Life in 28.8k

Hey kids. I'm still up on the mountain, trying to figure out what kind of person I was when 28.8kbps was a FAST connection speed for the internet. Because this is goddamned brutal. It takes a full five minutes just to sync up my email. Sure, it's a blip inside a blip in the space-time continuum, but an eternity when you're sitting in a hard rocking chair at a tiny rolltop desk hoping you don't get kicked off line.

Last night we went to the Ramsey house, which has no Wikipedia entry, or I would link it. It's the first free-standing structure/dwelling in the state of Tennessee. Pre-Revolutionary War, so it's damned old. They were having a Halloween hoedown trying to capitalize on the handful of ghost stories about the building circulated by drunk grad students working on the archaeological study of the property. (Part of the tour included talking with the resident archaeologist, who was a bearded retired college professor right out of central casting.) It's a nice short tour of a house where you get to hear, just about every three minutes, that the Ramsey's three youngest children died of malaria. The house was built in the middle of a swamp, by the way. So rocket science wasn't required to put the pieces together, fortunately they had about 17 other children, so not a big collateral loss. Frances Ramsey laid out most of the East Tennessee plot lines for land ownership (so I'm guessing the Cherokee indians loved him), and he was one of the co-founders of the University of Tennessee.

The whole trip, however, was hampered by some static between me and two uninvited tag-alongs in the back seat. One of them, in particular who lives on a diet of Xanax and Bloody Marys and got very confrontational with me about an issue I'm fairly passionate about. Being challenged in front of my parents, on my vacation, after not seeing them for almost a year left me no recourse but to threaten to unleash the torrent of verbal destruction I usually reserve for private rants in my head. (I was privy to some very damaging information regarding her personal life, and would never have considered using it under normal circumstances.) She backed down (very wisely, I must say), but that left the truck filled with the kind of awkward silence that most people hate... but as most of you know I get my giggles from. It was a feast of quiet tension that left me feeling almost remorseful for how much I was gobbling it up. It marred the whole trip and left her pouty, sniffling, and wolfing down mood altering medications when we got to the house. It was awesome. Maybe they shouldn't have invited themselves along. Lesson learned.

I thought they'd split for sure after that. But here they are in the other room, enjoying their first tomato beer of the morning. It's about 9a.m., that's not too early for the first of many... if you're an alcoholic. And I'm sitting back here not spending any time with my parents. The reason I made this trip, missing both a Weisenheimers show and my favorite Halloween party. I'm perilously close to heading into the kitchen and offering a "me or them" ultimatum, which wouldn't be fair to my folks, but I don't really have the latitude to just flat out tell these people to leave seeing as how this isn't my house. But I would if I could.

Okay, end rant from the mountain.
To be continued if I can get connected again.
Huzzah.

Stereotypes: Sad but True

"Hey Marv, what do you hate about Tennessee?"

Great question, Weisenblog. Allow me to answer that question with a camera phone photo that I took at the "As Seen On TV" superstore in the Sevierville Mall (next to the K-Mart and the check cashing place):

How's that for classy?

Racism isn't a thing of the past around here. It's still pretty much the status quo.

Git-R-Done? Trust me, I'm done.
So far as I can tell, the only good things in Tennessee appear to be my parents, their dog, the bird and my fond memories of the Sunsphere. Beyond that, total crap.

Until my next hastily dashed off missive from the mountains,
Huzzah.

Discuss: Is Dennis Hastert attractive?

Sure, he's powerful and commanding and he can sure fill out a suit, but is Speaker of the House of Representatives Dennis Hastert attractive. Discuss in comments.

Beware the real red menace!

Know this! Even as you go about your daily life, surfing the internet for fetish sites, a threat to democracy lurks in retail stores and with general contractors...

Cover the Earth

Spread the word of Sherman, through the brissle of brush or the edge of the sword!

Discussion: Do Cows Go To Heaven?

Do cows go to heaven, and if so, why? One would be inclined to believe that all dogs go to heaven, even the ones that eat babies because certain pit bull owners are retarded, but why cattle? Or brine shrimp? Or turtles? Certainly there can't be much of a need for such things once we shuffle off our mortal coil.

Sure, this isn't funny, but it demands discussion.

Carry on in comments.

Eat the Rich!

I just wrote and deleted a scorching 2000 word essay on why rich people hate the working middle class. But then decided it wasn't funny, and really all I wanted to do was run this photo of your average Bently driver (that isn't a rapper). It lacks a tagline, so may I suggest: "Bently. Because Porsches are for common folk." Or, "Bently: The ultimate experience for rappers and elderly pricks." Enjoy, kids. (I'll save my serious political rants for docmarvy.com)

RFID-iculous

Being a boring white person, I'm occasionally inclined to shop at the Gap or one of their affiliated businesses, Old Navy (Fat Gap) and Banana Republic (Monochromatic Thin Expensive Gap). And you probably haven't notices of late that the once-great Gap corporation has instituted the use of RFID tags to help with inventory and theft reduction. You probably haven't noticed, because the denim-clad drone behind the counter neglected to mention it. Now this shouldn't be a problem in most instances, so long as the only business you ever go into wearing these RFID-tagged clothes is the Gap. If you're a functional bipedal human being, however, you may be inclined to enter some other business wearing your new clothes. This is where a problem is posed.

Walking around Kansas City's Country Club Plaza last weekend wearing my new Old Navy Jeans (there was a sale at Fat Gap, so sue me), I set off almost every electronic theft reduction gateway I went through. In a shopping Mecca like the Plaza, that's about every 15 feet. Vexed, flustered and perplexed, it wasn't until setting off the alarm walking into Urban Outfitters that the culprit was determined. The bespectacled emo retail monkey restocking the ironic t-shirts asked if I'd recently purchased any of my outfit from the Gap.

"Yeah. The jeans. Old Navy, actually," I said it a little shamefully. Fat Gap always brings a defeatist tone to my voice. It's like admitting that you'll never be like the 30 inch wasted mannequins in the window at Thin Gap.

"Ah," he muttered, "they've been RFID tag crazy over there. Come on in."

And I did go in, but I didn't like spending the weekend feeling like mutant, setting off alarms everywhere I went. So an open letter to Gap, Inc.: How about you tell people when they check out that there's a huge fucking RFID tag hidden down the leg of their jeans or up the seam of their sweater, since once you finally do find this tag it reads "Remove before washing or wearing." I'm sorry, but I don't tend to inspect new clothing with that level of Sherlock Holmes style scrutiny. Maybe it's a personal flaw, but I'm inclined to believe that most men don't turn their jeans inside out prior to wearing. So how about just a little nod to the tag between the announcement of the total and the offer to open a Gap card account? Or here's a crazy idea, if there isn't a line, maybe go ahead and offer to cut them out on the spot, thus alleviating such hassles. That'd be nice.

Anyhoo... there's a whole bunch of hubub on the net about RFID tags being the mark of the beast and whatnot. You can read about it here or here or here.

That's all for today. I have unconfirmed promises from Matt and Smed that they'll be joining the fun soon. I hope so. Just having me and Mont ranting can get a little trying.

2006: The Year of Colbert

Although it's undeniable that this site is going to be a nod to the comic genius of the four nerds who contribute, from time to time we need to pay heed to those whose stars shine just a skosh brighter than our own. In the case of comedy, one would be hard pressed to deny that 2006 has been the year of Stephen Colbert. Talk about a Second City success story. You can go to his Wikipedia page to read up on the basics, but a tip of the hat (with no wag of the finger) to a guy who got his start in the comedy business working at the Second City gift shop, now ascending to the heights of comic greatness. If you haven't seen Colbert this year, then your eyes have been closed. Homeboy been everywhere. From his scorching White House Press Dinner speech to his nightly Comedy Central show to the release of the at-moments-hysterical Strangers with Candy feature film, Colbert has been homebrewing a fanbase as ardent as Dane Cook's, but a whole hell of a lot smarter. So take a moment with me and let's reflect on the pillar of truthiness that is Mr. Stephen Colbert. May his Tek Jansen adventures strech beyond space and time. So ends the lovefest. Huzzah.

Ayn Rand was full of shit!

Objectivism is great, if you're a rich industrialist asshole. If you're, say, the other 98% of the populace of the U.S. then it really isn't that super. What bugs me about Objectivists (AKA Randroids) is that they subscribe to it like Catholic dogma or Scientologist doctrines. Philosophy as religion? Thank you, no. I should note that I'm not implying that Objectivism holds together as a solid philosophy. It's just pretztel logic wrapped up in a box of flowery words and agonizingly long passages. Oh sure, it's couched in some pretty alluring concepts like reason and personal responsibility, but underneath the veneer lurks some pretty morally ambiguous and downright unnerving ideas.

So why am I ranting about it? Because Matt and Smed still haven't signed on and I'm damned angry. So keep that in mind, Objectivists. The next time I see Ayn Rand on the street, I'm going to kick her square in the balls. Because that's how I fight reason, with chaos.

That is all.

Happy Coming Out Day!

Nine Abraham Lincolns agree: October 11th is the best day to make complete strangers uncomfortable by telling them your darkest sexual secrets. Enjoy!

The Rolling Stone Interview with James Monroe

Journalist Pete Hamill spoke with James Monroe for an interview that was published in Rolling Stone Magazine's June 5th 1975 issue. James speaks of his recent separation and reconciliation with Yoko Ono. Other topics include his own recent albums and working with Phil Spector, Elton John, and Svante Nilsson.

Q: "What's your life like right now?"

James Monroe: Well you know I racked up a lot of debt in my public work, you know serving as governor, secretary of state and President. Then my wife got sick and since no one wants to talk about affordable health care that drained what little moneys I had left. Right now I am just crashing at my daughters place, looking for that next score.

Q: "What did happen with you and Yoko? Who broke it up and how did you end up back together again?"

James Monroe: Listen, the think about Yoko and me is this, she is an artist and I am a Democratic-Republican, that means were are always simultaneously pulled together and torn apart, plus she found some old letters I wrote to one of Jefferson's slaves... but come on, I mean have you seen the that stuff?

Q: "I loved your line: 'The separation didn't work out.'"

James Monroe: Yeah, well I mean we tried to function apart but love conquers all, well love and a strongly worded doctrine.

Q: "There's still a good feeling among the guys?"
James Monroe: Oh sure, John Quincy will send me a note every once and a while but you know now that he's the President he has a lot of things to do, you know, faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States, take out the slop for the pigs after supper. But every now and again I'll get a note that will read, "YOU SUCK." Its a joke we've been playing on each other since his dad was in the white house... when I was the United States Ministers Plenipotentiary to France, I'd call him over and just say, "YOU SUCK." Oh man we have some stories.

Q: "You went to one of George's concerts, what are your thoughts on his tour?"

James Monroe: Listen George William Smith is doing his own thing. When I was governor of Virginia, I had some big shoes to fill, I did my best. Now that George is running that crazy house all I can say is I wish him the best. Wait or were you talking about Washington?

Q: "George said at his press conference that he could play with you again but not with Paul. How do you feel?"

James Monroe: OK I see what your trying to do. Listen, John "Paul" Jones is a crazy Scott; you know he killed a guy in Tongo? Yeah he’ll mention it within five minutes of meeting you, that guy is a fruitcake and a half. Yeah, he flees to his brothers plantation and is all,"Paul is dead, I'm John Jones." Like he's the freaking walrus, or Martian Manhunter.

Q: "What was it about the year? Do you want to try talking about it?"

James Monroe: Well if I didn't want to talk about it I wouldn't be sitting here in this wing-backed chair would I? The last year since moving in with Marisa here in New Your City has been, rough, what with the TB and all. You wake up every morning and cough up blood and your like, "I need my pipe." A couple of bowls of Washington's Own and your ready to take on the day. But you know, I am feeling good, NYC has got some great clubs, leave it to the Dutch right?

Q: "Why do you feel better?"

James Monroe: Look, I just woke up and said, "You know what? I was effing President of the United States, I have a doctrine and Liberia named their capital after me. Yeah I am broke, yeah I am suffering tuberculosis, sure my first lady never invented zingers, but you know what BLOW ME."

Q: "Tell me about the Rock 'n' Roll album."

James Monroe: Well some of the gang and I threw some stuff together on a lark and suddenly we were like, "This is good," so I called Jermaine Dupri and he agreed to produce. Then, we brought in the Wall of Sound.

Q: "What about the stories that Spector's working habits are a little odd? For example, that he either showed off or shot off guns in the studios?"

James Monroe: Serriously, Phil Specter loves the 2nd Amendment but I, and the rest of the Framers of the Constitution, tried to tell him it wasn't about guns it was about the peoples right to defend their homes... you know organize a militia, fend off the Irriquios. Phil is going to get into trouble man, that guy is nuts. If he doesn't kill someone by February 4th 2003, I'll be very surprised. I mean the Teddy Bears were OK, but that guy is a few amendments short of a bill of rights.

Q: "What actually did happen those nights at the Troubadour when you heckled the Smothers Brothers and went walking around with a Kotex on your head asking the waitress, 'Do you know who I am?'"

James Monroe: Ok so let me get this straight, Jefferson can sire like a dozen mulatto kids and the press turns a blind eye, I get ripped on Pinot Nior and stick a feminine hygiene product in my hair and suddenly that's a top story. Well I was sick, I checked in to that Abigail Adams Center right after that incident, 28 days later I was more fit and I apologized to the wench and to Dick, Tommy can kiss my ass though.

Q: "What's your relationship with Nilsson? Some critics say that he's been heavily influenced, maybe even badly screwed up by you."

James Monroe: Svante Nilsson was a Swedish statesman and regent of Sweden under the Kalmar Union. He became a member of the Privy Council of Sweden, but acted with in opposition to his distant kinsman Sten Sture the Elder, going as far as supporting John of Denmark. Unwillingly he then switched sides and supported Sten Sture in overthrowing the king, which at the death of Sten Sture led to himself being elected regent. His resignation was demanded by the Privy Council of Sweden, but in practice he remained in power until his death.

Q: "...and that you've also been influenced by him."

James Monroe: Ok a little, but how can any modern statesman say that he is influence by Nilsson, the guy was pure emotion.

Q: "You mean that he'd gone into his primal period..."

James Monroe: Yeah, you know Washington was like that too, pretending to be an ape or a monkey... sometimes a lady of the evening.

Q: "Elton John has revived 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.' How do you feel about him as an artist?"

James Monroe: Elton sat in with The Framers, ended up playing piano on Article 3; I think he is a terrific showman, a bit flashy for my taste. But when he sang that candle song at Hamilton's wake... wow.

Q: "I read somewhere that you were very moved by the whole thing."

James Monroe: I was, you know, seeing a young guy like that pouring out all that emotion, I was like you know we all need to work together. Really that's when the Era of Good Feelings began.

Q: "There seems to be a lot of generosity among the artists now."

James Monroe: Well just look at what Hank Clay is doing, Maine and Missouri, I mean that's brilliant. I can see any reason why everyone couldn't get along like this all the time. I mean what issue could come up that would drive a wedge between the states now?

Q: "Do you think of New York as home now?"

James Monroe: Well yeah, Maria's letting me just relax, enjoy the city, I go to this head shop in the village and just hang out. You know my mother’s family had a lot of land but not a lot of money, my dad was a carpenter and grew herb... I am just a player trying to stay in the game.

Q: "You went through a period of really heavy involvement in radical causes. Lately you seem to have gone back to your art in a more direct way. What happened?"

James Monroe: Listen, sometimes you lead by holding the flag behind Washington while he crosses the Delaware, sometimes you inspire through your poetry, right now I am just concentrating on my word you know. Besides, I served my two terms, and lost my cash, now its time for this brother to get paid.

Q: "Is it called growing up?"

James Monroe: Its called get paid and get laid, that’s the new Monroe Doctrine.

Q: "Do you think much of yourself as an artist at fifty or sixty?"

James Monroe: I don't see myself slowing down until like 73, then I'll slow really down... to a stop.

Q: "Have you made any kind of flat decision not to ever go on the road again?"

James Monroe: I won't be leaving this city, well unless they move my body 27 years after my death.

Q: "So this last year, in some ways, was a year of deciding whether you wanted to be an artist or a pop star?"

James Monroe: Yeah, its like, I am I going to live my life for me, or am I going to live my life for the people... well you know what I choose me... its not like I am on the twenty, hell they didn't even give me the nickel.

Junk Watch: Toys

Welcome to the one home accouterment that will fit perfectly in your parent's basement and pretty much guarantee you'll never get laid. It's the gaming chair from ROCCAFORTE. Perhaps Monty would dig it, but for anyone who isn't flying an X-wing fighter it's just some very unfortunate furniture.



-Marv

Welcome to the Weisenblog

Finally, a way for all four mildly disconnected comic geniuses that comprise Omaha's legendary comedy troupe The Weisenheimers to connect with you... people with internet connections. Watch this space for big fun happy comedy time explosion.