Junk Watch: Vista Launch

Which is worse: The Steve Jobs "Reality Distortion Field" or the Bill Gates "Denial Bubble"?

Making every possible media round Gates made a stop on American Morning, where his handlers apparently didn't tell him that Miles is a closet Mac addict. Hostile territory for someone pushing his "groundbreaking Aero interface" which bites so hard on Apple's style you can hear the crunch.

Case in point:



Oh yeah, because editing HD video and burning DVDs have never been integrated into an operating system before.

I haven't seen this much general indifference since the... well, the Zune.

Refer a Friend to Funny

In celebration of the completion of the Weisenheimers first decade of dominance we've got a little contest for you, simply get as many of your friends to be our friends as possible.

But HOW?

Simple, post a bulletin in your myspace with this banner in it:



that's <a> <img src="http://www.docmarvy.com/bannerfeb.gif"> </a> in html.

Tell your friends to go to http://wwww.myspace.com/weisenheimers and add us as a friend, but make sure they message us letting us know who referred them!

All of our friends will receive a special coupon to a mySpace night at the Icehouse, and the friend who refers the most new friends will win a fabulous prize!

Junk Watch: More Computer Toys

Finally, somebody recognizes that to truly enjoy internet porn, you NEED to have a computer desk designed for "supine usage."

And yes, I know that this is more geared to the bed-ridden and those with special needs. But it'll be a boon to the internet porn industry as well. Just think, no need to leave the bed except to empty out the bucket of your filth. Fantastic!

Will wonders never cease?

For proper enjoyment of this actual product, visit their page here.

But they're the national bird...

Sitting with Monty last Saturday night at Grumpy's Bar & Grill (the official B&G of the Beatrice, NE country club), as we waited patiently to offer the fine folk at Lottman Construction Company's holiday party the rare, but occasional 2-man Weisenheimers show, I happened to glance over at the TVs. Coming back from a commercial break where I was commenting about how the NFL "robot that does warm ups" next to the stats window on screen creeps me out, the camera panned the crowd, lingering on one woman with a lovely t-shirt:




At the moment I thought perhaps my eyes deceived me, but alas they had not. I mentioned it to Mont, who said that if it were true I could find it on youtube. (The link shows how correct he was.) But I thought at the time that with all the FCC regulation about "dirty" words in primetime, was this somehow exempt? Isn't the printed word just as offensive to uptight "call the FCC"-types as the spoken word? Apparently that answer is a resounding yes.

Hilarious.

I'm glad I know that I should be offended.

Bukakke? More like Bu-cookie!

Do I have a serious mental problem, or is this the same conclusion anyone would draw from looking at these gingerbread men?

Yesterday was food day at the office and there's a mammoth tub of gingerbread fellas that remain. Whilst snacking on one I noticed that the frosting got out of hand. Rather than just a quick glaze-frost to accentuate the features of Mr. G. Bread, it looked more like he was the "pig-bottom" in a specialty video the likes of which one could find on many fetish sites.

Wouldn't anyone arrive at the same idea? Or is it just me?

And it's called the Nick's Hex

How successful can you become writing faux white-reggae hits for bong-packing snowboarders? Judge for yourself:

From The Wall Street Journal Online

Nick Hexum, the lead singer for the band 311, is asking $10 million for a private island in the Florida Keys that he bought for $2.8 million three years ago.

The roughly six-acre island lies a half mile off Summerland Key, about midway between Marathon and Key West. A 3,500-square-foot house features three en-suite bedrooms, a third-floor great room with a 300-gallon aquarium, and a crow's nest balcony on the roof where Mr. Hexum says he likes to play guitar. The island also has a pool, barbecue deck, cement pier and its own propane-powered generator. Previous owner Cris Lesick says the lights stayed on even during Hurricane George in 1998, when most of the area lost power.

Ms. Lesick and her family bought the island in 1978 and built the house in 1995; they rented it out until Mr. Hexum bought it in 2003 (the Lesicks now serve as caretakers). Mr. Hexum, whose rock/alternative/reggae band 311 had two platinum-selling albums in the 1990s, renamed the island Melody Key from Money Key, and says he spent several million dollars renovating it, only to have to redo much of the work after the home and island were damaged during last year's hurricanes.

Mr. Hexum says he doesn't want to sell the island, where he has written several songs, but has too high a percentage of his assets tied up in the property, which he says is "mortgaged to the hilt." Nonetheless, Mr. Hexum, whose primary residence is in Los Angeles, says he won't accept an offer under $10 million. "Do not waste my time with $9,999,999," he says.

Apparently nobody told Nick that the bubble burst on the private-island real estate market. And does "planting premium ganja" count as "millions of dollars of improvements"? Methinks not.

Worse yet it would appear that Nick hasn't seen the M.C. Hammer episode of Behind the Music. Is it wise to super-mortgage personal real estate investments when one has yet to crack the Top 40? I think this would be proof that it would not.

And how come there's no discussion of the Des Moines crackhouse that S.A. Martinez is trying to unload? Kidding, of course. The crackhouse is in L.A.

This post is more funny "hmmmm" rather than funny "ha ha". But you already knew that.

Idiocracy: What happened?!?

Mike Judge's second live-action feature film came out on DVD this last Tuesday. Idiocracy with Luke Wilson, Dax Shepard and Maya Rudolph. What's that you say? You hadn't even heard about it? Perhaps that's because after shelving it for a year, 20th Century Fox buried it with a release on a handful of screens and no promotion. They purposefully put it out to pasture. So certainly you must be thinking that the movie must be pretty crappy for Fox to so unceremoniously dump it, right? Well, I picked up my copy today and watched it end to end and I can tell you that the movie isn't bad. Is it fall-down hilarious? No, it isn't that either. Instead it's the kind of satire that starts with you laughing and ends with you feeling sick to your stomach.

You see, about two thirds the way into the movie it becomes evident, at least superficially, why Fox buried this film. Nearly an hour in we're treated to a vision of what Fox News will look like in about 498 years: all exploding graphics and inarticulate pituitary retards reporting a narrow, slanted and jingoistic version of the news. (I know, I know, how can you tell it's any different from right now?) The anchors are replaced by a shirtless bodybuilder and a gargantuan-breasted vixen throwing it to a live reporter who says things like "and they knew he was all guilty and shit." On the surface it would appear that maligning Fox News while your film is being released by 20th Century Fox, both part of the same company, might not be such a good idea. It is possible that Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox, News Corp. and Sean Hannity's balls, may have had a problem with Mike Judge portraying his beloved news network in such a way. But I think that's an oversimplification.

Idiocracy has some very funny parts, and it is listed as a comedy, or at least as a satire. But what I found was that it's actually a horror film. It's the extrapolated worst case scenario consequences of a disposable culture. Picture the current film Children of Men re-imagined as a comedy and you'd pretty much have it. Rather than the meek inheriting the earth, it's the contents of your average Wal Mart inheriting the earth. And it starts out funny, but as the movie's timeline progresses and the concepts become more feasible the laughter slowly turns to a sour sadness. There's a real rushed feeling to parts of the movie, which leads me to believe that as the studio was seeing the dailies they pushed to just get it out the door. It wasn't because the movie was bad, but because while straddling the line of funny and profoundly depressing it went over the edge a few times, including *SPOILER ALERT* at the end, where things aren't so much resolved as just finished.

So I highly recommend this movie for the peek into Mike Judge's darker comic sensibilities as well as a cautionary tale. Because if anything, this isn't a comedic look into what things may be like in 500 years. It's more likely the way things almost certainly might look in 75 years. Why would I say something like that?

Oh.... I don't know.

Satisfaction: BEP style

It's not really a shocker that the hip-hop crew America hates to love, the Black Eyed Peas, are breaking into acting. Fergie already got her start backing up Martika on Kids Incorporated. And Will.I.Am oozes the kind of multimedia ambition usually reserved for a Trump or a Diddy.

And since BEP has made no qualms about selling out in every way imaginable, it isn't surprising that they've whored themselves out to Snickers (among the gajillion other brands they've affixed their music or likeness to).

What is a shock is that the cute little movies they've made for Snicker's mini-site Instant Def, are actually not bad. Not hilarious, save for the above screen shot of an imperiled Fergie, but quaint and acted in an intentionally over-the-top sort of way.

So enjoy what passes for modern urban drama on the web: Instant Def. It's not the Kitty Cat Dance or Peanut Butter Jelly Time, but it's just as solidly acted.

Holy Shit: Bible Bar

The depths of evangelical douche-iness seem to be as bottomless as the pits of hell itself. But sometimes a product or contrivance stands out so much that it deserves a closer look. And so it goes for the "Bible Bar." A health food snack sold at Megachurch gyms (which I also didn't know existed) in honkylicious suburban wastelands around the U.S.

I was first made aware of the Bible Bar from a passing mention in this ABC news report about "Body by God" programs available at some Jeebus Gyms (watch the video). Absurd? Yes. But it does bring us closer to the inevitable churches in Wal Marts that I've been predicting for a while.

You can't fault the smarmy bible beaters who love making a profit on the prophets for finding a niche market and exploiting it for all it's worth. And such is the case of the Bible Bar. Made with all the biblical tastiness of Deuteronomy, the Bible Bar finally gives you your righteous indignation in snack form. Made with wheat, barley, honey, olive oil, vines, figs and pomegranates, I have no doubt that the Bible Bar will, in fact, help you lose weight. Mostly because you'll be bazooka-shitting when that grenade of dense roughage hits your digestive tract. Why don't they just make a desert version that's bound together with chocolate laxatives to deal the final blow? I don't see why not.

So when you're looking for a snack, just think: What would Jesus eat? Probably the crap that they cram into a Bible Bar, since 2000 years ago they didn't have much of a choice. If he'd had his 'druthers, my guess is He'd be a Doritos man.

Monty's Look at the Movies

Happily N'Ever After

Stars the voices of Sigourney Weaver and Sarah Michelle Gellar and revolves around an alliance of evil-doers taking over Fairy Tale Land. Only to be toppled by a ragtag band of freadom fighters... it like Red Dawn, but less Swazee-ey



Freedom Writers

Hilary Swank leads this classic story of Teacher meets Class, Teacher inspires class, class overcomes social-economic difficulties, class teaches teacher, audience leaves inspired... its like Red Dawn except instead of the Cuban invading Minnesota, it inner city youth learning to express them selves in a creative writing class.

Home of the Brave

Stars Samuel L. Jackson, 50 Cent, and Jessica Biel. It's about a unit of short-timers in Iraq. After a devistating final assignment in a remote village, the remaining soldiers must try and readjust to life at home. This movie is nothing Like Red Dawn as Sam Jackson is the anti Swazie

Code Name: The Cleaner

A femme fatale convinces an amnesiac janitor played by Cedric the Entertainer that he's a super-agent in the midst of taking down an international arms ring... I am not sure why she would do that... I mean what purpose does that serve and how will that help Swazie push the reds back to the gulf of mexico?



Night at the Museum

Staring Ben Stiller As dim-witted nighttime security guard, his first night at the Museum of Natural History is full of danger and surprises, as the humans and other animals on display come to life, looking for trouble. In other words, like Red Dawn, it teaches valuable lessons about family and modern gurilla warfare.



The Pursuit of Happyness

Will Smith plays a down and out salesman/ rubic's cube phenon in this shot for shot remake of Red Dawn.