The Calm, The Storm and the Truck Stop

Hey Kids,

Well I made it out of Arkansas alive, sort of. For the most part.

I took the following photo about 20 minutes before I hightailed it out of there to "beat the weather" back to Omaha.



The calm before the stormy drive. Me as myself in front of DeGray Lake.

Well, as I sit here at the Flying J Truckstop in Joplin, MO, you've probably surmised that the weather beat me. It's been a white knuckle ride up MO State Highway 71 (the route recommended by Mapquest) Listening to the local talk radio station on the way up I was persuaded to stop since the Joplin Sherrif, State Police, and possibly President Bush have declared Joplin a snow-packed nightmare worthy of a Stephen King novel. So I pulled over since: A) I have no weight/ballast in the back of the truck to aid with traction, B) It's NOT MY TRUCK, therefore complicating any potential fender benders, and C) I've been downing Starbucks canned cappuccino double shots on the quarter hour since 9 am so I would stay awake. Now I'm wired like Whitney Houston jonesing for a fix and another few minutes behind the wheel would've made my head explode.

So I thought I'd eat my first real (non-gas station processed) food of the day, a steak salad that's surprisingly decent and reasonably priced, while hopefully the sand trucks and plows are out making the 300+ remaining miles I have to get home traversable.


Sadly, this doesn't look that much better in real life, but it beats the hell out of the Fritos I had earlier.

I called Monty a while ago to keep from freaking out in the truck and it was a strange mix of calming and upsetting. Calming to joke with a kindred spirit, upsetting because he looked at the weather map while we were on the phone and said that the shit was actually hitting the fan BEYOND Joplin. As it was I was guessing where the road was.

So anyway, I bought the $5 worth of 24 hours of Flying J internet, but hopefully I won't need much more than a couple hours of it.

In the words of John Lithgow as the deranged Dr. Emilio Lizardo in the classic cult film Buckaroo Banzai, "I feel-a so break up, I wanna go home!"

Dammit.


P.S. Watch out for the steak salad. Medium rare apparently means uncooked in the middle.

Hugs.

Marvy

Another Dispatch from Arkin-Saw

Lest anyone out there think that this trip was a vacation, please refer to the photo below:



Me and my mother standing at the booth, as rendered by my crappy phone/camera.

Do I look like I'm having fun? Of course not. You know why? I'm not. Not that I'm miserable or that many many people have it worse, but that doesn't soften the blow of glad-handing a bunch of assistant buyers of middle managers. Feh.

The more distressing part: By all meteorological accounts, I'll be driving through an epic snowstorm to get home tomorrow. It'll start getting rough in Fayetteville and strengthen to Stephen King novella levels by the time I get to Carthage, MO. Once I'm at K.C. everything should be cool, though. So just the first 6 hours of the drive will be rough. After that, smooth sailing.

Don't worry about me, babies. As the Weisenheimers know, I am the best driver.

Hugs not drugs,

M

Tha Derrty Souf

Hey kids, just when you thought it was dead, I decide to go ahead and post a little more here on the page that 1) Matt never even signed up for despite multiple invitations, 2) Smed never posted on, and 3) Monty gave up Entertainment News a couple weeks ago. So why post something now? Because I'm back in the south, yo.

Yes, you'd think I would've learned my lesson after a disasterous week in Tennessee, but no. Here i am in the great state of Arkansas. Specifically in room 132 of the DeGray State Park lodge. I drove down yesterday to help my folks with a trade show that supplies the gift shops for all the 50+ Arkansas State Parks. This is a big deal for them, and since I've depleted my savings on all these trips to the American South, it also counts as their Christmas present from me. Sucks for them.

It's also a big deal for me, because I tweaked my back Sunday morning and have spent the last two solid days on a consistent cocktail of Vallium, Darvocet, Ibuprofen and my last surviving Oxycodone. In fact, right now as I type this from my room which overlooks the lovely DeGray Lake, I am flying high as a kite after my continental breakfast of pills. I will have to start rationing, though as I'm down to just a handful of pills left, and it's a long (read: 10+ hour) drive back to Omaha.

But I did want to chime in and say that although I'm loopy and seeing trails I can tell that this is a truly lovely place. There's a nest of cardinals (the birds, not the Catholics) outside my window and they're fluttering around doing bird things. It's very serene. However that serenity is about to be demolished when I head to the convention center and peddle candles for the next 8-10 hours.

Some notes: Due to late registration I'm in a handicap accessible room, which means no tub, but a wheelchair-capable shower. This is exactly like the La Quinta the Weisenheimers stayed in when we auditioned for Disney in Orlando. My general take on it: It would suck to be in a wheelchair, if for no other reason than they lay out the room very poorly, I'm guessing from not knowing. The closet is in the shower, I shit you not. And the riser extension on the toilet seat makes you feel like you're 3 years old and being potty trained. Good news for a fetishist, bad news for people who need foot-plant leverage while they poop... I'm guessing, of course.

My room, although handicap accessible, is for some reason in the basement (ground floor from the rear). Strange that it's not on the main floor, but it does give me the opportunity to be next to the workout room (which will go unused due to my fucked up back), the pool/hot tub (which will go unused because I brought no trunks and won't have time anyway... and the fucked up back), and the "game room," I put it in quotes because they have four games in there. Atari's Pole Position 2 (with the rad 4-speed shifter), Ms. Pac Man, some Fritz Lang's Metropolis-inspired pinball machine and some multicade device. It's not lame enough to make the list of X-Entertianment's worst game rooms list, but it's pretty weak. I took a phone pic of the Pole Position and you can see it here. Enjoy.



As you can see, my phone takes great pics, but trust me, that's Pole Position II, right next to a weird robot-lady pinball machine.


That's it for me. My folks were going to come to the room and clean up about an hour ago. Still no show and the trade show opens in 28 minutes, so I'm going to man the booth. Give me strength, kids. I'll need it.

Meantime, Huzzah.

P.S. In other fanboy news, blogger Dave White read my blog where I name checked him (at docmarvy.com) and sent me an email. I am very stoked about this as he is the type of writer I would like to be if I was good. Okay, that's it. I'm starting to black out. Peace, babies.

What John Hodgman would look like...

if he were Japanese:



Hodgman, aside from being the "PC" guy, is an NPR commentator, hilarious rogue, and author of a very funny book. But apparently in Japan he looks just like a Japanese guy.

Weird.

Let's Celebrate Us Some Diversity

So I'm surfing the BBC looking for the news that might have more of a global impact than the concept of a "Speaker Pelosi," and what do i run across? A story about a documentary film featuring these fellas:



Meet the Crippendales. And no, that's not a typo. These are four fellas with different disablities (different-abilities? handicaps? handicapabilities? Hell, I don't know anymore) who take off their clothes a la the beefy Swayze-esque studs at Chippendales do. Apparently their stage show relies heavily on a "Smooth Criminal" look.

Now while I appreciate these guys' moxie to challenge stereotypes, there's one reason I can't get behind it. Yep. There's one exception that takes this from the realm of "hells yea" to "bleah": They're British.

Hello? Seriously, Despite what you may have seen in the hit Brit comedy "The Full Monty," British men in their pale wan bods shouldn't shake their pasty willies for folks. There's a reason Chippendales are sub-sterroidal beefcake monkeys in white neckties: That's what people want to see.

So hats off to the Crippendales for changing stereotypes, but pants on to the Crippendales for being pale skinny Brits, ambulatory legs or no.

Hooray for diversity!

This week in entertainment news 11-10-2006

The HUGEST Story of the week? Well its a toss up, its either 1) After nearly 12 years out of the legislative driver's seat the Democratic Party of the United States has one control of both houses of congress. or 2) The Federlines Split... Who am I kidding its totally the fact that the re-skinny Britney is back on the market, and now with added MILFiness!

K-FED's 15 minutes struck 14:30 on Tuesday, but Britney listed the separation as Monday, the same day the once again attractive Miss Spears made a surprise drop in on Late Night and Canadian camera crew caught Kevin Ferderline receiving a text message that left him visibly upset. Yeah you read right Brit dumped him via her Sidekick, then went Ice Skating and shopping in Manhattan.

Recap of Britney's To Do list, 1) Get thin, buy wig- Check; 2) Have Lawyers draft Divorce Papers- Check; 3) Show my goodies off to Letterman and the world- Check; 4) Practice my Lutz, text the Putz- Check and Check 5) Get that sweater I saw at the Gap- Check

Brittney cited irreconcilable differences as the reason for the split and requested physical and legal custody of the couple's two sons, Kevin a day later filed for sole physical and legal custody the boys, one-year old Sean Preston and two-month-old Bargaining chip...I mean Jayden James. Britney is said to have an Iron-Clad pre-nup.

Speaking of divorces, less than a week after formally separating, Reese Witherspoon filed for divorce from Ryan Phillippe. The actress is asking for joint custody of the couple's two children and for the judge to block any attempt on Phillippe's part to get spousal support. However since they married for love and didn't have a pre-nup, Ryan is already looking at getting half of all the Leagally Blonde money

Faith Hill is insisting that her on-camera freak-out at the CMA Awards after losing Best Female Vocalist to Carrie Underwood was a joke. "The idea that I would act disrespectful towards a fellow musician is unimaginable to me," Hill said in a statement... riiiiight, and "I didn't Inhale" and "There are weapons of mass destruction" oh and the new favorite, "I just received a massage"

On the subject of losers, Gamers will be able to purchase TV shows and download them to their Xbox as well as rent and watch movies on their consoles beginning November 22... now if only there was a feature that allowed them to leave the house or get a girlfriend.

An Italian newspaper reporting that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes plan to wed at Castello Odescalchi, a medieval castle on the shores of Lake Bracciano north of Rome. The couple will reportedly kick off events with a celebrity-packed party Nov. 16, tie the knot in a Catholic ceremony Nov. 17 and seal the deal with a Scientology service on Nov. 18... I know what your are all thinking, what is longer the Catholic Mass or the talking with Aliens...well it depends on the alien.

Maybe K-Fed can put on some Zombie make up and get back to his roots, this week we learned Michael Jackson, The King of Nuts, is scheduled to perform Thriller at the World Music Awards on Nov. 15, where he will also receive the Diamond Award. The host of that show is none other than 20 year old actress/singer/afterschool special Lindsay Lohan.



Speaking of Lindsay, this week it was announced Miss Lohan will star in an adaptation of Tennessee Williams' The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond. In it she will play a debutante with a talent for shocking and insulting those around her... wow what a stretch. Oh and her week was even busier than that, she also managed to squeeze in yet another car crash in the wee hours of Tuesday morning while trying to flee the paparazzi... no wonder it took so long for Montana to count their ballots...


Two college students featured in Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan are suing , claiming members of their fraternity were tricked into getting drunk and engaging in other boorish behavior after being told that the movie wouldn't be screened in the U.S... You know what this is an outrage, it totally misrepresents the fraternity life style, without Borat these young men would have never drank in excess and watch pornography one their own.

Did I mention whiteguys? Taylor Hicks will sing the national anthem before the NASCAR Ford 400... I wonder how much he'll flail, I mean dance, during that number? Speaking of Idols, Kellie Pickler has landed a development deal at Fox. She is in talks to star in a sitcom about a Southern girl who discovers her long-lost father is a governor, who's running for president... Its called My Daughter, the Idiot Who Sings Every Episode... or something like that.

Speaking of the TV, NBC is ordering a full season of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, despite it being terribly insulting to the intelligence of anyone watching. And ABC announced a new animated Christmas special, Shrek the Halls, will premiere in December 2007... In the cartoon Shreck will learn the true meaning of Christmas, getting Eddie Murphy some work. Meanwhile ABC's Cash-cow, Lost, unveiled its action figures on Monday.. So now you too can make up your own convoluted Storylines that defy logic and conventional plot based norms. And lastly from the BOOB TUBE, "Fat Actress" Kristie Alley donned a bikini to show off her new shape on The Oprah Winfrey Show, fulfilling a pledge she made about a year ago... that pledge, "to make a million households celibate"

Speaking of pleasantly Plump, Mariah Carey's production company suing a concert promoter for breach of contract, asking for $1 million to reimburse her for expenses she incurred while prepping for a Hong Kong concert that got canceled. The Promoter said it nixed the performance due to poor advance ticket sales and the singer's "unreasonable demands."... What prepping did she do that's worth a million dollars? Build a time machine and retriever her younger, thinner, more talented self?

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt set to tie the knot in Las Vegas next week, with George Clooney serving as best man. Well their wax figures are. Madame Tussauds Las Vegas holding a waxen wedding for the star duo, mainly because they have already had same sex marriages in wax, Rosanne and Tom Arnold to name one. (What too old of a couple? Eat me.)

PSA: Vote

Okay. Seriously. Go out and vote on Tuesday. If you don't, the Weisenheimers will come to your house, shit in your mailbox, rearrange your furniture, and throw your children in an industrial chipper/shredder. Specifically for you Nebraskans: Do you really want to see this guy in office:



Pete Ricketts shown relaxing at his Fairacres Farm.

I didn't think so. So go flex your freedoms while you still have some left.

A New Chapter in Doogie's Diary

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This week in entertainment news 11-04-2006

Dick Clark we will once again be making us feel very uncomfortable by rockin' in 2007 with cohost and santa's little helper Ryan Seacrest plus musical guest Christina Aguilera on his annual New Year's Rockin' Eve special.

Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe have formally separated. Meanwhile Witherspoon settled her lawsuit against Star magazine for a cover story claiming she was preggers... So apparently Reese is settling with the tabloid but not settling with Ryan any longer... Lets just hope this doesn't go Baldwin/Bassinger or Mills/McCartney or even Hasselhoff/... that lady who married Hasselhoff

Oprah Winfrey gave away $1,000 Bank of America gift cards to members of her audience, with the instruction that they must give them away to a charitable cause... so some people get cars, some people get money they can't keep... how many audience members were like, "Oh I AM charity miss Oprah"




Michael Jackson due to receive the Diamond Award at the upcoming World Music Awards, according to a press release that touted the singer as the "world's most famous pop star on the planet." ... wait I am sorry that should have read, most INfamous, not just famous... Oh and instead of pop star that actually reads, nut-job.

Borat opens nationwide today but Universal Pictures is willing to bet $42.5 Million that Sacha Baron Cohen's follow up, Bruno will be a hit... me thinks that they are hoping the moviefilm does not suck

Madonna told Meredith Vieira on The Today Show that David's father turned down her offer to provide him with financial aid to help him raise his son. The also revealed that she will educate David in Kabbalah, but if "he wants to be a Christian, then so be it."... she will also educate the young master David in a fake English accent, and even instruct him on how to act terribly. Madonna continued her string of rationalizations, I mean interviews with the BBC. She told the Brits she would not rule out adopting from abroad again. However, she's giving it some time. "I would just like to experience David for a while and see how that works out first," she said... you know I just want to try this one out before I upgrade.

Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin will soon be on Broadway in Chicago as Roxie Hart and Billy Flynn... wow Dancing with the Stars does help your career... Good luck Drew!

Flavor Flav is expecting his seventh child, (though not with Deelishis). And I quote "I want 10 [children]. And one thing I will never do is deny any of my kids," ... the ONE thing you will never do? Can we add some things to your list? Because I have watched your show and there are dozens of things I want you to not do again.

Donald Trump was cited by Palm Beach officials for flying a 15-by-25 foot American flag from the roof of his lavish estate because the flag is larger than the size allowed by zoning laws... I want the largest most beautiful gold flag available, its gonna be huge, instead of Stars it will just have Trump 50 times.



Brad Pitt is in just boxers on the cover of December's Vanity Fair and he's a touch upset. The actor's peeps are calling the shot, "unauthorized," but the magazine says it has a photo release signed by Pitt... ok, Brad, your mad at vanity fair but you were happy about Troy?


Speaking of celebrities in less than formal wear, Marcia Cross is threatening to sue her trashman in an effort to reclaim naked photos of herself that she claims she discarded "accidentally". A representative of the garbage company, is claiming that Cross must "suffer the consequences." ... you know I do not think I am alone in this, but I have NEVER taken a nude photo of myself, and if I did, I think I would resign myself to the belief that someday that photo would be leaked, I mean it always is. If you're famous and you take a picture of yourself naked, it will get on the internet, end of story.

Brooke Shields says that she and Katie Holmes are friends... wow maybe Tom was right maybe Brooke should go off the meds...Speaking of Tom Cruise, he and his biznass partner Paula Wagner are taking over United Artists, the studio founded by Charlie Chaplin and Mary Pickford. Wagner will serve as CEO, while Cruise will be... Crazy.

Kenny G is the best golfer in music according to Golf Digest's "Top 100 in Music." well sure he has time to practice instead of you know selling albums or touring... by the way Justin Timberlake came in 15th, Snoop Dogg was ranked 44th and Pink took the 100 spot... Foreizzle muh nizziles.

Speaking of JT, Justin won Best Pop and Best Male Artist honors at the MTV Europe Music Awards in Copenhagen last night Christina Aguilera was named Best Female Artist and Red Hot Chili Peppers snagged Best Album for Stadium Arcadium, meanwhile Kanye West grabbed the microphone to rant on why he should have won best video... I can only assume Mike Meyers just looked on in shock.

David Hasselhoff will join the Las Vegas production of The Producers as the flamboyant cross-dressing director Roger DeBris...You know its always Springtime in Germany for the Hoff, they love him over there.

Maury Povich's attorney is asking for a gag order in the sexual harassment case against the talk-show host, a request opposed by the attorney of Povich's accuser, Bianca Nardi, who apparently wants to share the details... yikes, Sexual, Maury, Povich and details are four words that I never want to hear... Talk about a gag order.

Vote or Die

It's election time again, a season filled with commercials designed to scare you in to civic duty. Here at the Weiseheimers Blogaverse we have decided to use the technologies at our Disposal to look into the future to see the political ads of tomorrow.

My number is 785934 mk 1 and I approved this message.

Canidate 9534-AK6 says she stands for moral values but did you know she has said she supports extending martial rights to non-humans?

Marriage has always been a sacred bond between two humans, but if Canidate 9534-AK6 becomes Senator 9534-AK6 you can count that the once honored institution of marriage will become just another in the long line of victims to the non-human agenda. If we let the Dolphins marry, what's next? Giving men the right to vote, Again?

Remember this Tuesday when you place your DNA Sample on the Ballot, vote for a canidate who believes in a Strong Moral Ameranada. Vote, 785934 mk 1 a vote for common sense.

James Whitney claims to be for stronger immigration laws, but is he?
In 1767 James Whitney's accestors immigrated to this country from England, illegally. Once in this area Whitney's forefather's worked the land as farmers, taking land and resources away from the area's aboriginal occupants.

James Whitney claims to be tough on immigration, but his family came here illegally what else is James Whitney Hiding?

Paid for by the committee to return Connecticut to the Mohegan and by Ashwat Casino, Ashwat has the loosest slots in the northeast and this December you can see the Rolling Stones in concert!

George Jameson is white. Are you ready to let a white guy back in government?

I'm Sayid Al Sufa and I would appreciate your vote for county clerk, because whitey just can't be trusted.

Remember to vote on November 7th, because if you don't they will... and we hate them don't we?