Writers Strike

Monty here, because of the writer's strike I am taking this opportunity to advertise myself as a scab.

Here's some samples of what I can offer:

Monologue joke writer:

Shia LaBeouf was arrested early Sunday morning for refusing to leave a Chicago Walgreens. He was later released when he transformed into a SOBER celebrity

HEY YO!


Soap Writer:

INT

Heatherton Manor, sitting room

JESSICA

Oh Ross, this whole mess is my fault, I never should have interfere with your wedding.

ROSS

Don't you see Jessica, I wanted you to... Before I regained my memories I thought you were just another Grady, out to get me and my family's fortune... but now, no I know that you are the only one I can trust, Not only as my partner on the force, my
Chief of staff at the clinic but also the as the CEO of my publishing empire

WATCH OUT!


What's that you say, Two and a Half Men needs a writer!

INT
The same room they are always in on this effing
show.

CHARLIE
If I wanted that I'd get married!

SOME GIRL
Oh You!

Need some new shows? How about this... The new A-Team, a bunch of ex Blackwater guys protect various minorities from the actual Blackwater! Or uhm what about a show where a fat lose comedian moves to the big city and sex with a lot of total hot chicks... oh and his wife is totally in to, HBO Call ME! Kids Shows I got them! Why don't we laugh and learn with four crazy cheerleaders!

Anyway... I got more where this came from so hey producers call me!

Megatron interviews at the FedEx/Kinkos near campus.

FedEx/Kinkos: Well Mr. Megatron, I’ve looked over your resume and it looks like you are qualified to join our team here, but since the job entails working seamlessly with your other team members I just have to ask you some questions, ok?

Megatron: No problem, thank you for time and Energon… eh energy.

FedEx/Kinkos: Ok let’s start .What are your long-range goals and objectives?

Megatron: Long term? Well I would love to deplete this pathetic rock of all its raw energy, convert it to Energon and then continue my conquest of the galaxy.

FedEx/Kinkos: What are your short-range goals and objectives?

Megatron: Well I would just like to earn some good money, get some good workplace experience and of course maintain my GPA, I’m on scholarship you know.

FedEx/Kinkos: Yes, I read that. How do you plan to achieve your career goals?

Megatron: By crushing my opponent, weather it be that fool, Prime or that sniveling whelp Starscream! Oh, and by maintaining a focus on the companies overall goals and doing my best to keep those aligned with our customers.

FedEx/Kinkos: What are the most important rewards you expect in your career?

Megatron: POWER, ABSOLUTE POWER… and by that I mean the respect of my supervisors and co-workers.

FedEx/Kinkos: Why did you choose the career for which you are preparing?

Megatron: I’ll be honest at first I majored in Poli-Sci at my father’s behest, but as soon as I started taking the classes I fell in love with the rule of law, the IRON RULE OF ABSOLUTE LAW. But I am also minoring in French.

FedEx/Kinkos: What are your strengths, weaknesses, and interests?

Megatron: I hate this question.

FedEx/Kinkos: EVERYBODY does.

Megatron: That’s why you have to ask it though right? Ok, strengths. Let’s see, I am a leader. I am flexible, I mean, I change all the time, also I have a high-powered energy beam attached to my arm. Weaknesses, I can some times get obsessive, I am passionate and can be ruled by emotions, like my love of Energon and my hatred for Prime… interests, well I love playing B-Ball out in the yard and I currently am treasurer of the Art-Appreciation Society.

FedEx/Kinkos: How do you think a friend or professor who knows you well would describe you?

Megatron: Driven.

FedEx/Kinkos: Ok, I can see that. Uhm, describe a situation in which you had to work with a difficult person (another student, co-worker, customer, supervisor, etc.). How did you handle the situation? Is there anything you would have done differently in hindsight?

Megatron: Once, this is a few semesters ago, I teamed with Cobra Comander. It was awful, it was like you know looking at a crack mirror, all my faults but with none of my abilities… After seeking advice from my father, I ended up making sure each of us had clearly defined roles and that we were on the same page goal wise. If I could do it all over again, I guess I would maybe not been such a control freak, let him have a little more room to grow… oh and I wouldn’t have tried to double-cross him so early.

FedEx/Kinkos: How do you determine or evaluate success?

Megatron: George Sheehan once said, “Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be.” I totally believe that at the end of the day you have to ask yourself, was I the best hand-gun and or maniacal killer robot I could be? If the answer is yes, than yeah, I call it a success.

FedEx/Kinkos: In what ways do you think you can make a contribution to our organization?

Megatron: Well let me ask you, do have a 40 foot tall mass of death and destruction behind the customer counter? Well with me you have an ultra advanced killing machine, which also speaks Spanish.


FedEx/Kinkos: Describe a contribution you have made to a project on which you worked.



Megatron: Well a few years ago, by that I mean 4 million years ago, the Autobots fled our home world of cybertron in their ship, the Ark. My task force was assigned to stop them. I not only lead the brainstorming sessions, I also used my laser cannon to blow a hole in the hull of the Ark to allow a boarding party to enter an kill as many of the Autobot scum as we could lay of cyberfingers on.


FedEx/Kinkos: What qualities should a successful manager possess?

Megatron: Confidence. Good listening skills. Laser cannon.

FedEx/Kinkos: Was there an occasion when you disagreed with a supervisor's decision or company policy? Describe how you handled the situation.

Megatron: Well the last leader of the Descepticons was a guy named Stanley, Middlebaum. He was all about peace talks, said that our war with the Autobots was bleeding cybertron dry of energon. I voiced my disagreement in a private meeting, transformed, shot him in the head, and then presented a united front to the rest of the Decepticons.

FedEx/Kinkos: What two or three accomplishments have given you the most satisfaction? Why?

Megeatron: Well with the help of Hot Rod I did manage to kill Prime… oh, I also won the Akron Corporate Cup, 10k.

FedEx/Kinkos: Describe your most rewarding college experience.

Megatron: Well academically it has been getting in to Wharton for my MBA, socially it was getting elected Pledge chair, TKE! TKE! TKE!

FedEx/Kinkos: What interests you about our product or service?

Megatron: You guys have a world class reputation for customer service, plus, I like planes.

FedEx/Kinkos: In what kind of work environment are you most comfortable?

Megatron: I work best in small groups; you know only three or four characters, so the plot doesn’t get bogged down by the 70 or so toys that are out there.


FedEx/Kinkos: How do you work under pressure?

Megatron: I am not going to try to fool you. When I stressed, there is a better than average chance I am going to shoot Starscream in the face.


FedEx/Kinkos: Will you relocate? Does relocation bother you?

Megatron: After coming from a distant Galaxy, moving to Augusta isn’t all that, as long as it’s near a power plant of some kind.

FedEx/Kinkos: Are you willing to travel?

Megatron: Sure I love to fly.

FedEx/Kinkos: Are you willing to spend at least six months as a trainee?

Megatron: FOOL, have you no idea who I am?

Lincoln County Fair

The Weisen's (sans Monty) bringing love to the 4-H Barn

A great big Weisen-thanks to all the nice folks in Tyler, MN and surrounding communities for kicking off the Lincoln County Fair with us last Friday. As a community on the whole, your suggestions were superb and your midwestern wit was a delight. And a big Weisen-special thanks to the guy from the Rock for bringing the fans and the soundsystem.

It was our distinct pleasure to bring the comedy and the rain you so desperately needed. Don't mention it. That's just how we roll. Sorry you built the big stage in front of the grandstand that we couldn't use because of the rain. But we tore it up in that barn nonetheless.

The unused stage at the end of the Grandstands. Unsafe in a downpour.

We love you, Minnesotans. (So keep hiring us for stuff and we'll keep coming back and bringing the love.)

Matt and Theresa making a beeline for the corndogs & funnel cakes

Here's a big ups to our homies in Lincoln County! What-what!

(hearts) the Weisen's

Michael Cera and other dude on the Web

Young comic geniuses Michael Cera (best known as George Michael Bluth from Arrested Development) and Clark Duke (mostly known as Fratboy #1 from an episode of CSI) have 10 rad webisodes of their show Clark and Michael up here. Do check it out. It's hard to describe, but it's got the wry sophistication of Curb Your Enthusiasm and the authenticity of your standard reality show. It follows two ne'er-do-wells as they try to pitch a sitcom in the third most evil family vacation destination on earth, Hollywood. It truly is brill.

Clark, Michael, Shenanigans

I hate how young and talented these boys are, yet am compelled to watch their shenanigans.

Also: Spoiler Bonus! Keep an eye out for Eric Warheim from Tim & Eric's Awesome Show Great Job! in episode 10.

That is all.

A Fun Sexy Time: Three-ways are illegal?

Here's a chunk of this article from Military.com:

SPANGDAHLEM AIR BASE, Germany — A Spangdahlem-based airman was sentenced Monday to four months confinement for her part in a sexual act with two other airmen.
Airman 1st Class Ashley N. Rains pleaded guilty at a court-martial to two indecent acts charges.

She had faced rape and sodomy charges but admitted to the lesser charges as part of a plea deal.

It basically goes on to say that the lawyers argued that everyone involved was tanked (isn't that how most threegys happen in the first place?) and a lot of messing around took place.

I'm no military expert, but I'm confused a couple different ways on this: 1) This happened in Germany, where there is tacit understanding of BDSM poop sex being pretty yawny and typical. So if this happened off base, I find it hard to believe that Germany had a problem with it.

My #2 problem with this (no pun intended) is the article doesn't touch on how this went public. Were they having this 3-way on a runway or something? Is this the kind of thing you have to report to a superior? "Sir, yes sir, I was engaged in hot 3-way action and maintained the 'lucky Pierre' position for the duration, sir!" Are you not allowed "private time" (again, no pun intended) in the military? This is craziness. If a bunch of young, impressionable kids want to have a fun sexy time I say why not? If we don't let them, don't the terrorists win?

Holy Shit: My Favorite Falwell Quote

"The Bible is the inerrant ... word of the living God. It is absolutely infallible,without error in all matters pertaining to faith and practice, as well as in areas such as geography, science, history, etc."

-- Jerry Falwell, Finding Inner Peace and Strength

Sure. Who would know better than you? Biblical historians? Feh.

Thanks for everything, Jerry. For the Moral Majority, The Teletubby thing, The blaming the gays for Hurricane Katrina, The blaming the ACLU for 9/11, and for every other little thing. So long, douchebag.

Now that you're gone someone needs to take your place. I heard Ted Haggard is looking for a gig.

(Here's a list of other Falwell quotes. Thanks to Positive Atheism!)

Bashin' on the MySpace!

Rupert: In some circles may be considered "rough trade"

If you believe the blogger buzz floating around today, it would appear as though Aussie walking fossil and media whore enabler Rupert Murdoch has removed "gay" from the orientation listing on the News Corp. owned MySpace.

The story (excerpted) from Raw Story:

The popular social networking site MySpace appears to have eliminated the ability of users to list their sexual orientation as 'Gay' within their profiles.

The screen shot below shows that the function that allows MySpace users to edit their personal profiles has eliminated 'Gay' as an option under the 'Background and Lifestyles' section. Curiously, users can still list themselves as 'Lesbian' or 'Bi.'

Who what on the who now? So muff-munching is kosher, and apparently it's okay to suck the occasional ding-dong so long as you don't turn pro? Cue my confusion-face.

Frankly I think this was some overzealous database tomfoolery (or in MySpace's case "Tom"-foolery). Likely the data monkeys were working on the MySpace DB and neglected to turn the gayness back on or something after a routine scrubbing. Whatever. Big deal. Even a tin foil hat wearing conspiracy theorist like myself finds this a little goofy. Why eschew gay but leave in "bi," which as every regular viewer of the long lost Rikki Lake show knows means "Bi the way, I'm gay!" To be generous, "bi" is just shorthand for Junior Varsity Gay.

Relax kids, there's always facebook, and friendster, and the innumerable clones that are being built currently by Rolling Stone, Spin, Amazon, Clearchannel, and every other corporate stooge standing in the wings trying to sell you sneakers and Doritos.