To save our lives you've got to envision the Fiery Crash

Omaha. Sokol Underground. 4.23.07
Indio. Coachella Music and Arts Festival. 4.27.07

Andrew Bird

turnstiles on mezzanine
jet ways and Dramamine fiends
and x-ray machines
you were hurling through space
g-forces twisting your face
breeding superstition
a fatal premonition
you know you got to envision
the fiery crash

oh, close your eyes and you wake up
face stuck to a vinyl settee
oh, the line was starting to break up
just as you were starting to say
something apropos, i don't know.

beige tiles and magazines
lou dobbs and the cnn team
on every monitor screen
you were caught in the crossfire
where every human face has you
reaching for your mace so it's
kind of an imposition
a fatal premonition

to save our lives you've got to envision
to save all our lives you've got to envision
and to save all our lives you've got to envision
the fiery crash
it's just a formality
why must i explain?
just a nod to mortality
before you get on

before you get on a plane.

oh, close your eyes and you wake up
face stuck to a vinyl settee
oh, the line was starting to break up
what was that you were going to say?

The Blind Leading the Stupid

Is the enemy of my enemy by definition my friend?

Not really.

But in the interest of equal time I would like to point out that attention whore, townhall.com columnist and media weasel Mike Gallagher (no relation to the fruit-smashing variety of Gallaghers) will once again "selflessly"* be offering 3 hours of his airtime to the Westboro Baptist Church in exchange for them relenting picketing the funerals of the kids murdered at Virginia Tech. This will be the second time he's given over his show to the WBC. The first time was to prevent them picketing the funerals of the Pennsylvania Amish that were slain a few years ago.

I don't quite understand how negotiating with the WBC jives with Mike and his ilk's neo-con stances on not negotiating with other terrorists. But apparently when the deed serves your needs, the line blurs somewhat.

Hatemongering coot, or senile douchebag? Probably both.

Don't misunderstand, the WBC shouldn't picket funerals, period. It's tasteless, it dishonors the memory of the deceased, and it really doesn't help the WBC, since it muddies their message (which is almost exclusively gay-hatred). But giving them access to the airwaves seems to make less sense than maybe just making the funerals private, thus making their presence prosecutable.

I don't agree with Mike or any of his townhall.com hatemongering media whore pals (Bill Bennett, Hugh Hewitt, Michael Medved, etc.) on 99.9% of the topics they cover. However, I think anyone with a functioning heart and a mind can agree that it may be better for the Westboro Baptist Church to be anywhere else, even spreading their hate on Mike's not often listened to airwaves, rather than picketing at the funerals of those poor individuals in Virginia.

*By "selflessly" I mean making a big stink about it and exploiting people's hatred of the WBC to fill three hours of airtime and incite his listener base. He gets to play both sides, the hero and the villain.

Off Roadin': Marv Style

If you are a stalker of mine, and I have many, then you know that I recently turned in my leased Volkswagen New Beetle Convertible. The third and final VW I will have anything to do with. I could, can, and have gone on and on about the woes of ownership (lessorship in the final one's case) of a VW from Olsen VW of Omaha. Crappy car, crappy service, crappy experience on the whole for me. Whatevs.

So I'm out of that frying pan and into the fire of Jeep ownership.

I've recently found out that in the world of 4WD the penis-measuring rivalries are even more irrational than the insane lameness that was driving around the bulbous vagina that was my VeeDub.

I am glad I went with the Jeep rather than some of the more absurd competition.

Take a gander:


If you happen to be a Hummer driver and you read this blog...

um, fuckin' stop it.

Thanks.

A Coke and a... smile?

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Mrs. Doubtfire held for questioning

It was a run-by fruiting

Hate crimes are not funny. That said, check out this story from KTVU.com:

Pacifica Woman Charged For Assaulting Gay Couple With Produce

POSTED: 10:50 pm PDT April 15, 2007
UPDATED: 10:59 pm PDT April 15, 2007
SOUTH SAN FRANCISCO -- A woman accused of targeting a gay couple with a selection of produce in Pacifica in March was arraigned Friday in a South San Francisco courtroom, the San Mateo County district attorney's office reported.
Tiffany Adler, 20, is accused of heaving an assortment of apples and asparagus at the couple from the interior of a van driving past them as they walked down a city street, according to the district attorney's office.
Adler also allegedly yelled a slur at the victims, the district attorney's office reported.
Both victims were struck by the fruits and vegetables, and police investigating the incident reportedly discovered a piece of asparagus in Adler's purse, according to the district attorney's office.
On Friday, Adler pleaded not guilty to misdemeanor hate crime and battery charges.
A jury trial is scheduled to begin July 2. Adler remains out of custody on her own recognizance, the district attorney's office reported.
Copyright 2007 by KTVU.com and Bay City News

As hate crimes go, this borders on the insane. Although antiquated, the practice of throwing rotten fruit at sub-standard performances isn't unheard of (although I was never clear why overripe tomatoes were so readily available at vaudville-era theaters), the act of throwing fresh produce at people whose lifestyles you disagree with is very nearly performance art.

The tagline about her having an asparagus spear in her purse seals the deal.

Also, an apple chucked at you can do some damage, but asparagus flung from a moving car? Is that really all that dangerous? Did any of it even connect? And perhaps most importantly, WTF?

I do hope the gentlemen involved in the incident were unharmed, or at least no more psychologically damaged than anyone attending the first three rows of a Gallagher concert.

Your restaurant has gone too far

This is a photo from W'Duck restaurant in Motosinhos (which is apparently in Portugal. Don't feel bad, I didn't know where it was either). Notice anything "odd" or "eccentric" about the seating?

That's right, they're toilets!

And instead of napkins you use toilet paper.

No shi.... uh, no kidding.

Do the toilets work? I don't know, but I hope not. Otherwise it's eerily similar to the Mr. Show episode "Rudy will await your foundation."

It's all a little too meta. And it's gone too far for my liking.

RIP Kurt Vonnegut

RIP 1922-2007

I just found out that Kurt Vonnegut passed away last night at the age of 84.

He was one of my favorite authors, and ironically I was talking shit about him yesterday; Specifically in reference to how his later work talked about how old he was, death and dying.

He was stoic, funny, and ultimately a humanist.

And if ever the bummer tag applied, it's today.

In memoriam, at my next opportunity I'll try to take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.

Should MSNBC give the boot to Imus?

In a word yes, but not for the racist, hateful, shitty things he said about the Rutgers Women's basketball team. He should be cut loose for the following reasons:

1) He's retirement age anyway. What is he, like 235 years old? The guy is a cross between an Anne Rice and a Louis L'Amour novel. Seriously.

2) Attention whores only truly disappear when you deprive them of attention. Don't waste your time hating Imus, Coulter, Sharpton, Hannity, Limbaugh, etc. etc. They feed off of your anger. They love attention whoring, and Al Sharpton doubled our pleasure by going toe to toe with the "I-man" on this latest kerfuffle. Whee! Twice the absurdness. They are one of the few problems in the world that actually go away when ignored. I suggest we do just that.

Honestly, I don't think anyone would've known what Imus had said if such a stink hadn't been raised. You know why? Because nobody under the century mark listens to Imus, save for a couple brain-dead rednecks. Sure, he's allegedly the third most listened to morning show in the continental U.S. But what does that mean in 2007? Not a whole hell of a lot, thanks to iPods, XM, Sirius, Morning Edition, and the like. In a market that splintered, all third place means is "second place loser."

3) The cryptkeeper has put on a few pounds, no?

Before

After

See the difference? Me either.

and finally...
4) Because when I turn off my TV at night watching Olbermann (AKA the single best talking head show on cable), I don't want to have to catch my news in the morning watching this baritone skeleton wearing a leather bag and a hat and his mustachioed sidekick "talking" about the "news," thank you very much.

It's like I go to bed in a world that's seemingly sane and then wake up in some alternate universe where in lieu of learning about world events that transpired in my sleep, I have to find out what's up with Mary Chapin Carpenter and then listen to a couple fossils ruminate while completely uninformed ad infinitum.

So MSNBC, if you would be so kind, lower Imus back into his crypt and seal it off this time. And here's an idea, put something on in the morning that doesn't suck.

Thanks a bunch!

Hugs,
M

UPDATE: Kevin Hench at Fox Sports agrees with me. And how often will you ever find anyone at Fox who agrees with me? It's rare. Mark your calendars.

UPDATE 2: I won! Hooray! MSNBC drops Imus’ show

Holy Shit: Peanut Butter and Bananas

Disclaimer: Believe what you want. I'm not here to poop on anyones belief system. If you're Christian, Buddhist, Scientologist, Raelian, Hari Krishna, Wiccan or a Moonie, or what the hell ever... I don't care. But I do have a problem with using crappy arguments to back up mostly-unprovable theories. So don't get all huffy just because I'm about to show why strict Christian creationists are bonkers, or at the very least they're use some very dodgy logic.

First, Peanut Butter:



That's right. Since life has never sprung forth from a jar of peanut butter, then God created the heavens and earth in 6 days. Wha-wha-whaaaat?

And now for Bananas:



That's right. God doesn't want us to eat things that are difficult to open and not made for our hands. So I guess that puts the screws to this year's clambake.

Also, someone was adroit enough to point out that the "tab" on a banana isn't on the top, it's on the bottom. Bananas grow upward. Also, bananas, as we currently enjoy them, were engineered by humans to make them more pleasingly edible. Apparently the big G wasn't concerned about the seeds. But most "natural" foods as we have them now have been at least manipulated on the genetic level a little bit to make them pest resistant, extend shelf life and heartiness for travel, and generally more edible. Aren't we defying "His" will just by making our crops more resistant to locusts, considering that one of "His" favorite old school plagues?

I'm just asking.

Now I think I'm going to go have a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

(As an aside: It's going to make the Growing Pains reunion that much more awkward with Kirk Cameron hanging with strict Australian creationists and Boner being a member of Anton LaVey's Church of Satan.)

Special thanks to Mike the Mad Biologist over at Science Blogs.