold to name one. (What too old of a couple? Eat me.)

PSA: Vote

Okay. Seriously. Go out and vote on Tuesday. If you don't, the Weisenheimers will come to your house, shit in your mailbox, rearrange your furniture, and throw your children in an industrial chipper/shredder. Specifically for you Nebraskans: Do you really want to see this guy in office:



Pete Ricketts shown relaxing at his Fairacres Farm.

I didn't think so. So go flex your freedoms while you still have some left.

A New Chapter in Doogie's Diary

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

This week in entertainment news 11-04-2006

Dick Clark we will once again be making us feel very uncomfortable by rockin' in 2007 with cohost and santa's little helper Ryan Seacrest plus musical guest Christina Aguilera on his annual New Year's Rockin' Eve special.

Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe have formally separated. Meanwhile Witherspoon settled her lawsuit against Star magazine for a cover story claiming she was preggers... So apparently Reese is settling with the tabloid but not settling with Ryan any longer... Lets just hope this doesn't go Baldwin/Bassinger or Mills/McCartney or even Hasselhoff/... that lady who married Hasselhoff

Oprah Winfrey gave away $1,000 Bank of America gift cards to members of her audience, with the instruction that they must give them away to a charitable cause... so some people get cars, some people get money they can't keep... how many audience members were like, "Oh I AM charity miss Oprah"




Michael Jackson due to receive the Diamond Award at the upcoming World Music Awards, according to a press release that touted the singer as the "world's most famous pop star on the planet." ... wait I am sorry that should have read, most INfamous, not just famous... Oh and instead of pop star that actually reads, nut-job.

Borat opens nationwide today but Universal Pictures is willing to bet $42.5 Million that Sacha Baron Cohen's follow up, Bruno will be a hit... me thinks that they are hoping the moviefilm does not suck

Madonna told Meredith Vieira on The Today Show that David's father turned down her offer to provide him with financial aid to help him raise his son. The also revealed that she will educate David in Kabbalah, but if "he wants to be a Christian, then so be it."... she will also educate the young master David in a fake English accent, and even instruct him on how to act terribly. Madonna continued her string of rationalizations, I mean interviews with the BBC. She told the Brits she would not rule out adopting from abroad again. However, she's giving it some time. "I would just like to experience David for a while and see how that works out first," she said... you know I just want to try this one out before I upgrade.

Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin will soon be on Broadway in Chicago as Roxie Hart and Billy Flynn... wow Dancing with the Stars does help your career... Good luck Drew!

Flavor Flav is expecting his seventh child, (though not with Deelishis). And I quote "I want 10 [children]. And one thing I will never do is deny any of my kids," ... the ONE thing you will never do? Can we add some things to your list? Because I have watched your show and there are dozens of things I want you to not do again.

Donald Trump was cited by Palm Beach officials for flying a 15-by-25 foot American flag from the roof of his lavish estate because the flag is larger than the size allowed by zoning laws... I want the largest most beautiful gold flag available, its gonna be huge, instead of Stars it will just have Trump 50 times.



Brad Pitt is in just boxers on the cover of December's Vanity Fair and he's a touch upset. The actor's peeps are calling the shot, "unauthorized," but the magazine says it has a photo release signed by Pitt... ok, Brad, your mad at vanity fair but you were happy about Troy?


Speaking of celebrities in less than formal wear, Marcia Cross is threatening to sue her trashman in an effort to reclaim naked photos of herself that she claims she discarded "accidentally". A representative of the garbage company, is claiming that Cross must "suffer the consequences." ... you know I do not think I am alone in this, but I have NEVER taken a nude photo of myself, and if I did, I think I would resign myself to the belief that someday that photo would be leaked, I mean it always is. If you're famous and you take a picture of yourself naked, it will get on the internet, end of story.

Brooke Shields says that she and Katie Holmes are friends... wow maybe Tom was right maybe Brooke should go off the meds...Speaking of Tom Cruise, he and his biznass partner Paula Wagner are taking over United Artists, the studio founded by Charlie Chaplin and Mary Pickford. Wagner will serve as CEO, while Cruise will be... Crazy.

Kenny G is the best golfer in music according to Golf Digest's "Top 100 in Music." well sure he has time to practice instead of you know selling albums or touring... by the way Justin Timberlake came in 15th, Snoop Dogg was ranked 44th and Pink took the 100 spot... Foreizzle muh nizziles.

Speaking of JT, Justin won Best Pop and Best Male Artist honors at the MTV Europe Music Awards in Copenhagen last night Christina Aguilera was named Best Female Artist and Red Hot Chili Peppers snagged Best Album for Stadium Arcadium, meanwhile Kanye West grabbed the microphone to rant on why he should have won best video... I can only assume Mike Meyers just looked on in shock.

David Hasselhoff will join the Las Vegas production of The Producers as the flamboyant cross-dressing director Roger DeBris...You know its always Springtime in Germany for the Hoff, they love him over there.

Maury Povich's attorney is asking for a gag order in the sexual harassment case against the talk-show host, a request opposed by the attorney of Povich's accuser, Bianca Nardi, who apparently wants to share the details... yikes, Sexual, Maury, Povich and details are four words that I never want to hear... Talk about a gag order.

Vote or Die

It's election time again, a season filled with commercials designed to scare you in to civic duty. Here at the Weiseheimers Blogaverse we have decided to use the technologies at our Disposal to look into the future to see the political ads of tomorrow.

My number is 785934 mk 1 and I approved this message.

Canidate 9534-AK6 says she stands for moral values but did you know she has said she supports extending martial rights to non-humans?

Marriage has always been a sacred bond between two humans, but if Canidate 9534-AK6 becomes Senator 9534-AK6 you can count that the once honored institution of marriage will become just another in the long line of victims to the non-human agenda. If we let the Dolphins marry, what's next? Giving men the right to vote, Again?

Remember this Tuesday when you place your DNA Sample on the Ballot, vote for a canidate who believes in a Strong Moral Ameranada. Vote, 785934 mk 1 a vote for common sense.

James Whitney claims to be for stronger immigration laws, but is he?
In 1767 James Whitney's accestors immigrated to this country from England, illegally. Once in this area Whitney's forefather's worked the land as farmers, taking land and resources away from the area's aboriginal occupants.

James Whitney claims to be tough on immigration, but his family came here illegally what else is James Whitney Hiding?

Paid for by the committee to return Connecticut to the Mohegan and by Ashwat Casino, Ashwat has the loosest slots in the northeast and this December you can see the Rolling Stones in concert!

George Jameson is white. Are you ready to let a white guy back in government?

I'm Sayid Al Sufa and I would appreciate your vote for county clerk, because whitey just can't be trusted.

Remember to vote on November 7th, because if you don't they will... and we hate them don't we?

Life in 28.8k

Hey kids. I'm still up on the mountain, trying to figure out what kind of person I was when 28.8kbps was a FAST connection speed for the internet. Because this is goddamned brutal. It takes a full five minutes just to sync up my email. Sure, it's a blip inside a blip in the space-time continuum, but an eternity when you're sitting in a hard rocking chair at a tiny rolltop desk hoping you don't get kicked off line.

Last night we went to the Ramsey house, which has no Wikipedia entry, or I would link it. It's the first free-standing structure/dwelling in the state of Tennessee. Pre-Revolutionary War, so it's damned old. They were having a Halloween hoedown trying to capitalize on the handful of ghost stories about the building circulated by drunk grad students working on the archaeological study of the property. (Part of the tour included talking with the resident archaeologist, who was a bearded retired college professor right out of central casting.) It's a nice short tour of a house where you get to hear, just about every three minutes, that the Ramsey's three youngest children died of malaria. The house was built in the middle of a swamp, by the way. So rocket science wasn't required to put the pieces together, fortunately they had about 17 other children, so not a big collateral loss. Frances Ramsey laid out most of the East Tennessee plot lines for land ownership (so I'm guessing the Cherokee indians loved him), and he was one of the co-founders of the University of Tennessee.

The whole trip, however, was hampered by some static between me and two uninvited tag-alongs in the back seat. One of them, in particular who lives on a diet of Xanax and Bloody Marys and got very confrontational with me about an issue I'm fairly passionate about. Being challenged in front of my parents, on my vacation, after not seeing them for almost a year left me no recourse but to threaten to unleash the torrent of verbal destruction I usually reserve for private rants in my head. (I was privy to some very damaging information regarding her personal life, and would never have considered using it under normal circumstances.) She backed down (very wisely, I must say), but that left the truck filled with the kind of awkward silence that most people hate... but as most of you know I get my giggles from. It was a feast of quiet tension that left me feeling almost remorseful for how much I was gobbling it up. It marred the whole trip and left her pouty, sniffling, and wolfing down mood altering medications when we got to the house. It was awesome. Maybe they shouldn't have invited themselves along. Lesson learned.

I thought they'd split for sure after that. But here they are in the other room, enjoying their first tomato beer of the morning. It's about 9a.m., that's not too early for the first of many... if you're an alcoholic. And I'm sitting back here not spending any time with my parents. The reason I made this trip, missing both a Weisenheimers show and my favorite Halloween party. I'm perilously close to heading into the kitchen and offering a "me or them" ultimatum, which wouldn't be fair to my folks, but I don't really have the latitude to just flat out tell these people to leave seeing as how this isn't my house. But I would if I could.

Okay, end rant from the mountain.
To be continued if I can get connected again.
Huzzah.

Stereotypes: Sad but True

"Hey Marv, what do you hate about Tennessee?"

Great question, Weisenblog. Allow me to answer that question with a camera phone photo that I took at the "As Seen On TV" superstore in the Sevierville Mall (next to the K-Mart and the check cashing place):

How's that for classy?

Racism isn't a thing of the past around here. It's still pretty much the status quo.

Git-R-Done? Trust me, I'm done.
So far as I can tell, the only good things in Tennessee appear to be my parents, their dog, the bird and my fond memories of the Sunsphere. Beyond that, total crap.

Until my next hastily dashed off missive from the mountains,
Huzzah.

Discuss: Is Dennis Hastert attractive?

Sure, he's powerful and commanding and he can sure fill out a suit, but is Speaker of the House of Representatives Dennis Hastert attractive. Discuss in comments.

Beware the real red menace!

Know this! Even as you go about your daily life, surfing the internet for fetish sites, a threat to democracy lurks in retail stores and with general contractors...

Cover the Earth

Spread the word of Sherman, through the brissle of brush or the edge of the sword!

Discussion: Do Cows Go To Heaven?

Do cows go to heaven, and if so, why? One would be inclined to believe that all dogs go to heaven, even the ones that eat babies because certain pit bull owners are retarded, but why cattle? Or brine shrimp? Or turtles? Certainly there can't be much of a need for such things once we shuffle off our mortal coil.

Sure, this isn't funny, but it demands discussion.

Carry on in comments.

Eat the Rich!

I just wrote and deleted a scorching 2000 word essay on why rich people hate the working middle class. But then decided it wasn't funny, and really all I wanted to do was run this photo of your average Bently driver (that isn't a rapper). It lacks a tagline, so may I suggest: "Bently. Because Porsches are for common folk." Or, "Bently: The ultimate experience for rappers and elderly pricks." Enjoy, kids. (I'll save my serious political rants for docmarvy.com)

RFID-iculous

Being a boring white person, I'm occasionally inclined to shop at the Gap or one of their affiliated businesses, Old Navy (Fat Gap) and Banana Republic (Monochromatic Thin Expensive Gap). And you probably haven't notices of late that the once-great Gap corporation has instituted the use of RFID tags to help with inventory and theft reduction. You probably haven't noticed, because the denim-clad drone behind the counter neglected to mention it. Now this shouldn't be a problem in most instances, so long as the only business you ever go into wearing these RFID-tagged clothes is the Gap. If you're a functional bipedal human being, however, you may be inclined to enter some other business wearing your new clothes. This is where a problem is posed.

Walking around Kansas City's Country Club Plaza last weekend wearing my new Old Navy Jeans (there was a sale at Fat Gap, so sue me), I set off almost every electronic theft reduction gateway I went through. In a shopping Mecca like the Plaza, that's about every 15 feet. Vexed, flustered and perplexed, it wasn't until setting off the alarm walking into Urban Outfitters that the culprit was determined. The bespectacled emo retail monkey restocking the ironic t-shirts asked if I'd recently purchased any of my outfit from the Gap.

"Yeah. The jeans. Old Navy, actually," I said it a little shamefully. Fat Gap always brings a defeatist tone to my voice. It's like admitting that you'll never be like the 30 inch wasted mannequins in the window at Thin Gap.

"Ah," he muttered, "they've been RFID tag crazy over there. Come on in."

And I did go in, but I didn't like spending the weekend feeling like mutant, setting off alarms everywhere I went. So an open letter to Gap, Inc.: How about you tell people when they check out that there's a huge fucking RFID tag hidden down the leg of their jeans or up the seam of their sweater, since once you finally do find this tag it reads "Remove before washing or wearing." I'm sorry, but I don't tend to inspect new clothing with that level of Sherlock Holmes style scrutiny. Maybe it's a personal flaw, but I'm inclined to believe that most men don't turn their jeans inside out prior to wearing. So how about just a little nod to the tag between the announcement of the total and the offer to open a Gap card account? Or here's a crazy idea, if there isn't a line, maybe go ahead and offer to cut them out on the spot, thus alleviating such hassles. That'd be nice.

Anyhoo... there's a whole bunch of hubub on the net about RFID tags being the mark of the beast and whatnot. You can read about it here or here or here.

That's all for today. I have unconfirmed promises from Matt and Smed that they'll be joining the fun soon. I hope so. Just having me and Mont ranting can get a little trying.

2006: The Year of Colbert

Although it's undeniable that this site is going to be a nod to the comic genius of the four nerds who contribute, from time to time we need to pay heed to those whose stars shine just a skosh brighter than our own. In the case of comedy, one would be hard pressed to deny that 2006 has been the year of Stephen Colbert. Talk about a Second City success story. You can go to his Wikipedia page to read up on the basics, but a tip of the hat (with no wag of the finger) to a guy who got his start in the comedy business working at the Second City gift shop, now ascending to the heights of comic greatness. If you haven't seen Colbert this year, then your eyes have been closed. Homeboy been everywhere. From his scorching White House Press Dinner speech to his nightly Comedy Central show to the release of the at-moments-hysterical Strangers with Candy feature film, Colbert has been homebrewing a fanbase as ardent as Dane Cook's, but a whole hell of a lot smarter. So take a moment with me and let's reflect on the pillar of truthiness that is Mr. Stephen Colbert. May his Tek Jansen adventures strech beyond space and time. So ends the lovefest. Huzzah.

Ayn Rand was full of shit!

Objectivism is great, if you're a rich industrialist asshole. If you're, say, the other 98% of the populace of the U.S. then it really isn't that super. What bugs me about Objectivists (AKA Randroids) is that they subscribe to it like Catholic dogma or Scientologist doctrines. Philosophy as religion? Thank you, no. I should note that I'm not implying that Objectivism holds together as a solid philosophy. It's just pretztel logic wrapped up in a box of flowery words and agonizingly long passages. Oh sure, it's couched in some pretty alluring concepts like reason and personal responsibility, but underneath the veneer lurks some pretty morally ambiguous and downright unnerving ideas.

So why am I ranting about it? Because Matt and Smed still haven't signed on and I'm damned angry. So keep that in mind, Objectivists. The next time I see Ayn Rand on the street, I'm going to kick her square in the balls. Because that's how I fight reason, with chaos.

That is all.

Happy Coming Out Day!

Nine Abraham Lincolns agree: October 11th is the best day to make complete strangers uncomfortable by telling them your darkest sexual secrets. Enjoy!

The Rolling Stone Interview with James Monroe

Journalist Pete Hamill spoke with James Monroe for an interview that was published in Rolling Stone Magazine's June 5th 1975 issue. James speaks of his recent separation and reconciliation with Yoko Ono. Other topics include his own recent albums and working with Phil Spector, Elton John, and Svante Nilsson.

Q: "What's your life like right now?"

James Monroe: Well you know I racked up a lot of debt in my public work, you know serving as governor, secretary of state and President. Then my wife got sick and since no one wants to talk about affordable health care that drained what little moneys I had left. Right now I am just crashing at my daughters place, looking for that next score.

Q: "What did happen with you and Yoko? Who broke it up and how did you end up back together again?"

James Monroe: Listen, the think about Yoko and me is this, she is an artist and I am a Democratic-Republican, that means were are always simultaneously pulled together and torn apart, plus she found some old letters I wrote to one of Jefferson's slaves... but come on, I mean have you seen the that stuff?

Q: "I loved your line: 'The separation didn't work out.'"

James Monroe: Yeah, well I mean we tried to function apart but love conquers all, well love and a strongly worded doctrine.

Q: "There's still a good feeling among the guys?"
James Monroe: Oh sure, John Quincy will send me a note every once and a while but you know now that he's the President he has a lot of things to do, you know, faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States, take out the slop for the pigs after supper. But every now and again I'll get a note that will read, "YOU SUCK." Its a joke we've been playing on each other since his dad was in the white house... when I was the United States Ministers Plenipotentiary to France, I'd call him over and just say, "YOU SUCK." Oh man we have some stories.

Q: "You went to one of George's concerts, what are your thoughts on his tour?"

James Monroe: Listen George William Smith is doing his own thing. When I was governor of Virginia, I had some big shoes to fill, I did my best. Now that George is running that crazy house all I can say is I wish him the best. Wait or were you talking about Washington?

Q: "George said at his press conference that he could play with you again but not with Paul. How do you feel?"

James Monroe: OK I see what your trying to do. Listen, John "Paul" Jones is a crazy Scott; you know he killed a guy in Tongo? Yeah he’ll mention it within five minutes of meeting you, that guy is a fruitcake and a half. Yeah, he flees to his brothers plantation and is all,"Paul is dead, I'm John Jones." Like he's the freaking walrus, or Martian Manhunter.

Q: "What was it about the year? Do you want to try talking about it?"

James Monroe: Well if I didn't want to talk about it I wouldn't be sitting here in this wing-backed chair would I? The last year since moving in with Marisa here in New Your City has been, rough, what with the TB and all. You wake up every morning and cough up blood and your like, "I need my pipe." A couple of bowls of Washington's Own and your ready to take on the day. But you know, I am feeling good, NYC has got some great clubs, leave it to the Dutch right?

Q: "Why do you feel better?"

James Monroe: Look, I just woke up and said, "You know what? I was effing President of the United States, I have a doctrine and Liberia named their capital after me. Yeah I am broke, yeah I am suffering tuberculosis, sure my first lady never invented zingers, but you know what BLOW ME."

Q: "Tell me about the Rock 'n' Roll album."

James Monroe: Well some of the gang and I threw some stuff together on a lark and suddenly we were like, "This is good," so I called Jermaine Dupri and he agreed to produce. Then, we brought in the Wall of Sound.

Q: "What about the stories that Spector's working habits are a little odd? For example, that he either showed off or shot off guns in the studios?"

James Monroe: Serriously, Phil Specter loves the 2nd Amendment but I, and the rest of the Framers of the Constitution, tried to tell him it wasn't about guns it was about the peoples right to defend their homes... you know organize a militia, fend off the Irriquios. Phil is going to get into trouble man, that guy is nuts. If he doesn't kill someone by February 4th 2003, I'll be very surprised. I mean the Teddy Bears were OK, but that guy is a few amendments short of a bill of rights.

Q: "What actually did happen those nights at the Troubadour when you heckled the Smothers Brothers and went walking around with a Kotex on your head asking the waitress, 'Do you know who I am?'"

James Monroe: Ok so let me get this straight, Jefferson can sire like a dozen mulatto kids and the press turns a blind eye, I get ripped on Pinot Nior and stick a feminine hygiene product in my hair and suddenly that's a top story. Well I was sick, I checked in to that Abigail Adams Center right after that incident, 28 days later I was more fit and I apologized to the wench and to Dick, Tommy can kiss my ass though.

Q: "What's your relationship with Nilsson? Some critics say that he's been heavily influenced, maybe even badly screwed up by you."

James Monroe: Svante Nilsson was a Swedish statesman and regent of Sweden under the Kalmar Union. He became a member of the Privy Council of Sweden, but acted with in opposition to his distant kinsman Sten Sture the Elder, going as far as supporting John of Denmark. Unwillingly he then switched sides and supported Sten Sture in overthrowing the king, which at the death of Sten Sture led to himself being elected regent. His resignation was demanded by the Privy Council of Sweden, but in practice he remained in power until his death.

Q: "...and that you've also been influenced by him."

James Monroe: Ok a little, but how can any modern statesman say that he is influence by Nilsson, the guy was pure emotion.

Q: "You mean that he'd gone into his primal period..."

James Monroe: Yeah, you know Washington was like that too, pretending to be an ape or a monkey... sometimes a lady of the evening.

Q: "Elton John has revived 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.' How do you feel about him as an artist?"

James Monroe: Elton sat in with The Framers, ended up playing piano on Article 3; I think he is a terrific showman, a bit flashy for my taste. But when he sang that candle song at Hamilton's wake... wow.

Q: "I read somewhere that you were very moved by the whole thing."

James Monroe: I was, you know, seeing a young guy like that pouring out all that emotion, I was like you know we all need to work together. Really that's when the Era of Good Feelings began.

Q: "There seems to be a lot of generosity among the artists now."

James Monroe: Well just look at what Hank Clay is doing, Maine and Missouri, I mean that's brilliant. I can see any reason why everyone couldn't get along like this all the time. I mean what issue could come up that would drive a wedge between the states now?

Q: "Do you think of New York as home now?"

James Monroe: Well yeah, Maria's letting me just relax, enjoy the city, I go to this head shop in the village and just hang out. You know my mother’s family had a lot of land but not a lot of money, my dad was a carpenter and grew herb... I am just a player trying to stay in the game.

Q: "You went through a period of really heavy involvement in radical causes. Lately you seem to have gone back to your art in a more direct way. What happened?"

James Monroe: Listen, sometimes you lead by holding the flag behind Washington while he crosses the Delaware, sometimes you inspire through your poetry, right now I am just concentrating on my word you know. Besides, I served my two terms, and lost my cash, now its time for this brother to get paid.

Q: "Is it called growing up?"

James Monroe: Its called get paid and get laid, that’s the new Monroe Doctrine.

Q: "Do you think much of yourself as an artist at fifty or sixty?"

James Monroe: I don't see myself slowing down until like 73, then I'll slow really down... to a stop.

Q: "Have you made any kind of flat decision not to ever go on the road again?"

James Monroe: I won't be leaving this city, well unless they move my body 27 years after my death.

Q: "So this last year, in some ways, was a year of deciding whether you wanted to be an artist or a pop star?"

James Monroe: Yeah, its like, I am I going to live my life for me, or am I going to live my life for the people... well you know what I choose me... its not like I am on the twenty, hell they didn't even give me the nickel.

Junk Watch: Toys

Welcome to the one home accouterment that will fit perfectly in your parent's basement and pretty much guarantee you'll never get laid. It's the gaming chair from ROCCAFORTE. Perhaps Monty would dig it, but for anyone who isn't flying an X-wing fighter it's just some very unfortunate furniture.



-Marv

Welcome to the Weisenblog

Finally, a way for all four mildly disconnected comic geniuses that comprise Omaha's legendary comedy troupe The Weisenheimers to connect with you... people with internet connections. Watch this space for big fun happy comedy time explosion.