Writers Strike

Monty here, because of the writer's strike I am taking this opportunity to advertise myself as a scab.

Here's some samples of what I can offer:

Monologue joke writer:

Shia LaBeouf was arrested early Sunday morning for refusing to leave a Chicago Walgreens. He was later released when he transformed into a SOBER celebrity

HEY YO!


Soap Writer:

INT

Heatherton Manor, sitting room

JESSICA

Oh Ross, this whole mess is my fault, I never should have interfere with your wedding.

ROSS

Don't you see Jessica, I wanted you to... Before I regained my memories I thought you were just another Grady, out to get me and my family's fortune... but now, no I know that you are the only one I can trust, Not only as my partner on the force, my
Chief of staff at the clinic but also the as the CEO of my publishing empire

WATCH OUT!


What's that you say, Two and a Half Men needs a writer!

INT
The same room they are always in on this effing
show.

CHARLIE
If I wanted that I'd get married!

SOME GIRL
Oh You!

Need some new shows? How about this... The new A-Team, a bunch of ex Blackwater guys protect various minorities from the actual Blackwater! Or uhm what about a show where a fat lose comedian moves to the big city and sex with a lot of total hot chicks... oh and his wife is totally in to, HBO Call ME! Kids Shows I got them! Why don't we laugh and learn with four crazy cheerleaders!

Anyway... I got more where this came from so hey producers call me!

Megatron interviews at the FedEx/Kinkos near campus.

FedEx/Kinkos: Well Mr. Megatron, I’ve looked over your resume and it looks like you are qualified to join our team here, but since the job entails working seamlessly with your other team members I just have to ask you some questions, ok?

Megatron: No problem, thank you for time and Energon… eh energy.

FedEx/Kinkos: Ok let’s start .What are your long-range goals and objectives?

Megatron: Long term? Well I would love to deplete this pathetic rock of all its raw energy, convert it to Energon and then continue my conquest of the galaxy.

FedEx/Kinkos: What are your short-range goals and objectives?

Megatron: Well I would just like to earn some good money, get some good workplace experience and of course maintain my GPA, I’m on scholarship you know.

FedEx/Kinkos: Yes, I read that. How do you plan to achieve your career goals?

Megatron: By crushing my opponent, weather it be that fool, Prime or that sniveling whelp Starscream! Oh, and by maintaining a focus on the companies overall goals and doing my best to keep those aligned with our customers.

FedEx/Kinkos: What are the most important rewards you expect in your career?

Megatron: POWER, ABSOLUTE POWER… and by that I mean the respect of my supervisors and co-workers.

FedEx/Kinkos: Why did you choose the career for which you are preparing?

Megatron: I’ll be honest at first I majored in Poli-Sci at my father’s behest, but as soon as I started taking the classes I fell in love with the rule of law, the IRON RULE OF ABSOLUTE LAW. But I am also minoring in French.

FedEx/Kinkos: What are your strengths, weaknesses, and interests?

Megatron: I hate this question.

FedEx/Kinkos: EVERYBODY does.

Megatron: That’s why you have to ask it though right? Ok, strengths. Let’s see, I am a leader. I am flexible, I mean, I change all the time, also I have a high-powered energy beam attached to my arm. Weaknesses, I can some times get obsessive, I am passionate and can be ruled by emotions, like my love of Energon and my hatred for Prime… interests, well I love playing B-Ball out in the yard and I currently am treasurer of the Art-Appreciation Society.

FedEx/Kinkos: How do you think a friend or professor who knows you well would describe you?

Megatron: Driven.

FedEx/Kinkos: Ok, I can see that. Uhm, describe a situation in which you had to work with a difficult person (another student, co-worker, customer, supervisor, etc.). How did you handle the situation? Is there anything you would have done differently in hindsight?

Megatron: Once, this is a few semesters ago, I teamed with Cobra Comander. It was awful, it was like you know looking at a crack mirror, all my faults but with none of my abilities… After seeking advice from my father, I ended up making sure each of us had clearly defined roles and that we were on the same page goal wise. If I could do it all over again, I guess I would maybe not been such a control freak, let him have a little more room to grow… oh and I wouldn’t have tried to double-cross him so early.

FedEx/Kinkos: How do you determine or evaluate success?

Megatron: George Sheehan once said, “Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be.” I totally believe that at the end of the day you have to ask yourself, was I the best hand-gun and or maniacal killer robot I could be? If the answer is yes, than yeah, I call it a success.

FedEx/Kinkos: In what ways do you think you can make a contribution to our organization?

Megatron: Well let me ask you, do have a 40 foot tall mass of death and destruction behind the customer counter? Well with me you have an ultra advanced killing machine, which also speaks Spanish.


FedEx/Kinkos: Describe a contribution you have made to a project on which you worked.



Megatron: Well a few years ago, by that I mean 4 million years ago, the Autobots fled our home world of cybertron in their ship, the Ark. My task force was assigned to stop them. I not only lead the brainstorming sessions, I also used my laser cannon to blow a hole in the hull of the Ark to allow a boarding party to enter an kill as many of the Autobot scum as we could lay of cyberfingers on.


FedEx/Kinkos: What qualities should a successful manager possess?

Megatron: Confidence. Good listening skills. Laser cannon.

FedEx/Kinkos: Was there an occasion when you disagreed with a supervisor's decision or company policy? Describe how you handled the situation.

Megatron: Well the last leader of the Descepticons was a guy named Stanley, Middlebaum. He was all about peace talks, said that our war with the Autobots was bleeding cybertron dry of energon. I voiced my disagreement in a private meeting, transformed, shot him in the head, and then presented a united front to the rest of the Decepticons.

FedEx/Kinkos: What two or three accomplishments have given you the most satisfaction? Why?

Megeatron: Well with the help of Hot Rod I did manage to kill Prime… oh, I also won the Akron Corporate Cup, 10k.

FedEx/Kinkos: Describe your most rewarding college experience.

Megatron: Well academically it has been getting in to Wharton for my MBA, socially it was getting elected Pledge chair, TKE! TKE! TKE!

FedEx/Kinkos: What interests you about our product or service?

Megatron: You guys have a world class reputation for customer service, plus, I like planes.

FedEx/Kinkos: In what kind of work environment are you most comfortable?

Megatron: I work best in small groups; you know only three or four characters, so the plot doesn’t get bogged down by the 70 or so toys that are out there.


FedEx/Kinkos: How do you work under pressure?

Megatron: I am not going to try to fool you. When I stressed, there is a better than average chance I am going to shoot Starscream in the face.


FedEx/Kinkos: Will you relocate? Does relocation bother you?

Megatron: After coming from a distant Galaxy, moving to Augusta isn’t all that, as long as it’s near a power plant of some kind.

FedEx/Kinkos: Are you willing to travel?

Megatron: Sure I love to fly.

FedEx/Kinkos: Are you willing to spend at least six months as a trainee?

Megatron: FOOL, have you no idea who I am?

Lincoln County Fair

The Weisen's (sans Monty) bringing love to the 4-H Barn

A great big Weisen-thanks to all the nice folks in Tyler, MN and surrounding communities for kicking off the Lincoln County Fair with us last Friday. As a community on the whole, your suggestions were superb and your midwestern wit was a delight. And a big Weisen-special thanks to the guy from the Rock for bringing the fans and the soundsystem.

It was our distinct pleasure to bring the comedy and the rain you so desperately needed. Don't mention it. That's just how we roll. Sorry you built the big stage in front of the grandstand that we couldn't use because of the rain. But we tore it up in that barn nonetheless.

The unused stage at the end of the Grandstands. Unsafe in a downpour.

We love you, Minnesotans. (So keep hiring us for stuff and we'll keep coming back and bringing the love.)

Matt and Theresa making a beeline for the corndogs & funnel cakes

Here's a big ups to our homies in Lincoln County! What-what!

(hearts) the Weisen's

Michael Cera and other dude on the Web

Young comic geniuses Michael Cera (best known as George Michael Bluth from Arrested Development) and Clark Duke (mostly known as Fratboy #1 from an episode of CSI) have 10 rad webisodes of their show Clark and Michael up here. Do check it out. It's hard to describe, but it's got the wry sophistication of Curb Your Enthusiasm and the authenticity of your standard reality show. It follows two ne'er-do-wells as they try to pitch a sitcom in the third most evil family vacation destination on earth, Hollywood. It truly is brill.

Clark, Michael, Shenanigans

I hate how young and talented these boys are, yet am compelled to watch their shenanigans.

Also: Spoiler Bonus! Keep an eye out for Eric Warheim from Tim & Eric's Awesome Show Great Job! in episode 10.

That is all.

A Fun Sexy Time: Three-ways are illegal?

Here's a chunk of this article from Military.com:

SPANGDAHLEM AIR BASE, Germany — A Spangdahlem-based airman was sentenced Monday to four months confinement for her part in a sexual act with two other airmen.
Airman 1st Class Ashley N. Rains pleaded guilty at a court-martial to two indecent acts charges.

She had faced rape and sodomy charges but admitted to the lesser charges as part of a plea deal.

It basically goes on to say that the lawyers argued that everyone involved was tanked (isn't that how most threegys happen in the first place?) and a lot of messing around took place.

I'm no military expert, but I'm confused a couple different ways on this: 1) This happened in Germany, where there is tacit understanding of BDSM poop sex being pretty yawny and typical. So if this happened off base, I find it hard to believe that Germany had a problem with it.

My #2 problem with this (no pun intended) is the article doesn't touch on how this went public. Were they having this 3-way on a runway or something? Is this the kind of thing you have to report to a superior? "Sir, yes sir, I was engaged in hot 3-way action and maintained the 'lucky Pierre' position for the duration, sir!" Are you not allowed "private time" (again, no pun intended) in the military? This is craziness. If a bunch of young, impressionable kids want to have a fun sexy time I say why not? If we don't let them, don't the terrorists win?

Holy Shit: My Favorite Falwell Quote

"The Bible is the inerrant ... word of the living God. It is absolutely infallible,without error in all matters pertaining to faith and practice, as well as in areas such as geography, science, history, etc."

-- Jerry Falwell, Finding Inner Peace and Strength

Sure. Who would know better than you? Biblical historians? Feh.

Thanks for everything, Jerry. For the Moral Majority, The Teletubby thing, The blaming the gays for Hurricane Katrina, The blaming the ACLU for 9/11, and for every other little thing. So long, douchebag.

Now that you're gone someone needs to take your place. I heard Ted Haggard is looking for a gig.

(Here's a list of other Falwell quotes. Thanks to Positive Atheism!)

Bashin' on the MySpace!

Rupert: In some circles may be considered "rough trade"

If you believe the blogger buzz floating around today, it would appear as though Aussie walking fossil and media whore enabler Rupert Murdoch has removed "gay" from the orientation listing on the News Corp. owned MySpace.

The story (excerpted) from Raw Story:

The popular social networking site MySpace appears to have eliminated the ability of users to list their sexual orientation as 'Gay' within their profiles.

The screen shot below shows that the function that allows MySpace users to edit their personal profiles has eliminated 'Gay' as an option under the 'Background and Lifestyles' section. Curiously, users can still list themselves as 'Lesbian' or 'Bi.'

Who what on the who now? So muff-munching is kosher, and apparently it's okay to suck the occasional ding-dong so long as you don't turn pro? Cue my confusion-face.

Frankly I think this was some overzealous database tomfoolery (or in MySpace's case "Tom"-foolery). Likely the data monkeys were working on the MySpace DB and neglected to turn the gayness back on or something after a routine scrubbing. Whatever. Big deal. Even a tin foil hat wearing conspiracy theorist like myself finds this a little goofy. Why eschew gay but leave in "bi," which as every regular viewer of the long lost Rikki Lake show knows means "Bi the way, I'm gay!" To be generous, "bi" is just shorthand for Junior Varsity Gay.

Relax kids, there's always facebook, and friendster, and the innumerable clones that are being built currently by Rolling Stone, Spin, Amazon, Clearchannel, and every other corporate stooge standing in the wings trying to sell you sneakers and Doritos.

To save our lives you've got to envision the Fiery Crash

Omaha. Sokol Underground. 4.23.07
Indio. Coachella Music and Arts Festival. 4.27.07

Andrew Bird

turnstiles on mezzanine
jet ways and Dramamine fiends
and x-ray machines
you were hurling through space
g-forces twisting your face
breeding superstition
a fatal premonition
you know you got to envision
the fiery crash

oh, close your eyes and you wake up
face stuck to a vinyl settee
oh, the line was starting to break up
just as you were starting to say
something apropos, i don't know.

beige tiles and magazines
lou dobbs and the cnn team
on every monitor screen
you were caught in the crossfire
where every human face has you
reaching for your mace so it's
kind of an imposition
a fatal premonition

to save our lives you've got to envision
to save all our lives you've got to envision
and to save all our lives you've got to envision
the fiery crash
it's just a formality
why must i explain?
just a nod to mortality
before you get on

before you get on a plane.

oh, close your eyes and you wake up
face stuck to a vinyl settee
oh, the line was starting to break up
what was that you were going to say?

The Blind Leading the Stupid

Is the enemy of my enemy by definition my friend?

Not really.

But in the interest of equal time I would like to point out that attention whore, townhall.com columnist and media weasel Mike Gallagher (no relation to the fruit-smashing variety of Gallaghers) will once again "selflessly"* be offering 3 hours of his airtime to the Westboro Baptist Church in exchange for them relenting picketing the funerals of the kids murdered at Virginia Tech. This will be the second time he's given over his show to the WBC. The first time was to prevent them picketing the funerals of the Pennsylvania Amish that were slain a few years ago.

I don't quite understand how negotiating with the WBC jives with Mike and his ilk's neo-con stances on not negotiating with other terrorists. But apparently when the deed serves your needs, the line blurs somewhat.

Hatemongering coot, or senile douchebag? Probably both.

Don't misunderstand, the WBC shouldn't picket funerals, period. It's tasteless, it dishonors the memory of the deceased, and it really doesn't help the WBC, since it muddies their message (which is almost exclusively gay-hatred). But giving them access to the airwaves seems to make less sense than maybe just making the funerals private, thus making their presence prosecutable.

I don't agree with Mike or any of his townhall.com hatemongering media whore pals (Bill Bennett, Hugh Hewitt, Michael Medved, etc.) on 99.9% of the topics they cover. However, I think anyone with a functioning heart and a mind can agree that it may be better for the Westboro Baptist Church to be anywhere else, even spreading their hate on Mike's not often listened to airwaves, rather than picketing at the funerals of those poor individuals in Virginia.

*By "selflessly" I mean making a big stink about it and exploiting people's hatred of the WBC to fill three hours of airtime and incite his listener base. He gets to play both sides, the hero and the villain.

Off Roadin': Marv Style

If you are a stalker of mine, and I have many, then you know that I recently turned in my leased Volkswagen New Beetle Convertible. The third and final VW I will have anything to do with. I could, can, and have gone on and on about the woes of ownership (lessorship in the final one's case) of a VW from Olsen VW of Omaha. Crappy car, crappy service, crappy experience on the whole for me. Whatevs.

So I'm out of that frying pan and into the fire of Jeep ownership.

I've recently found out that in the world of 4WD the penis-measuring rivalries are even more irrational than the insane lameness that was driving around the bulbous vagina that was my VeeDub.

I am glad I went with the Jeep rather than some of the more absurd competition.

Take a gander:


If you happen to be a Hummer driver and you read this blog...

um, fuckin' stop it.

Thanks.

A Coke and a... smile?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Mrs. Doubtfire held for questioning

It was a run-by fruiting

Hate crimes are not funny. That said, check out this story from KTVU.com:

Pacifica Woman Charged For Assaulting Gay Couple With Produce

POSTED: 10:50 pm PDT April 15, 2007
UPDATED: 10:59 pm PDT April 15, 2007
SOUTH SAN FRANCISCO -- A woman accused of targeting a gay couple with a selection of produce in Pacifica in March was arraigned Friday in a South San Francisco courtroom, the San Mateo County district attorney's office reported.
Tiffany Adler, 20, is accused of heaving an assortment of apples and asparagus at the couple from the interior of a van driving past them as they walked down a city street, according to the district attorney's office.
Adler also allegedly yelled a slur at the victims, the district attorney's office reported.
Both victims were struck by the fruits and vegetables, and police investigating the incident reportedly discovered a piece of asparagus in Adler's purse, according to the district attorney's office.
On Friday, Adler pleaded not guilty to misdemeanor hate crime and battery charges.
A jury trial is scheduled to begin July 2. Adler remains out of custody on her own recognizance, the district attorney's office reported.
Copyright 2007 by KTVU.com and Bay City News

As hate crimes go, this borders on the insane. Although antiquated, the practice of throwing rotten fruit at sub-standard performances isn't unheard of (although I was never clear why overripe tomatoes were so readily available at vaudville-era theaters), the act of throwing fresh produce at people whose lifestyles you disagree with is very nearly performance art.

The tagline about her having an asparagus spear in her purse seals the deal.

Also, an apple chucked at you can do some damage, but asparagus flung from a moving car? Is that really all that dangerous? Did any of it even connect? And perhaps most importantly, WTF?

I do hope the gentlemen involved in the incident were unharmed, or at least no more psychologically damaged than anyone attending the first three rows of a Gallagher concert.

Your restaurant has gone too far

This is a photo from W'Duck restaurant in Motosinhos (which is apparently in Portugal. Don't feel bad, I didn't know where it was either). Notice anything "odd" or "eccentric" about the seating?

That's right, they're toilets!

And instead of napkins you use toilet paper.

No shi.... uh, no kidding.

Do the toilets work? I don't know, but I hope not. Otherwise it's eerily similar to the Mr. Show episode "Rudy will await your foundation."

It's all a little too meta. And it's gone too far for my liking.

RIP Kurt Vonnegut

RIP 1922-2007

I just found out that Kurt Vonnegut passed away last night at the age of 84.

He was one of my favorite authors, and ironically I was talking shit about him yesterday; Specifically in reference to how his later work talked about how old he was, death and dying.

He was stoic, funny, and ultimately a humanist.

And if ever the bummer tag applied, it's today.

In memoriam, at my next opportunity I'll try to take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.

Should MSNBC give the boot to Imus?

In a word yes, but not for the racist, hateful, shitty things he said about the Rutgers Women's basketball team. He should be cut loose for the following reasons:

1) He's retirement age anyway. What is he, like 235 years old? The guy is a cross between an Anne Rice and a Louis L'Amour novel. Seriously.

2) Attention whores only truly disappear when you deprive them of attention. Don't waste your time hating Imus, Coulter, Sharpton, Hannity, Limbaugh, etc. etc. They feed off of your anger. They love attention whoring, and Al Sharpton doubled our pleasure by going toe to toe with the "I-man" on this latest kerfuffle. Whee! Twice the absurdness. They are one of the few problems in the world that actually go away when ignored. I suggest we do just that.

Honestly, I don't think anyone would've known what Imus had said if such a stink hadn't been raised. You know why? Because nobody under the century mark listens to Imus, save for a couple brain-dead rednecks. Sure, he's allegedly the third most listened to morning show in the continental U.S. But what does that mean in 2007? Not a whole hell of a lot, thanks to iPods, XM, Sirius, Morning Edition, and the like. In a market that splintered, all third place means is "second place loser."

3) The cryptkeeper has put on a few pounds, no?

Before

After

See the difference? Me either.

and finally...
4) Because when I turn off my TV at night watching Olbermann (AKA the single best talking head show on cable), I don't want to have to catch my news in the morning watching this baritone skeleton wearing a leather bag and a hat and his mustachioed sidekick "talking" about the "news," thank you very much.

It's like I go to bed in a world that's seemingly sane and then wake up in some alternate universe where in lieu of learning about world events that transpired in my sleep, I have to find out what's up with Mary Chapin Carpenter and then listen to a couple fossils ruminate while completely uninformed ad infinitum.

So MSNBC, if you would be so kind, lower Imus back into his crypt and seal it off this time. And here's an idea, put something on in the morning that doesn't suck.

Thanks a bunch!

Hugs,
M

UPDATE: Kevin Hench at Fox Sports agrees with me. And how often will you ever find anyone at Fox who agrees with me? It's rare. Mark your calendars.

UPDATE 2: I won! Hooray! MSNBC drops Imus’ show

Holy Shit: Peanut Butter and Bananas

Disclaimer: Believe what you want. I'm not here to poop on anyones belief system. If you're Christian, Buddhist, Scientologist, Raelian, Hari Krishna, Wiccan or a Moonie, or what the hell ever... I don't care. But I do have a problem with using crappy arguments to back up mostly-unprovable theories. So don't get all huffy just because I'm about to show why strict Christian creationists are bonkers, or at the very least they're use some very dodgy logic.

First, Peanut Butter:



That's right. Since life has never sprung forth from a jar of peanut butter, then God created the heavens and earth in 6 days. Wha-wha-whaaaat?

And now for Bananas:



That's right. God doesn't want us to eat things that are difficult to open and not made for our hands. So I guess that puts the screws to this year's clambake.

Also, someone was adroit enough to point out that the "tab" on a banana isn't on the top, it's on the bottom. Bananas grow upward. Also, bananas, as we currently enjoy them, were engineered by humans to make them more pleasingly edible. Apparently the big G wasn't concerned about the seeds. But most "natural" foods as we have them now have been at least manipulated on the genetic level a little bit to make them pest resistant, extend shelf life and heartiness for travel, and generally more edible. Aren't we defying "His" will just by making our crops more resistant to locusts, considering that one of "His" favorite old school plagues?

I'm just asking.

Now I think I'm going to go have a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

(As an aside: It's going to make the Growing Pains reunion that much more awkward with Kirk Cameron hanging with strict Australian creationists and Boner being a member of Anton LaVey's Church of Satan.)

Special thanks to Mike the Mad Biologist over at Science Blogs.

Fashion Don'ts 2: More Badness

Not in that shirt it isn't, girlfriend:

I'm sure that it's true, particularly if she got you the shirt:

Stop laughing, you insensitive bastard.

Thanks to ilovebacon.com for the images.

You wouldn't like him when he's angry... or otherwise.

Okay, okay... I promised that I was going to try and stray from politics and Mac vs. PC coverage and stick to comedy for a while here on the blog. But this one is too good to ignore. And besides, nobody reads this thing anyway. So who cares?

You may have already heard a little something about Bob Garfield (from Ad Age magazine and co-host of NPR's On the media) interviewing Microsoft Chairman and richest man in the universe Bill Gates. The interview was more or less solid until Bob started challenging Bill on his concept for the ramifications of internet-delivered network programming on local affiliates. In fairness to both parties, it's a difficult model to follow since there's no precedent. But once you could tell Bill was tiring of Bob not understanding the Microsoft-level convolution of how local affiliates will stay on the air when people can get all their first run TV directly on their PCs the mood in the room was turning. It was at this point that Bob gave Bill a Steve Jobs-ian "one more thing" in the form of a question regarding what Bill thought of being represented by John Hodgman in the mac ads...

And the temperature dropped about 50 degrees in the room. Bill got audibly testy and although you can't hear someone giving someone else the finger, you can practically feel it in the audio. Needless to say, Bill has no comment on the mac ads. He will not be made a fool of. Except, um... well... a little late for that.

iTunes users can click here and download the podcast excerpt of Gates losing his cool. (Just download "Bob Garfield vs. Bill Gates," it's free!)

Too bad the interview had to end so abruptly. A good follow up to that smackdown would have been "So how's the conversion to Vista going? Are people caught up in all the 'wow!'?"

(The answer would probably be a resounding yes, despite all evidence to the contrary.)

But lest you think I'm being unfair, I will note that were the roles reversed and Swami Steve was getting served I have no doubt that he'd get a whole hell of a lot angrier. Jobs is a feisty mofo, historically. But I think that may be why he's such a helluva guy. He certainly has a cooler OS.

But I digress... back to the comedy.

And THIS is Jennifer Smedley!

In case you didn't know, our sweet Smed out in L.A. rocking shows and soaking up a ton of Improv experience at Second City and Groundlings. We love her because she rocks so much.

She shot a pilot for a sitcom called the Fan Club, and the trailer is online. You'll probably recognize a few of the faces in there. Among the other actors is Groundlings legend and Reno 911 regular Mindy Sterling.



Very cute, no?

Smed is spot on as Becca. Wish there was more of her in it, but still delightful to see the fairest of the Weisen's rocking balls on the coast.

Smed, we [heart] you!

Fashion Don'ts

There is nothing, not ONE thing acceptable about this picture.

Likewise here.

This is simply unacceptable, people.

No socks with sandals. And no socks and sandals with kilts and polos or with satellite-dish cats and lattice work.

It simply will not be tolerated on my watch.

Unclear of the Concept

But wait, I thought that Fox News was comedy 24 hours a day. How will people be able to distinguish?



Your eyes do not deceive you. That's Rush & Coulter doing their hilarious shtick of... um, being themselves?

Cindy Sheehan shooting spree? Hilarious. Hey, didn't her son get killed in Iraq, leading her to go on a one-woman mission of protesting an unjust war? Oh yeah... that was her.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE making jokes at the expense of the bereaved. I'll be the first to say that there's nothing funnier than a mother losing her kid. Except maybe AIDS or baby cancer.

I received the link to that video in an email and all I can do is echo the text in the subject line: "holyfuckingshit"

Good to see that Coulter can deliver a punchline with the same je ne sais quoi as she does calling John Edwards a "faggot" or 9/11 wives "grief-arazzis."

Seriously though, the execution on this is very SNL 80. And didn't Rush already prove that he was poison to TV?

My head would be exploding if I thought anyone other than the mouth-breathing NASCAR Smash-em-up trailer-tards that think the GOP give a shit about them will be watching this by default. Personally, I'll keep getting my comedy from funny people.

Holy Shit: God Tube

You read it right, now you have something to watch while you're munching down on your Bible Bars. It's GodTube, a religious YouTube.

Please do not misunderstand, I AM NOT ridiculing anyones faith. Believe all you want in whatever you want as much as you want. So long as you're not bugging me I don't give a squeeze. (Which is far more benevolent than "Christians" are about things like... oh, I don't know, gay marriage. But whatevs.)

I do, however, reserve the right to ridicule thinking that flies in the face of science, fact and logic. And that brings us to Chatting with Charley:

&autostart



Seriously, did I miss the NASA scientists being "distressed" when they found out that Saturn's rings were braided and banded? I must've missed the press release. Nonetheless, it's a wee bit irksome when creationists try to throw science back in the face of evolution to try and prove it wrong. As though miscalculations in astrophysics and geologic hypotheticals not matching up means that there was a literal global flood.

It's a fascinating tack to take, as though if you speak slowly and deliberately and pepper your statements with scientific jargon, somehow your massive leaps in logic will somehow connect. An actual scientist (as in one that isn't working for a particular agenda) can rip these theories a new a-hole. But it's more disturbing to think about the people who watch this without a critical eye and give Charley the last word on the matter.

Scary stuff.

The "C" Word (I mean Coulter. Geez, lighten up)

Well, if it's not inappropriate for Ann Coulter to call John Edwards a "faggot" then I guess it's not at all inappropriate for me to call her a cunt. But I'm better than her, so I won't. Instead I'll just encourage her to continue attaching herself to the GOP. Because her patented hate speech couched in the "I'm a tall leggy blonde that makes snide comments, so I'm above reproach" bullshit will drown the neo-con movement faster than a boat made of swiss cheese.



Don't feel bad, if you read this Ann, you're still more manly than me.

But then again, you're manlier than most.

UPDATE:

GOP response to Ann's words of love have been predictably slow (as they measure the level of scandal), and tepid at best in response with everyone playing the

From Towleroad:

Mitt Romney's spokesman Kevin Madden said, "It was an offensive remark. Governor Romney believes all people should be treated with dignity and respect. Political discourse ought to be more substantive and thoughtful."

John McCain called the comments "wildly inappropriate" through his spokesman Brian Jones.

And Rudy Giuliani echoed his fellow candidates: "The comments were completely inappropriate and there should be no place for such name-calling in political debate."

Republican candidates Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee, Tom Tancredo and Vice President Dick Cheney, who also attended the CPAC conference where Coulter made her remarks, have not yet, to my knowledge, crafted public responses.

Ann responded with her usual snide nastiness, saying "I'm so ashamed, I can't stop laughing." This just furthers my theory that she feeds on hate the way vampires feed on blood. The difference being that I'd rather be trapped in an elevator with a vampire.

And how about the middle of the road response from Mitt Romney? And this guy is the GOP front runner as of now? Good one. Keep backing him. He's a gem.

Insanity.

AdWatch: Genius ad from Absolut

An Absolut ad (from the E.U.) for their new "Cut" beverage.

It serves as yet another example of how European ad agencies push the envelope while U.S. agencies for some reason think we want to see Jared Fogle being intimidated by John Cena. Go fig.



Hi-freaking-larious.

Jesus H. Christ, Boston, get over yourselves!

Authorities in Boston have detonated a suspicious "device" that was chained to a stop sign.

The "device" appears to be a traffic counter, placed there by... most likely... the city works department.

I'm curious, will the Mayor of Boston turn into a giant pussy and demand financial restitution from the Boston City Works department for placing a "hoax device" on a street corner in the financial district? For all the lost man hours and the bomb squad?

Or will this just be swept under the rug by a city's administration that sleeps with a gun under the pillow and has an itchy trigger finger?

Just wondering, as are Ignignokt and Err.

[Full Story]

You can't kill the Rooster

A mugging in Brazil gone wrong.

Shots fired.

A MacBook Pro gets between the bullet and the intended victim.

The MBP takes the bullet, stops it... and still boots up.

Think your Dell, HP or Vaio could save your life?

Suck it, Panasonic Toughbook.

Complete Story Here.

For those of you with offspring

Because I've not spread my seed, I'm regularly left out of the conversation when the other two Weisenheimers males discuss their children. The Wiggles, Bob the Builder, Thomas the Tank Engine and the Veggie Tales; sure I've watched some Lazy Town episodes for my own personal reasons, but by and large I'm in the dark.

As usual, Robert Smigel (the genius behind TV Funhouse and Triumph the insult comic dog) hit the nail on the head, at least so far as I can reckon, on the Veggie Tales.

Enjoy.

TV Funhouse - Religetables
Uploaded by PigLips

The shows went very well, thank you.

Hey Weisen-buddies,

Sorry about the long sleep between postings. We've all been busy with work, projects, fun, touching ourselves and of course last weekend's run of shows at the Icehouse. Thanks to everyone who came out and braved the horrible weather to watch us do our thang. Three sold out shows (out of five) and the most reserved seats for a comedy show at the Icehouse. That factoid is courtesy of the door guy and alternately our Thursday night opener. We've heard different quantifiers like "this year" or "ever" so you be the judge. Regardless, it was a helluva turnout and everybody seemed to have a good time except for the inevitable table of douchebags who show up drunk, are mean to the wait staff, yell out stupid things at the wrong times and are asked to leave. We average about one table like that per week-long club run that we do. They got off light with merely being asked to leave, seeing as how Monty likes to shred drunk hecklers and eat their souls.

Anyway, if you missed the show we had Friday nights' early performance professionally taped and I'll be posting clips on youtube in short order. Also Home Office Brontosaurus Photography took pictures at all the Friday and Saturday night shows and will be cleaning those up and we should have some tasty new pics of us in action before too long. These things take time people.

I did run a stationary camera off stage for a portion of Saturday night's early show and have put those clips up on youtube. You can check them out on my channel here. The audio is a little muddy, but you get the idea.

Also, if you have not yet made us your myspace friend then stop foolin and head over to our myspace page and do so immediately. Times a-wastin'!

I'll be resuming regular comedy-related posts to the Weisen-blog this coming week, so take heart. I'm sure Monty might post something once in a great while as well. The other two? Not so much. But whatever, they're lovable nonetheless.

Love to you all, kids!

Junk Watch: Vista Launch pt.2

As you see below, I made a little mention of the indifference Vista is receiving to the scorching popularity of the Zune.

Well, today things got a little uglier in Redmond. One of the Executives that launched the Zune project is "leaving" Microsoft.

From Seattlepi.com:

The Microsoft Corp. executive who oversaw the launch of the Zune music player, its challenger to Apple's dominant iPod, plans to leave the company.

Microsoft described the expected departure of Bryan Lee, 43, as a personal decision not related to the performance of the product. Before the Nov. 14 launch, the company acknowledged that it faced an uphill climb against the iPod, and it reiterated Wednesday that Zune has so far met its expectations.

Some analysts were skeptical of Microsoft's explanation. Lee was one of the two top executives leading the Zune project.

"This is clearly a sign of trouble in Zune-land," said Van Baker, industry analyst at Gartner Inc., citing sales results for the Zune device. "It had an acceptable launch week, but then it immediately slowed down."

How does this bode for the little brown Zunes that float like so much Microsoft debris in the toilet of technology? Not so well, one would imagine. Particularly in light of the iPhone, the inevitable widescreen iPod, and all of Uncle Steve's other little secrets he's got stashed up his be-turtlenecked sleeves.

Microsoft's official word is that the guy is "retiring."

He's 43 years old.

I totally buy it. Don't you?

2007 is going to be an interesting year in portable electronics.

Junk Watch: Vista Launch

Which is worse: The Steve Jobs "Reality Distortion Field" or the Bill Gates "Denial Bubble"?

Making every possible media round Gates made a stop on American Morning, where his handlers apparently didn't tell him that Miles is a closet Mac addict. Hostile territory for someone pushing his "groundbreaking Aero interface" which bites so hard on Apple's style you can hear the crunch.

Case in point:



Oh yeah, because editing HD video and burning DVDs have never been integrated into an operating system before.

I haven't seen this much general indifference since the... well, the Zune.

Refer a Friend to Funny

In celebration of the completion of the Weisenheimers first decade of dominance we've got a little contest for you, simply get as many of your friends to be our friends as possible.

But HOW?

Simple, post a bulletin in your myspace with this banner in it:



that's <a> <img src="http://www.docmarvy.com/bannerfeb.gif"> </a> in html.

Tell your friends to go to http://wwww.myspace.com/weisenheimers and add us as a friend, but make sure they message us letting us know who referred them!

All of our friends will receive a special coupon to a mySpace night at the Icehouse, and the friend who refers the most new friends will win a fabulous prize!

Junk Watch: More Computer Toys

Finally, somebody recognizes that to truly enjoy internet porn, you NEED to have a computer desk designed for "supine usage."

And yes, I know that this is more geared to the bed-ridden and those with special needs. But it'll be a boon to the internet porn industry as well. Just think, no need to leave the bed except to empty out the bucket of your filth. Fantastic!

Will wonders never cease?

For proper enjoyment of this actual product, visit their page here.

But they're the national bird...

Sitting with Monty last Saturday night at Grumpy's Bar & Grill (the official B&G of the Beatrice, NE country club), as we waited patiently to offer the fine folk at Lottman Construction Company's holiday party the rare, but occasional 2-man Weisenheimers show, I happened to glance over at the TVs. Coming back from a commercial break where I was commenting about how the NFL "robot that does warm ups" next to the stats window on screen creeps me out, the camera panned the crowd, lingering on one woman with a lovely t-shirt:




At the moment I thought perhaps my eyes deceived me, but alas they had not. I mentioned it to Mont, who said that if it were true I could find it on youtube. (The link shows how correct he was.) But I thought at the time that with all the FCC regulation about "dirty" words in primetime, was this somehow exempt? Isn't the printed word just as offensive to uptight "call the FCC"-types as the spoken word? Apparently that answer is a resounding yes.

Hilarious.

I'm glad I know that I should be offended.

Bukakke? More like Bu-cookie!

Do I have a serious mental problem, or is this the same conclusion anyone would draw from looking at these gingerbread men?

Yesterday was food day at the office and there's a mammoth tub of gingerbread fellas that remain. Whilst snacking on one I noticed that the frosting got out of hand. Rather than just a quick glaze-frost to accentuate the features of Mr. G. Bread, it looked more like he was the "pig-bottom" in a specialty video the likes of which one could find on many fetish sites.

Wouldn't anyone arrive at the same idea? Or is it just me?

And it's called the Nick's Hex

How successful can you become writing faux white-reggae hits for bong-packing snowboarders? Judge for yourself:

From The Wall Street Journal Online

Nick Hexum, the lead singer for the band 311, is asking $10 million for a private island in the Florida Keys that he bought for $2.8 million three years ago.

The roughly six-acre island lies a half mile off Summerland Key, about midway between Marathon and Key West. A 3,500-square-foot house features three en-suite bedrooms, a third-floor great room with a 300-gallon aquarium, and a crow's nest balcony on the roof where Mr. Hexum says he likes to play guitar. The island also has a pool, barbecue deck, cement pier and its own propane-powered generator. Previous owner Cris Lesick says the lights stayed on even during Hurricane George in 1998, when most of the area lost power.

Ms. Lesick and her family bought the island in 1978 and built the house in 1995; they rented it out until Mr. Hexum bought it in 2003 (the Lesicks now serve as caretakers). Mr. Hexum, whose rock/alternative/reggae band 311 had two platinum-selling albums in the 1990s, renamed the island Melody Key from Money Key, and says he spent several million dollars renovating it, only to have to redo much of the work after the home and island were damaged during last year's hurricanes.

Mr. Hexum says he doesn't want to sell the island, where he has written several songs, but has too high a percentage of his assets tied up in the property, which he says is "mortgaged to the hilt." Nonetheless, Mr. Hexum, whose primary residence is in Los Angeles, says he won't accept an offer under $10 million. "Do not waste my time with $9,999,999," he says.

Apparently nobody told Nick that the bubble burst on the private-island real estate market. And does "planting premium ganja" count as "millions of dollars of improvements"? Methinks not.

Worse yet it would appear that Nick hasn't seen the M.C. Hammer episode of Behind the Music. Is it wise to super-mortgage personal real estate investments when one has yet to crack the Top 40? I think this would be proof that it would not.

And how come there's no discussion of the Des Moines crackhouse that S.A. Martinez is trying to unload? Kidding, of course. The crackhouse is in L.A.

This post is more funny "hmmmm" rather than funny "ha ha". But you already knew that.

Idiocracy: What happened?!?

Mike Judge's second live-action feature film came out on DVD this last Tuesday. Idiocracy with Luke Wilson, Dax Shepard and Maya Rudolph. What's that you say? You hadn't even heard about it? Perhaps that's because after shelving it for a year, 20th Century Fox buried it with a release on a handful of screens and no promotion. They purposefully put it out to pasture. So certainly you must be thinking that the movie must be pretty crappy for Fox to so unceremoniously dump it, right? Well, I picked up my copy today and watched it end to end and I can tell you that the movie isn't bad. Is it fall-down hilarious? No, it isn't that either. Instead it's the kind of satire that starts with you laughing and ends with you feeling sick to your stomach.

You see, about two thirds the way into the movie it becomes evident, at least superficially, why Fox buried this film. Nearly an hour in we're treated to a vision of what Fox News will look like in about 498 years: all exploding graphics and inarticulate pituitary retards reporting a narrow, slanted and jingoistic version of the news. (I know, I know, how can you tell it's any different from right now?) The anchors are replaced by a shirtless bodybuilder and a gargantuan-breasted vixen throwing it to a live reporter who says things like "and they knew he was all guilty and shit." On the surface it would appear that maligning Fox News while your film is being released by 20th Century Fox, both part of the same company, might not be such a good idea. It is possible that Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox, News Corp. and Sean Hannity's balls, may have had a problem with Mike Judge portraying his beloved news network in such a way. But I think that's an oversimplification.

Idiocracy has some very funny parts, and it is listed as a comedy, or at least as a satire. But what I found was that it's actually a horror film. It's the extrapolated worst case scenario consequences of a disposable culture. Picture the current film Children of Men re-imagined as a comedy and you'd pretty much have it. Rather than the meek inheriting the earth, it's the contents of your average Wal Mart inheriting the earth. And it starts out funny, but as the movie's timeline progresses and the concepts become more feasible the laughter slowly turns to a sour sadness. There's a real rushed feeling to parts of the movie, which leads me to believe that as the studio was seeing the dailies they pushed to just get it out the door. It wasn't because the movie was bad, but because while straddling the line of funny and profoundly depressing it went over the edge a few times, including *SPOILER ALERT* at the end, where things aren't so much resolved as just finished.

So I highly recommend this movie for the peek into Mike Judge's darker comic sensibilities as well as a cautionary tale. Because if anything, this isn't a comedic look into what things may be like in 500 years. It's more likely the way things almost certainly might look in 75 years. Why would I say something like that?

Oh.... I don't know.

Satisfaction: BEP style

It's not really a shocker that the hip-hop crew America hates to love, the Black Eyed Peas, are breaking into acting. Fergie already got her start backing up Martika on Kids Incorporated. And Will.I.Am oozes the kind of multimedia ambition usually reserved for a Trump or a Diddy.

And since BEP has made no qualms about selling out in every way imaginable, it isn't surprising that they've whored themselves out to Snickers (among the gajillion other brands they've affixed their music or likeness to).

What is a shock is that the cute little movies they've made for Snicker's mini-site Instant Def, are actually not bad. Not hilarious, save for the above screen shot of an imperiled Fergie, but quaint and acted in an intentionally over-the-top sort of way.

So enjoy what passes for modern urban drama on the web: Instant Def. It's not the Kitty Cat Dance or Peanut Butter Jelly Time, but it's just as solidly acted.

Holy Shit: Bible Bar

The depths of evangelical douche-iness seem to be as bottomless as the pits of hell itself. But sometimes a product or contrivance stands out so much that it deserves a closer look. And so it goes for the "Bible Bar." A health food snack sold at Megachurch gyms (which I also didn't know existed) in honkylicious suburban wastelands around the U.S.

I was first made aware of the Bible Bar from a passing mention in this ABC news report about "Body by God" programs available at some Jeebus Gyms (watch the video). Absurd? Yes. But it does bring us closer to the inevitable churches in Wal Marts that I've been predicting for a while.

You can't fault the smarmy bible beaters who love making a profit on the prophets for finding a niche market and exploiting it for all it's worth. And such is the case of the Bible Bar. Made with all the biblical tastiness of Deuteronomy, the Bible Bar finally gives you your righteous indignation in snack form. Made with wheat, barley, honey, olive oil, vines, figs and pomegranates, I have no doubt that the Bible Bar will, in fact, help you lose weight. Mostly because you'll be bazooka-shitting when that grenade of dense roughage hits your digestive tract. Why don't they just make a desert version that's bound together with chocolate laxatives to deal the final blow? I don't see why not.

So when you're looking for a snack, just think: What would Jesus eat? Probably the crap that they cram into a Bible Bar, since 2000 years ago they didn't have much of a choice. If he'd had his 'druthers, my guess is He'd be a Doritos man.

Monty's Look at the Movies

Happily N'Ever After

Stars the voices of Sigourney Weaver and Sarah Michelle Gellar and revolves around an alliance of evil-doers taking over Fairy Tale Land. Only to be toppled by a ragtag band of freadom fighters... it like Red Dawn, but less Swazee-ey



Freedom Writers

Hilary Swank leads this classic story of Teacher meets Class, Teacher inspires class, class overcomes social-economic difficulties, class teaches teacher, audience leaves inspired... its like Red Dawn except instead of the Cuban invading Minnesota, it inner city youth learning to express them selves in a creative writing class.

Home of the Brave

Stars Samuel L. Jackson, 50 Cent, and Jessica Biel. It's about a unit of short-timers in Iraq. After a devistating final assignment in a remote village, the remaining soldiers must try and readjust to life at home. This movie is nothing Like Red Dawn as Sam Jackson is the anti Swazie

Code Name: The Cleaner

A femme fatale convinces an amnesiac janitor played by Cedric the Entertainer that he's a super-agent in the midst of taking down an international arms ring... I am not sure why she would do that... I mean what purpose does that serve and how will that help Swazie push the reds back to the gulf of mexico?



Night at the Museum

Staring Ben Stiller As dim-witted nighttime security guard, his first night at the Museum of Natural History is full of danger and surprises, as the humans and other animals on display come to life, looking for trouble. In other words, like Red Dawn, it teaches valuable lessons about family and modern gurilla warfare.



The Pursuit of Happyness

Will Smith plays a down and out salesman/ rubic's cube phenon in this shot for shot remake of Red Dawn.